I just don’t know what to do anymore

[Smile]

Haven’t seen my T in ages bc I don’t have the money & before that I was seeing her every 3 weeks or so for same reason. So I’ve been “on my own” in that aspect for a while now.

I have no money except my disability which doesn’t even cover my rent, let alone my utility bills.

I’m barely eating bc the anxiety is high and mighty. Even though I just recently got medical marijuana... that whole thing stresses me out too. I hate the feeling which is weird bc I like the feeling of my pain meds.

So I’m going nuts. My first instinct when I feel this helpless is usually to talk to my mom but I hold back bc she’s had open heart surgery and her hearts not 100% right now. The last thing I need is to worry her to the extent that she’ll end up in the hospital. That just can’t happen. Too many dead already.

But. Shes the only one who would just offer me money (which she doesn’t really have), a place to live, whatever.

So yeh... right now I feel so unable to take care of myself that I want to move back home where she’ll “take care/enable me” and I’ll take care of her. I hate living with her, the city & state she lives in but... it’s a hatred I’m familiar with.

And the constant billion pound weight of MONEY won’t be in my head.

I’ve tried speaking to siblings but they think I’m capable of doing. So it’s not only unhelpful but extremely frustrating.

I did email my T a few days ago asking her if she knew of any free or low cost therapy organizations but she still hasn’t responded. Which is unusual but probably bc we’ve just had a horrific incident happen here and I’ll bet she’s on call as a T.

Suicidal thoughts have been more recent but I can’t find a concrete plan for “just in case of emergency” so that’s not comforting.

I’m so utterly alone. Just me and my f!%#ed up brain.

 

[mumstheword]

You're really going through a roughy. I feel for you. It sounds like you definitely need some support. It's good that your Mom (that feels weird for me writing it that way because we spell it Mum) is a safe and supportive person for you.

My thoughts are that she would hate that you are having such a horrid and unsupported time right now and would want to know and support you. I certainly would and I'm a Mum of lots of young adults (5 and two younger).

Personally I would want my children under wing for a bit, to help them get back on their feet if I could (if I wasn't too symptomatic but then I have PTSD) , if it was surgery maybe that's a good fit? You can help her with the physical stuff that she needs help with, and she, you, with the psychological?

I know, for myself, being of service to others usually helps me feel better about myself and that's part of recovery in this disorder, so maybe call her with the intention to see if you can support her, post surgery, and let her know you're lonely, sad, frightened and you kinda need your Mom.

I love it when my grown up kids call on me in crisis (i don't love it that they have crisis' but that just seems to be life), it makes me feel I did a good enough job, if they can continue to draw on me for support as adults, but maybe that's just me?

Anyway, call your Mom, just hearing her caring, loving voice will help and if you end up breaking down because your super stressed, remember, she's your Mom, she's been the go-to person for when you're upset since you were born, so she's emotionally and biologically equipped for the job.

 

[Still Standing]

Perhaps, you and your mom can work out an agreement that you will be there to help her, in her home, in exchange for free rent that you can then put the money toward therapy, at a low-cost clinic or with your own therapist on a sliding scale. I know being home is not ideal but it is better than feeling lost and hopeless. Since you are on disability, are there state or federal programs available for you? I know they differ state to state. I hope some better changes come your way.

 

[Smile]

You're really going through a roughy. I feel for you. It sounds like you definitely need some suppo...

Thank u so much for ur caring responsibility! I’m always scared to see the responses to my petty issues.

I’m mum (that’s for u :)) loooooves taking care of me but not in a healthy way. I’m the youngest of a large family and ever since I was a kid she has confided in me about the adult problems that were going on so my relationship with her is not clean.

But hearing it from a mother’s perspective is extremely helpful and I just may make that phone call.

Just to clarify 2 things: I’m not a child, I’m in my 30’s . & her surgery was about 10 years ago which unfortunately is about the time when she’s gonna start needing more “stuff” done.

But thank you, thank you, thank you . Somehow ur message has helped :)

 

[Gs172003]

Haven’t seen my T in ages bc I don’t have the money & before that I was seeing her every 3 weeks or s...

Are there any colleges with phycology programs that offer free or low cost counseling?

 

[mumstheword]

Thank u so much for ur caring responsibility! I’m always scared to see the responses to my petty issues...

Sorry no I didn't think you were a child. Wrong word. I guess it's a Mum thing. My oldest is 27 but he's still one of my children, does that make sense? Other times I might refer to them as my offspring or progeny because yes, they are not children.

 

[Smile]

Sorry no I didn't think you were a child. Wrong word. I guess it's a Mum thing. My oldest is 27 but...

It makes total sense! I didn’t know if I knew how old I was, I was just simply clarifying :)

Are there any colleges with phycology programs that offer free or low cost counseling?

Thanks for the suggestion but I’m not entrusting my brain to a student!

 

[Faketan]

Thanks for the suggestion but I’m not entrusting my brain to a student!

If you look for MA programs they are highly trained and very well supervised. You can register for an advanced trainee which means they will already have a good 300 hours under there belt.

 

[Gs172003]

Thanks for the suggestion but I’m not entrusting my brain to a student!

They have to be about to graduate and are supervised by a professor.

Sorry about to graduate with a master's.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((Smile))) :hug: hugs if ok?:hug:
I am SORRY that you are struggling so much! It WON'T last forever! I PROMISE!:hug:

I say go stay with Mom for a while? As a mom, I LOVE time with my son! It's rare, the older they get. Can you ask/tell her not to do certain things for you? Just a thought...

I hope she can say a few of the right words whether you call her or see her. Parents aren't around forever and it sounds like your siblings are out of the house and doing ok? That's all good but you have a disability whether they believe you or not.

Money problems are the kind that he away at you and that's bound to make you more stressed out.

Best of luck!
:hug:

 

[Gs172003]

I would give my left foot for my son to move back in with me. Just saying lol

 

[shimmerz]

Even though I just recently got medical marijuana...

THC or CBD or a mix? Oil or leaf? It may sound like an inconsequential question but I am wondering if you are either reacting to or needing a different type of MMJ. CBD oil should take care of the pain.