Sufferer I Hoped I Was Past This...

[Abraxas]

Hi all. Its been almost two years since my last real flashback. I was feeling healthier than I ever have. But the past couple of months the suicidal and self harm thoughts have come back with a vengeance. I want to cry, I know how therapeutic a good cry can be, but I haven't been able to shed more than a tear in years.

I've had PTSD since I was 10 and witnessed my 12 year old sister attempt suicide while we were home alone. Our mother has borderline personality disorder. My sister took the brunt of the bad mother's abuse.

I know that I should just reach out and tell a friend what i'm feeling, but I have this stupid feeling that i'll be letting everyone down. I know it's stupid because i grew up terrified of the abuse that would ensue when I let my mother down as a child. I don't have contact with her anymore, but the terror is still there.

Anyways, that's why i'm here. Too scared to let anyone know i'm scared, but i've just got to at least type it out and post it anonymously.

 

[Sideways]

Suicidal thoughts and self-harm thoughts are scary. We don't ask for them, they're unwelcome. And they're scary. So there's nothing stupid about what you're feeling. If it helps at all, there's plenty of us folk round here that understand just how scary it is. Hope you find this place as supportive as I have. There are people here listening, who get it, all day every day.

 

[Abraxas]

Thanks. It does help.

 

[mary1979]

Nothing worse than the feeling of being a burden to others when you just know you cant do it alone

I never tell anyone when I have suicidal thoughts (sometimes ill let my husband know once the thoughts have past) because I don't want to put that kind of crap on others.

My first partner would threaten, or even attempt as a way to manipulate me into doing what I was told, over many years, and its left me feeling like its the cruelest thing I can do to another person.

The problem is though, you need support.
Is there anyway you can reach out without sharing the extent of your feelings? Enough so that you don't have to feel as though you are letting them down, but are no longer alone?


If you'd like to talk, I'm here xxx

 

[Intrepid]

There have been many times that I have thought I have found the cure. Today I'm no longer disappointed when I experience a set back. It happens.

You are not stupid. What happened that put you where you are today is stupid. I know you didn't ask for this. It's not your fault.

Glad you are here!

 

[Abraxas]

Thanks Mary.

After seeing my sister try it, I know that I could never inflict that pain on anyone else, but that doesn't stop the thoughts. What I worry about is hurting myself. When I was 17 I cut and burned myself so bad it took the wounds almost a year to heal. no drug or experience since has made me feel as much pleasure or as many endorphins as when I cauterized those cuts. I miss the pain in my leg more than almost anything in my life. It's like an addiction, I know that with just one cut i could feel better for a while. i've been falling asleep to dreams of doing as much and more for the past few weeks.

Now that i'm writing this down... it really sounds f*cked up. You're right. I should talk to a friend, even if I don't give them any details to worry about.

 

[mary1979]

Thanks Mary.

After seeing my sister try it, I know that I could never inflict that pain on anyone else,...

You have been in a terrible way.

But must be incredibly strong to have not acted upon your self harm in all this time, hope you feel good about that?
Because you should, its a terribly hard cycle to break, be proud :)

 

[intothelight]

@Abraxas Welcome! :)

Sometimes I think living with the fear is the hardest part of PTSD, but this is one place where you can be totally honest and know the people here will understand. I hope the support here is helpful to your healing.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Welcome to the forums :hug:

I hope that this place helps you as much as it helped me, there is a lot of support and resources to be found here

See ya around and good luck in recovery :)

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome! :)