I Just Need Someone To Talk To

[kay dodssim]

I am a wife of an ex-marine. He has been a civilian for a year now. He was diagnosed with PTSD through our local VA.

He goes to therapy sessions but not as often as I think he should. He has anger issues since before we were married. Now that he is a civilian little things set him off and his anger is worse. He had a bad days at work today because he did not sell a lot at work so he comes home and starts yelling at me, then he tells me to stop crying and walks away like nothing happened.

I don't know how to confront him about his anger if I tell him to go get help with anger management he could possibly take it the wrong way and be mad at me for who knows how long, but he does see a VA therapist for his PTSD but hasn't been in a few months.

His anger has gotten to the point where I am fed up, but I don't want to leave and give up on him because he needs my help. I just don't know what to do anymore when he shuts me out.

I need advice or words of kindness to help me through this. I have read all the books and online forums about military spouses coping with PTSD, and cried my way through it all because I know it is all true, and that I can't do much mentally to help him, and when I try I get pushed away.

One thing that just tears me apart is while we are fighting he repeatedly tells me that I am the only one who pisses him off like this and he f###ing hates it. When I try to talk and explain my side of the story which isn't much, he starts talking over me and yelling louder. I don't ever have the chance to put my 2 cents in or tell him how I feel.

I just need someone to talk to who I can confide in.

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[Deleted member 9920]

Uuuuuuugh, Hi Kay...I know what you're going through although my bf has been out of the service for 7 years.

Recently he entered a PTSD clinic which is HARD WORK, but it seems to be doing really good for him.

I don't think your husband is mad at you, but I do think he needs more therapy and maybe the two of you should go to a counselor.

My Man's therapist thinks we should see a counselor so we know how to "communicate". I have NEVER asked Ammon about the things he's done/seen, but eventually he started to open up to me and that's when the realy PTSD started to kick in. When he would start to cry or get "flippy" I would either hug him, or just leave him be because any word even an innocent one could set him off.

It's NOT YOUR FAULT...you won't EVER fully understand what's he's gone through and it took me a while to learn not to say "well, you HAD to kill that person...why do you feel guilty about it"...I can't understand how he feels, so now I'm just there for him and I've been really lucky where he hasn't said anything mean to me, he has flipped out a couple of times and like I said, I just leave him alone unless he asks for me which he's good at doing.

Don't give up yet...but also don't let him physically or mentally abuse you anymore. If he says something mean, just calmly say please don't speak to me like that" and walk away calmly.

Maybe you should look into one of those clinic's it's doing a GREAT job for Ammon so far, and it might be good for him to be surrounded by people who do understand him.

Talk to me anytime!!!

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[kay dodssim]

Hi!

Thank you for replying it means a lot to me that I am not the only woman who is going through with this in life.

I know it's not my fault that he reacts the way he does, it is just the way he says things to me it makes me seem like I am the thing that makes him so mad. I think we should see a counsler too, but I am not sure on how to go about saying/asking him his thoughts on it. I don't want him to think I don't love him and that we need someone to fix us because that is not what it is at all, we do need help with the communication.

When we argue I don't know how to voice my opinion without him thinking I am trying to make him more angry, or that I am trying to piss him off. I know you are not a counsler but it sure is nice to talk to someone who understands, because I can't tell my family or friends, because they would look at him differently and I know that would affect his PTSD even further.

He has told me that he doesn't want me knowing anything that has happened to him or what he had to do while he was over there, I am perfectly fine with that and I do not judge him at all for anything he had to do. If anything I love him even more that he was able to tell me those things.

I don't understand how he feels obviously but I really don't understand why he gets so mad at me, especially when he has done it many times before. From the fighting and yelling to apologies and I'm sorry's I get more sad and I don't know a better word but fed up with it happening over and over again. I cry about 1 thing and it's the fighting when he's like that.

I don't know about your bf but my husband gets a certain look in his eyes when he's mad from his PTSD.

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[Deleted member 9920]

Oh girl...that's what I call "the million mile stare" and I know exactly the look you're talking about.

I dated an ex Navy SEAL once and he had that same look...they all do. It's like they are trying to revert into their own minds and I've had friends who have that stare too. I am no where near a counselor, but I understand what you're going through, and boy-oh-boy it's a hard subject to approach with someone with PTSD.

I talked to my bf about you, and he said that he should be in a clinic like he's in, but told me that he will have to come to this decision himself, even seeing therapy. I'm sorry he stopped therapy, it's something that helps for sure, but you know what else may help, a group like this, I told my bf about this group and he wants to join once he's out.

Before Ammon went in he wouldn't look anyone straight in the eye except for another Vet, even ordering dinner at a restaurant, he would be ordering but looking at me.

There is a brotherhood between Vets just like there is between battered women, addicts, etc, although I think it's a lot stronger. Ammon seems SO much more relaxed since he's been around other men with experiences like his.

Don't ever press the subject of what he's seen, that's different for everyone, my Uncle Mack was in Vietnam and still won't talk about his experiences.

The bottom line is you need to know if you can stick this out, but NOT let him get away with making you feel bad. Your man gets mad because he feels helpless, guilty, angry and probably a billion other emotions about what he might have done overseas, Ammon was the same way when he first got out, (I didn't know him then) but fighting all the time, pushing people away, he lost his first two wives to it. It takes time, but he can't mistreat you, that's not acceptable.

I'm not offering any advice that I wouldn't give myself or have heard from other friends, but you might leave for a couple of days and let him have alone time in the house. Check in on him daily, make sure there are no firearms in the house, but just give him some time to decompress, since it seems obvious he's VERY stressed out and because you're the closest one to him he's taking it out on you.

Again, I'm not a counselor, but I've been in abusive relationships, (both physical and mental) and now I'm with a WONDERFUL man who just so happens to have PTSD, so I can give you the advice that I learned over my 43 years.

Again, hit me up anytime. I have a private chat room on this site if you ever want to join let me know.

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[Froggie]

Welcome to the forum kaydodssmin, there is a special section for supporters/carers here on the forum. Just coming here will help you vent out, be listened and exchange on what you and other members like you are going through. One thing is for sure, you need to take care of yourself. You are a very important person who deserves respect and kindness your way.

 

[anthony]

I have a private chat room on this site if you ever want to join let me know.

I wasn't aware I handed those out to members!!!

 

[Nerdanna]

Welcome, kay
This forum can be a real help. I have experienced everything you have written with my husband and I know how lonely and devastating it can feel at times.

I have expererienced the "eyes" as well and have learned over the years to recognize them before he even says anything. You are not alone.