I Just Want To Go To Heaven

[Tigergirl1217]

Currently I just want to die and go to the Lord for all of eternity. I don't think I'm depressed, in fact I feel very peaceful. I don't want to tell my doctor because I don't want to go back to the psychiatric hospital. I'm going down on seroquil. I just fantasize my funeral and how much I touched my loved ones hearts. I'm also visualizing my obituary. My future kind of feels hopeless. I'm not doing very good in school. Does anyone know what's going on or experience this?

 

[Iamsensative]

@Tigergirl1217 yes it's not strange to feel this way. But my question is why do you feel this way? Depression has away of telling us that no one cares. That's the lie of depression, so many people care. I care. Keep talking, keep reaching out, talk to a therapist. You matter..

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Does anyone know what's going on or experience this?

Every day. Recently ive been at a red light going to work and looking to my left at a funeral home and visualizing my funeral.

The question is, whom would you hurt badly by dying? What loved ones would hurt years and years later?

I'm going down on seroquil.

Going down on? Is that a plan? Im confused by that statement is all.

I don't want to tell my doctor because I don't want to go back to the psychiatric hospital.

You need to tell your therapist. None of this matters if you arent here. I wasnt hospitalized when i told my therapist but if you need to be to be safe from yourself then you need to be.

 

[Friday]

Sounds like going down on your meds is causing suicidal ideation. Talk with your doctor. Immediately. Most of what you're experiencing is probably being caused by your meds.

These happy warm thoughts about death are pure bullshit. Like someone thinking they can fly, because of the meds they're on. They can't fly, and your death will not be this warm happy place, where people think warm happy thoughts about you, and everything is all better.

You die? You'll HURT everyone who cares about you.
You die? Your future IS hopeless, because you will never make anything of yourself.
You die? You will never do well in school, because you'll be dead, so doing badly is it.

You live? THATS where you have a chance to make your life matter.

Dying doesn't fix anything. It just makes everything brutal, dark, and ugly for everyone you love. And stops you from ever doing anything else, ever again. Find your fight. Fight for your life.

Talk to your doctor.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Sounds like going down on your meds is causing suicidal ideation.

Now that i get what that says, I agree.

Seriquel is a dumbing down emotions medication. At least the extended release is. To me, it sounds like seriquel may possibly not be the medication for you. For sleep, many MANY other meds can do that. For daytime anxiety, depression, Bipolar etc, also many other meds can do that.

I agree, either way, you need to talk to your Dr ASAP!

 

[Justmehere]

I have had suicidal fantasies - they are a little different than suicidial ideation - but just as dangerous.

I have lost loved ones to sucidie. That kind of grief is very hard. All fired is difficult but sucidie leaves really complicated feelings for the survivors. The funeral from my roommate who died of suicide wasn't even held until years later because his mother couldn't even speak of it - her shame and guilt over his death was too great. People blame themselves quite automatically when someone they know dies of sucidie and the funerals are often very awkward with many people talking about the person as troubled, instead of reflecting on the good things in their lives.

I don't think it should be this way but it is this way.

As for heaven, that's in God's hands... not yours. You will one day face death but for now, it's your role to stay alive.

The fact that you do not feel depressed but find relief and peace in the suicidial thoughts is a very serious warning sign.

Having suicidial thoughts alone isn't usually enough to hospitalize someone against their will. If you are willing to agree to a plan to stay alive and stay safe your doctor and therapist should continue to help you get through this in an outpatient basis.

The med could be playing a serious role, and perhaps it needs to be tapered slower and another support added. Perhaps an intensive outpatient program would help until things begin to improve.

I have longed for heaven too, and I've been in a place where I dreamed of death and found relief in it.

Pull away from it and reach out as soon as you can. This may feel peaceful and fitting but please know that it's an escape and there are other ways to escape. There is hope, and even if you can't feel it right now there is real hope for you and your life. I used to not see any for mine, but there was hope even when I couldn't see it.

