I Just Can't Stop Crying

[anthony]

The biggest lesson I can give you, from experience, is to not try and be others rock when you are falling apart yourself. I run this forum by it, and all staff are extremely aware of that rule I have... they must take care of themselves first and foremost, before trying to do anything here.

You can't help someone else when you're life is in turmoil... it just doesn't work. It's a distraction method, nothing more.

 

[Sighs]

Laurie - they will be adults a lot longer than they are children. My dad was/is an alcoholic as it was the only "medication" available for his combat PTSD. (You don't get veteran benefits when you lose a civil war.) I'm now in my 30s and love him to pieces and admire him for what he went through and the strength and courage he showed just getting out of bed every morning. So much so that my ex told me I would never find a man who could measure up to my dad. Hang in there mate! You can re-establish connections with your children in time. All is NOT lost!

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Until the realization that I have missed my eldest Daughters High School Prom and her opening her School Grades envelope I have been coming on in leaps and bounds.

Realising this has really hit me hard.

 

[J_trustno1]

I'm really sorry about this Laurie. I wish I could make everything normal for you and get back your family. My condolences are with you and please feel free to PM me whenever you feel the need to talk to. :hug:s. You are a fighter and a brave man. You can get through this, we are with you dear friend :hug:s

 

[Deleted member 20280]

My biggest realization is that I caused all the pain and heartache they have all had to endure the last year, this is ALL my fault. My youngest daughter sobbed every night for the first eight weeks begging her mummy to let 'Daddy' come home.

This is the daughter I delivered myself and that special father / daughter bond has now been shattered forever. It has gone and can never be replaced.

All I ever wanted as a child was to be a great father.... I failed at dance, I failed at academic and I have failed as a father.

My life at this precise moment is nothing but a long string of 'Failures'

Next screen name - Santa_Failure.

 

[J_trustno1]

No, you are NOT a failure. This is NOT true. It's your biased opinion about yourself and it's NOT a fact. I will not believe you being a failure no matter how many times you say it here or in chat. You have helped so many of us here and I'm sure you have done so much for your kids. But hey, shit happens and we cannot let it control our lives. You are a very brave man who has endured a lot therefore you are NOT a failure. You are a Santa_Survivor!

 

[Fadeaway]

Santa, I just want to say thank you for being the first person to make me smile after I had not smiled in a very long time. It took a special person to be able to do that.

 

[Sighs]

Laurie - the father/daughter bond is not shattered. It might be stretched, strained, hidden from your eyes, even hidden from HER eyes right now. But it is still there and when the time is right it can be found, strengthened and renewed. My partner (also a combat PSTD vet) felt like you do - for some time he felt unloved, rejected by his children. They too said things which hurt him terribly. They are now adults and they love their dad. He recently held his new baby grandchild when she was just 3 hours old - his daughter called him before she called her mother. Don't despair Laurie!

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Thank you @Sighs I am totally grounded now and off to the shop. I don't get like that very often so a huge Santa_:hug: to all who helped me balance my emotions back again last night hugs and ok kisses to all of ya.

Laurie :)

 

[BlueOrange]

It seems to me that your family has a hole in it where you used to be, but it seems unlikely that it has been destroyed. I say that because you seem to care about that family, and you seem very concerned by the prospect that it's not your family anymore. I hope it provides a little comfort - it falls far short of the level of comfort I'd like to be able to offer.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I am so sorry to read about your grief. You have so much sadness and it is okay to let it all out.

I wanted to speak to your broken father/daughter connection that you spoke of. I think that there can always be hope for a future with your children as things in your life change for the better. The special connection with that daughter may be strained and put on pause temporarily, but it's something you can work towards.

But more than anything, it is okay for you to be sad and to grief the loss of relationships with your family. I hope someday that they will all be able to see that it wasn't you putting them through pain, but your PTSD working it's evil. I hope someday that they will come to understand the loving side of you that carries on. For now I hope you can see the support you have here and I hope you can work though this great sadness.

 

[Amalia]

I came across this thread by chance - I have been so fortunate - haven`t recently needed to be on here that much. The injustice of your story tears me apart with sadness for you. We cannot have any understanding as to how you might be feeling right now, and the insanity and chaos that your world evidently is to you at this time. But absolutely I would say do not go into that box. I make a concerted effort every day not to remember. enough has been stolen from me already. And you. You have been such a tower of strength, love and general amazingness to so many people on this site. It is one of the many torturously horrible elements to PTSD that it does impact on the ones we love most, as the trust issues surrounding those relationships are so huge. I could be talking out of my backside, but there is nothing fair about this. In any bloody way, shape or form. With children there is always hope for relationships to be mended, renewed, built again. Although it may not seem like it is even remotely possible at times like this.
Just try to take care of you as best you can. Whatever that may entail. All the peace love and support hugs sent to you.