Relationship I Have To Let Him Come To Me....

[Twinkles28]

Hi guys,

It's been a very long time since I posted.

I think my 'ex' is coming back to me...as I write this I am filled with emotion and confusion...

A brief synopsis: We split 10 months ago; everything was amazing and one day he literally vanished...he was a mess, I did not recognise him and he broke down and explained his PTSD had left him "empty, numb, and ashamed" He explained he wasn't good enough for me and said he was terrified in case he hurt me and he loved me more than anything. Of course I assured him I would be there for him/I loved him as he was etc. But in the end his hot and cold behaviour meant I had to focus on myself - I couldn't eat, sleep or function as normal - my heart was broken and I knew I was never going to have closure so I had to protect myself and after a few months we went our own way.

Fast forward to now and myself and my ex have had contact on and off; he has been promiscuous, drank himself into obliteration and at intervals rang me at all hours upset about the conflict he has seen and the mess he has made of us, and explains the guilt he feels for being here when others aren't. He still maintains he has tried to protect me from him even though it has hurt us.

He recently fully accepted his PTSD minus the shame (I think) and has finally began to take medication which I think is working although he claims he is no different. We finally were able to meet up after all of this time and have lunch - it was so much more than I could have hoped for - we were both 'at home' and we just knew it.

The main point of my post is the title...I have to let him come to me...don't I...? but it is so hard, the inconsistency from him, for example if he goes silent for a little while my mind wonders; I don't want constant contact but I now have the added worry of other women (he never cheated on me but I know he has been seeking company from women he is not in relationships with :( ) it's hard. I feel i'm at a crossroad - do I wait and stand by him again, or do I cut him off. It seems after all this time I am one of the only ones he will open up to, but I don't want to be kidding myself. He seems more calm, he could actually look me in the eye when we were together and enjoy being around me; when I seen him a few months ago he couldn't and just kept crying. This time he was actually an amazing version of himself and I was so happy for him.

I guess i'm hoping someone that has been at this very point has some words of wisdom for me. I am a lot stronger now emotionally; I know my own 'triggers' if you were, and if it becomes too upsetting I have to protect myself and walk away.

Thanks for reading guys. Hope you're all well!.

Twinkles

 

[Deleted member 17302]

The only thing I have seen work for anyone here is forming and communicating strong boundaries that you require and are not willing to break. If someone knows they can just vanish and come back whenever, that is enabling them to do so. If you form a boundary and communicate it that you are not willing to deal with that nonsense, but are willing to work with them if they need to isolate but only under certain conditions such as they text once a day letting you know they are ok and things are still fine between you, and that they won't be seeing other "companions" that would constitute as cheating, then cool. Been thinking about this a lot lately due to my situation. Enabling and disabling behaviors is very useful concept in these PTSD relationships. If they can't stick with the boundaries, then you cut them loose and you go on your way and move on to date other people and won't be coming back when they feel like they want to. It's hard to do when you care about someone, but they also have to care too or the situation in reality is that they are using you and being used is just not acceptable. Being used is abusing your love for them and that just isn't not ok. Sure people f*ck up but that doesn't mean they get to do it knowingly with the idea that they can get away with doing deal breaking actions.

Of course he likely was doing things when you were broken up as I assume you might have as well, or at least you both are allowed to considering being broken up for any reason allows both people to do whatever they do when they are single. Life is pretty harsh but if someone wants to not hurt their partner, they should stop actually hurting their partner by running, not communicating, and perhaps cheating and lying if that is what was happening. Sabotaging a relationship or scenario just is not ok to do. Either stay or go, but don't bomb the relationship to force someone else to do the break up so you don't have to. Not saying that is your situation, just including it as information to work with.

 

[Twinkles28]

Thanks for your reply @mr_smith_v2, it makes sense!.

In our relationship there was never any cheating etc, I guess that came after some time apart but the realisation of it when the person you love said they cannot be in a relationship is heart wrenching.

I guess I have set some boundaries but I think if I verbalise them it might make things a little more clear cut than they are. I didn't think the possibility of even thinking about reconciliation would occur so I suppose I just need to take each day as it comes and not think too far ahead. I just don't know if I can prepare for the "push, pull" that is often described :confused:

Twinkles

 

[Sighs]

You gotta decide whether you want to get back on the roller coaster.

 

[glass half full]

You gotta decide whether you want to get back on the roller coaster.

Personally, I love roller coasters, but prefer them to stay at the amusement park- so yeah.

I do wonder about several things- he's on meds, but is he in therapy? If so, for how long? His commitment to his own recovery needs to be present and entrenched. You mentioned drinking himself into oblivion- is he an alcoholic? A binge drinker? Is he still drinking to excess? Is he working? Is he living on his own- an apartment or flat- or is someone else proving and maintaining a home for him?

Consider making haste very slowly. If he's genuinely committed to his own recovery it will take a while for him to put all of the pieces together or back together. There is nothing wrong with wanting him to demonstrate his own commitment to his health. I would probably agree to lunch periodically for a few weeks and if all is going well then dinner and a movie and so on over a period of time- like months not weeks. See how it goes.

 

[Twinkles28]

Thanks for the replies guys! I appreciate it.

I do wonder about several things- he's on meds, but is he in therapy? If so, for how long? His commitment to his own recovery needs to be present and entrenched. You mentioned drinking himself into oblivion- is he an alcoholic? A binge drinker? Is he still drinking to excess? Is he working? Is he living on his own- an apartment or flat- or is someone else proving and maintaining a home for him?

@glass half full He has had CBT and EMDR which have helped but not much hence the meds to work in conjuction with treatment, probably for 6 months at say 1 session a month. I feel he is at a stage now where he wants to get better, he wants to accept help and he wants to move forward which I think are all positive things. He isn't an alcoholic, no. I guess it could be called binge drinking. He's a vet that lives on camp - I guess it's easy for him to have drinks!. He says it helps him sleep (he's also been recently given meds to help this too). He is functioning, yes, and is still serving. Hopefully this will give you a little more insight.

I won't walk away from him , and am more than aware of the slow process, guess I just hope for some direction or sign at some point.

 

[Sighs]

And just when you think you have that sign... BAM - the PTSD smacks you upside the head again. Cherish the good days.

 

[JM318]

Hi guys,

It's been a very long time since I posted.

I think my 'ex' is coming back to me...as I wri...

@Twinkles28 - My veteran came back to me in April after 6 months apart. We are now separated again. We felt "at home" when we started talking again, agreed to take things slowly. Detachment and isolation crept in around July, he had a breakdown (first time) and we started backspiraling again. That was when he agreed to therapy. Since then I've been giving him space, but he seems to be angry with me and blaming me as a huge contributor to his anxiety, depression, and anger and that he brings nothing to the table in therapy, except me. It's been awful the last few months for me. And I am unsure if he is coming back.

How is everything going for you? Can you update?