I keep accusing my partner of being a bad person

[AliciaEff]

So my partner and I just got into an argument because we were listening to the song “suicide bomber” by Against Me and he made the comment that only white people would feel safe enough to make a song like that, but then went on to say “I know the lead singer is trans but...” and I interrupted him. In my head he was about to say “you can’t use being trans as an excuse to get away with anything.” I believed he was going to say that because in the past he has said things like “just because you’re Chinese doesn’t mean you get to break laws in Canada” about some people who parked in two spaces, or when someone drives by blaring rap music he’ll say “we get it, you’re black, no one is willing to tell you to turn your music down.”

I have told him in the past that he says racist things and I think he should stop. He seems to think that I just allow all people of colour or other oppressed groups to do whatever they want because I’m afraid of being racist/ bigoted.

The point of this story, however, is that I know he is not a racist person. He will say racist things sometimes and so will I. We try to improve when we can, but everyone makes mistakes. I know he’s kind and caring and he doesn’t hate gay people or trans people, but I have begun to assume he’s going to say bigoted things when he talks about trans people or such.

I think part of the issue is that I’m worried on a subconscious level that I chose to be with the wrong person. My trauma is from sexual abuse at the hands of my ex-boyfriend so I have a lot of self-trust issues where I second-guess judgements I have made about people because I’m scared that I was wrong to trust them.

Does anyone have any techniques or advice for me so I can quiet the thoughts that tell me that my judgement was wrong about him and allow me to focus on all the amazing things he does and the great parts of his personality so I don’t end up hurting him by accusing him of being a bad person?

 

[blackemerald1]

so I have a lot of self-trust issues where I second-guess judgements I have made about people because I’m scared that I was wrong to trust them.

I know this doesn't sound too helpful @AliciaEff - but you are 99% there by just understanding the issue's you have and countering them with your own self talk and not jumping in too fast.

Allow him to make his statements and then sit back and consider. Give yourself time to work out in your own mind what it is that he said and whether or not it crosses the line. You need to give yourself time to breathe and process. If he has said something that isn't appropriate you can then consider how you are going to respond... again time is on your side. The way you respond can make all the difference when it comes to having an argument that needs to be had or not. If you feel firm in the belief that what he has said is inappropriate state your case and move on. Don't let it infect the rest of your day, relationship and life.

Also, you do know that whilst it is good to remind him (and yourself) as I do to myself -when I am going to initiate a foot in mouth moment - you cannot ultimately control him.