Undiagnosed I just want to relax when being touched - dealing w sexual issues

[rbhacsps]

I have so much to say and barely anyone to say it to...
I haven't joined an online forum in years but I need support from people who are going through something similar.
I'm a 27 year old straight female, been dealing with sexual issues since before I even became sexual with anyone.

When I was 14 my (female) friend molested me during a sleepover. Claimed she was unconscious and thought I was the guy she liked (she groped my crotch area, clothes on). At the time I did not freak out because I think I just dissociated away from any unpleasant emotions. Things were awkward with her after and our friendship drifted apart. We never spoke of this occurrence. I didn't enjoy it but I didn't freak out - I just sort of froze there. I have a long history of panic attacks and this wasn't something that caused it. I don't remember feeling "traumatized" afterwards, just sort of like "oh, my friend touched me, that was weird".

A few years later I started dating guys & becoming sexual with them and some issues start to arise...The first time I was fingered I got major anxiety, not to the point of a panic attack, but my legs would shake uncontrollably. The leg shaking would continue to happen everytime I would be with a new sexual partner. Instead of pleasure, I felt fear, as if the person touching me was a predator and was doing it not for my own pleasure, but as a way to control me. I learned to calm my anxiety about being fingered enough to be able to become wet but I still cannot relax enough to orgasm through being touched because there is still a lot of fear alongside the pleasure. I also cannot orgasm through oral sex - it feels good to me but I cannot relax because it feels too invasive/uncomfortable having someone be down there. The only way I can orgasm is through vaginal sex which is very hard to get clitoral stimulation from without being touched - I've found what feels good and what can get me there but it is hard for some people to do. Since I can only orgasm in such few ways due to my anxiety from being touched, my sex life stresses me out if my partner cannot perform in a certain way.

I just don't understand why I have these issues with being touched if I didn't feel "traumatized" after my friend molested me. Is that normal? Perhaps something else happened to me that I don't remember?

I just want to be able to relax while being touched.

 

[SpacemanSpiff]

First I have to say it was very wrong of your companion to do that to you and it may not have traumatized you by your reasoning but it is still affecting you in some way. Do you have a therapist or thinking of finding one? Maybe a sex therapist could give you relaxation techniques.

As far as you asking if the way you feel is normal well I cannot give you a succinct answer but you have great insight into your past and present experiences and by the tone of your writing it is bothering you. The only thing I can say is that you are entitled to your feelings for being violated and no one has any authority to tell you otherwise.

Nice to see you here. Please let us know how you're doing.

 

[Akhos]

Hello and welcome. Good to have you here

Firstly, its very brave to just come out and talk about what has happened to you and how it still affects you now. That shows true strength and character. This is a safe place where you can talk about anything you like regardless of how awkward it may feel.

Unfortunately, I cant comment in relation to female sexuality specifically (my wife would love me even more if I could), but do you know where the original panic attacks started from? Is it possible that any current sexual contact just triggers off subconsiously resulting in your body reliving and preparing for danger, which subsequently, stops any sexual desire?

 

[The Albatross]

The touch thing for me was some therapeutic stuff like massage (clothes on at first) or cranio sacral. I would back away or cringe or actively avoid being touched for a while. I had to come up with ideas and strategies to normalize it. Some of that was therapeutic because in my brain it was "medicinal" - if I wanted the benefits I had to endeavor to do the treatments. I had a partner so was able to work out the bugs of more intimate physical contacts, but I am still not - nor may likely be normalized from an aversion for penetration... so I still have a sexual dysfunction.

I also ended up with very hands on vocations of sorts direct personal care for children and elderly... even special populations in aquatic settings. I found I was able to focus on the tasks and the fact that physical contact for that persons safety... I could do.

 

[EveHarrington]

Can you clarify?

Is the fact that you can only orgasm in a few ways stressing you out?

I'm someone who can't orgasm in any way with a partner. Well, lets just say that it hasn't happened yet, I'm not saying it won't ever happen.

I'm concerned that you're putting too much stress on the orgasm part. The truth is that many women cannot orgasm with a partner. The key is to find what works for you. (Sex toys work for me, along with a partner who doesn't let his ego get in the way and take it personally that I don't orgasm with him.)