Relationship "i Just Want To Be Left Alone"

[Spazerkk]

Hi all. I'm new here. A little story behind all. I've known my boyfriend for 3 months, been in a relationship a little over a month. He is a Marine who is now in the reserves, he did go to Afghanistan. He has PTSD.

I've never been with someone who is in the military or has PTSD. This is all so new to me. Everything in our relationship was going fine. He always wanted to be around me and spend time with me. Constantly telling me that he loves me and cares for me. This all ended about a week ago after our vacation we took (which was great). Ever since we got back, he has been wanting to be alone, A LOT. He said he doesn't know why but I feel like he has to know if this is what he is feeling. Maybe I am wrong for thinking so. I hate being ignored but I know he wants his alone time. He tells me that he thinks we are going to break up soon & that he didn't want to be in a relationship because he didn't want me to go through what I am going through with him. The "I love you"s stopped. And when I tell him that I love him, his response is "ok". What should I do?! I feel so hopeless. He says if I want to continue this relationship, it is up to me & that he doesn't mind being alone because he likes to be in solitude. I want to continue this relationship but after seeing all this I feel there is no hope but i want to be with him. Can someone give me some insight on how to deal with this? How to assure him that I will be here for him? Thanks in advance.

 

[dms]

Welcome Spazerkk. Please read the Supporter Relationship Forum because we have all been in your very shoes. This is typical PTSD behavior and it's HELL!!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Anyway, Spaz, what you describe is very familiar. People get ticked at me for needing my alone time. They take it personally. It's the main reason I don't vacation with friends anymore as they expect me to be social 24/7 and I can't be. If I try, I get back home and majorly isolate, heading down a black hole.

I'm 4 years into diagnosis, 29 years post trauma and I'm just now learning to balance things, take scheduled rests after social activity, and to ask for space without pushing people away. And this is after a slew of different treatments.

It is very possible that he doesn't know what he is thinking/feeling but knows he needs to be alone.

Dating a ptsd'er is hard. And, not everyone is cut out to deal with it. I urge you to read as much as you can here on the forum, especially Anthony's PTSD cup explanation.

 

[Spazerkk]

Thank you for the insight. It is good to see it from the other side. This past Saturday was my sons birthday party (obviously not bf's son) & he was drinking a lot, kinda stumbling a bit. I asked him to stop drinking and he said he had to drink because that was the only way he could be around people.

He does like the fact that I don't judge him for his PTSD, I just let him know I don't like being ignored. I told him I understand and he will tell me that I don't understand, I'm just trying to understand. Which is true. I am in hopes that things will get better, not only for us but mostly for him. I let him know that I will stay by his side and try to help him out. I just hope that when I give him his alone time that he asks for, he doesn't feel like I don't care when I don't text him to see if all is okay.

I really appreciate the response ScaredOfLonely!

 

[Wornout]

Hi Spazerkk,

Welcome to the forum! I also have had the same problem you are having/had. My ex Marine also was the same loving caring person that yours was. Constantly telling me he loved me and saying how he wouldn't know what to do without me. Then one day it all stopped. He shut down. No more I love you's. no more pet names. No more cute texts. It's been 2 1/2 weeks since he has spoken to me. And deleted me off Facebook and I know I didn't do anything to him.

Being on this forum has opened my eyes to the world of PTSD. I never knew how much the suffers out there go through. And I can tell you from all of this, space is the one thing you need to give him. Calling, texting, and showing up where he is all the time is the worst thing you can do. I was lucky enough to read some stuff first and figure out all of that because I wanted to text. I wanted to call. I wanted to scream and yell and ask why he was doing this to me. But I kept calm and gave him his space. I don't know if he will ever talk to me again. But I will be here if he does. I continued on with my life and it's hard but day by day it gets easier.

I feel like you have an advantage a little bit because for now he is talking to you, but it worries me how he said "it's up to you" if you want this relationship. If he puts no effort into the relationship it makes it exhausting. Has he went to therapy or open to the idea? Because we both know that they can talk to us but we can only help them so much. We don't know what it's like. We haven't seen what they've seen and to be honest we are not Marines. We don't have their mentality. I feel like maybe if he would be willing to go to therapy it might help. But ONLY if he wants to go.

I really hope things work out for you, and your Marine. Just remember it takes a strong woman to be a supporter. :)

 

[Spazerkk]

Wornout,

Thank you for the welcoming. My guy is exactly how you explained your Marine to be. I think it's hard as well because I see how my stepdad is (also a x marine) and he is just quiet. He also suffers from PTSD. Maybe it is just because he has gotten better at controlling it? I dont know.

It is hard to navigate myself around this forum and one thing I have learned (which is very vital) is when they ask to be left alone, leave em. Let them have their alone time. It sucks that he wants his alone time though because we have two classes in College together and sit next to each other. So when I am getting ignored, it hurts even more and disrupts my learning because I can see him in pain and not wanting to tell me. I am scared to know what it is like to be without him because this past month has been amazing with him. I feel as though I need to be around him all the time to get through my day. So when he wants to be in solitude, I feel as though he just doesn't want to be with me at all.

He also is bipolar so out of the blue I will get those "Baby, I am so sorry for the way Ive been acting towards you" and then hours later it "I want my alone time". I don't mind as others say I should leave, I love him no matter what, PTSD and all. He goes to therapy. He doesn't like talking to his therapist though. He has told me some of the things he did so it better helps me understand where he comes from. Me being accepting of him the way he is because Ive experienced the PTSD with my stepdad is a reason why he wanted to further pursue things with me.

 

[Wornout]

I completely understand. I was and still kinda am the same way. We texted every single day for 7 months about anything and everyday. He would come over and we would go out and then it all just ended. I felt so lost.I didn't know what to do with all of my freetime and I just wanted him to talk to me. There would be things I would see that would remind me of him or something that I know he would laugh at that I wanted to see him but I couldn't, because I was giving him his space. It's still hard I still want to. Sometimes I look at my phone thinking he's gonna text me out of the blue. But to fill that void I started working out and going out with friends after work. That helped alot. But I know exactly how you're feeling in that aspect. It's hard. Really hard.

As for loving him no matter what. PTSD and all. That's great. That's what he needs. And I know for my Marine acceptance was a huge thing with him because he always told me how people tried to change him all the time. Just make sure not to lose yourself in all of this. I know that I was so wrapped up in the "why's" and the "I have to be strong for him" that I forgot to be strong for myself. My life kind of revolved around him and how to help him. You are very lucky that he goes to therapy. Mine had to go when he got out but lied to them and have them the "acceptable" answers just to not have to go back anymore. Or just plain wouldn't talk. I hope he starts to open up to his therapist so it can help him out.

 

[Cult]

This is exactly what I am going through with my partner (rape related PTSD, assault happened 20 years ago, we are together 10 years). Our story is identical to those who have posted to this thread. My partner was always telling me how much she loved me, always wanted to hold hands/snuggle, always told me how attractive i am, etc. Since the PTSD symptoms began in January (and have intensified this past month) this is virtually ALL gone. She is receiving CBT and trauma therapy from two different therapists, we are communicating, I am dealing with my own issues, and slowly things are starting to get better. Hang in there.