I Just Want Love

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

So many things are overwhelming. I don't even know where to begin and they'll probably sound confusing. But here it. I hate it when my kids are screaming and I hate it even more when I switch and yell that them. I hate it when I can't just order my own refills because I am not responsible enough with them and I desperately need more. Yet when I got more they gave me 5 days worth, not what I need to get me through until the next appointment. And it cost a lot of money each time we have to get the stupid thing filled. So if I could ever get ahold of someone to help me straighten it out, we will still be playing double for less than a month's supply. I almost broke my toe last night. I admitted to a former student's parent that I am not going back to teaching and I could feel the disappointment in her. I am supposed to give a book talk at the library soon and it wasn't listed in upcoming events. I feel like I have no friends because every time I try to make plans with someone they either don't respond or say they can't- like the woman who said she had to rest because she had surgery and had been camping for the last week. Yeah, we're friends on FB, I can see what you're doing! Just tell me the truth, don't lie.

And the fact that I tried to reach out to several people today and got no reply. I was so upset I switched and was banging my arm and calling out to God to prove he's there and hasn't forgotten us. The answer? A call from my dad with whom I have a very complicated relationship at times because I am fine with him, but parts are not!

I am supposed to get ready for the book talk, bake things for church on Sunday, and there's a whole lot of cleaning, but I just want a break. I want there to be a calm, quiet, place where no one can bother me and I can just read or write for hours, but even if there were, I would probably be miserable because that's all I can seem to find lately. Misery.

 

[mamachick]

JEKB-I am sorry for how you are experiencing the world right now, and I can completely relate to what you are saying. I really have no friends on a regular basis, no extended family, no close family, and those that are in my very very small circle have so many commitments that I don't bother them, and others I don't really trust. I am wore out from a life of work and am so tired. Im tired of work, Im tired of negative and would like to have fun, but anxiety takes over anyone, so the thought is useless to me. I use to wish for quiet time and now I can read and write alone for hours, and it is no better. I am in physical pain all the time and sleep too much. I feel like a disappointment when I am awake, and guilty for things I don't even know why.

It is becoming harder to hold up my commitments such as you are doing today by giving that talk and baking and cleaning. I am not seeing the point and wonder if anything I can do will ever matter.

Im sorry I do not have some cheerful advice, but I think I can relate to where you are coming from, maybe, or maybe not, don't even know.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Life is hard, life with PTSD is unbearable. I know that when I was in full PTSD flare, I was not a good person to be around. I was depressed, I cried, I hated life, I was angry, I was suicidal, I complained, I had severe anxiety, I was jittery, I was pissed off at the world.

Sometimes I wonder how my friends put up with me, I know now it must have been hell on them. I stop now and I think about how I behaved, and how my PTSD must have affected my friends.

Life is hard, and yes PTSD is a bitch, I just think that many people out there don't have the patience, nor the time to deal with us sometimes. One more reason I strive to stay healthy. I don't want my friends to go through that ever again, cause it was hell for me, and yet I know it was double hell on them.

Take a deep breath and know that you will get through this. Sometimes it's just one minute at a time, but one minute will turn into two before you know it. Things may SEEM overwhelming, but in reality, it's just life and everyone sick and health goes through things...

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@brat17 , thank you for your response. I don't like that you feel similarly. I haven't baked or cleaned, but I have found some ability to put some effort into preparing for my book talk. Overall, though I feel quite similar- I feel like a disappointment and I hate to burden those few people who have put up with me. Others I know won't understand so I won't try. It's so hard. I know I am nearing a breaking point, but for right now I am focused on getting through the book talk. I have several medical test coming up and I'd like to make it through those, too, so maybe I will find some answers to my physical problems because that would help. I think I am going to post some positive quotes and upcoming things to look forward to around my mirror so I can see them in the mirror. It's helped in the past and i haven't done in a while so here's hoping. Wishing you the best in your own journey and really, thank you for your response.

 

[mamachick]

That sounds good. I am glad you are focusing on the book talk, often focusing on something else is helpful, and positive quotes are always great. I hope you get medical answers as well and know how that uncertainty can weigh us down. Just know you are not alone and I am here to talk if you need.