If you can't bring yourself to talk to a therapist or doctor please at least consider crisistext.org or a crisis hotline - at least before you act on anything.

 

[johnisF8T]

I personally am looking for a reason to live. When I was 21 I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Testicular Cancer. Before the doctor told me I had Cancer I saw Jesus Christ in front of me. He had his face to the side and looked very sad, I saw his beard from the side. He told me I was going to have a very hard life ahead. I started crying and then the doctor came in which caused him to disappear. The doctor told me I am sorry but you have Stage 3 Cancer and we need to operate asap. I told him no, to let me die. I was finally convinced to have the 8lb tumor removed. Later I was told I needed chemotherapy which again I fought it. Again I was convinced to take the chemotherapy. All of this I did by myself cause my family never went with me. By the age of 25 I was Cancer free but at a cost. I fell into a suicidal depression. I hated my life, children, & married people because I would never have these things. Most of all I hated God for telling me I had Cancer. By age 31 I had come out of the depression but I was still suicidal. I volunteered at my local fire department but nothing ever happened to me. I helped a lot of people but I was always empty inside. By this time my father had a stroke and I took care of him for the next 17 years till he died of Alzheimer's related disease. After my father passed my mother took ill and is getting ready to pass. Three months ago I decided I was not going to let myself get to the point of growing old like my father since I don't have anybody to care for me. I decided I was going to take my life and making sure I would not be brought back to life. That morning I fell asleep & for a second time in my life Jesus Christ appeared but in a dream and told me not to do it, this time he came with Peter the Apostle. They told me I had a future and would meet somebody that would love me. I met a woman that I knew for over 13 years but she ended breaking my heart. I am the nicest person you would ever meet, I once ran across traffic to save a dog that had run into the road. I have helped hobos when they fall and give them money for food. Now I am at the same point where I was 3 months ago. I am a 46 year old educated man with 2 bachelor degrees and an associate. I have all this an yet I can not find a job that pays above minimum wage. Why am I still here taking up space and why did Jesus Christ appear before me to tell me lies? Maybe my life is one giant lie. A few months ago I went to Church and the priest said it is hard to believe in Jesus Christ cause he is love and their is very little love in this world.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

 

[Tigergirl1217]

I personally am looking for a reason to live. When I was 21 I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Testicular C...

johnis I read your post and it makes me want to cry. You are a very courageous person to live through this. Based off of what I read, you are in this world to help people. All these preachers who say that believing in Christ is simple and that you will enjoy more. They are very wrong. Believing in Jesus is very tough. People will hate you, mock you and persecute. But in the end it doesn't outweigh the benefits of accepting Christ.

You seem like a very kind man and please remember the world needs you. We need more people like you so please remember that:hug: thank you so much for your testimony, you thought me to keep going thank you very much

 

[Gs172003]

Currently I just want to die and go to theLord for all of eternity. I don't think I'm depressed,...

The fact that you are at peace with this is not good. The fact that you told somebody (us) is. I'm sorry that you feel like you need to be in heaven before God thinks you do prayers for healing

 

[Gs172003]

I personally am looking for a reason to live. When I was 21 I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Testicular C...

I don't understand. You said be told you you would have a hard life ahead of you. You never said he said it would end when your cancer did. When did he lie? That said he never promised us an easy life but what he did promise was that he would never leave or forsake us. Im sorry you've been through so much. One thing I've learned is that God uses our pain to help others. This site is a great example of that.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Tigergirl1217 I went through this very thing a few yrs ago. The peace, and euphoria I felt was awesome. Then the planning started. Then I was getting rid of almost all of my possessions, except for the big items. Got rid of everything else. The I wrote a letter to a friend, and mailed it on a Saturday knowing that she would not get it until late Monday when she got home from work. Then I took a shitload of pills and laid down. When the cops arrived on. Monday night, I was very close to death. I have no idea HOW I survived, and neither do the Drs. All said I should have been dead.

Personally I think you are very close to where I was...... The choice is yours. Live or die.