I Keep Hurting Myself Whilst Dissociated

[super_saiyan]

There will be a reason for a part to be acting in this way, there will be a purpose to it. It may b...

Hey. Thanks for your response. How do I communicate with parts? I have heard of Khiron house - I emailed them but they said they only take private patients and it would need to be self-funded, so that's out of the question for me. Have looked into NHS commissioned places but they are few and far between :( I think it is dawning on me that I am not safe in the community and need a safe environment throughout therapy but there is just such a lack of options for me. I have really injured my leg (muscular) after a dissociative episode earlier this morning, and I cannot recall how I did it. Need to go buy a support for it because putting any weight on it is difficult.

I have been thinking about some of the places I end up during dissociative episodes - the river, playgrounds, churches, train stations. all symbolic in their own ways, I highly doubt they are co-incidental locations. I am just finding this all very overwhelming.

I really appreciate all your responses. It is comforting to know that there are people out there that get it and empathise, which is a very different experience for me.

edit - my therapist is trained in complex trauma but she says I need to be very stable before we begin any 'proper' work.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Your last dissociative episode that you mentioned here did not result in self-injury, which is why I said what I did. As long as the self-injury doesn't start up again, the dissociation is not dangerous.

I had DID, so I was on the extreme end of the dissociative continuum. I've lost as many as five days at a time. Again, it's weird but not dangerous, as long as you don't find evidence of violence against yourself or others.

Agree that it would be best to allow yourself to sleep through the night, rather than set an alarm.

About setting up bottles and such in front of the front door - that might work for sleepwalking but definitely not for a dissociative episode! Your dissociated self is not sleepwalking, dizzy, or whatever, but is rather quite capable of dismantling and ignoring such barriers.

The key to dealing with all of this is internal communication. At first, you may need a therapist to help you with this task. What you do is speak aloud or write letters or journal entries to your alter. Try to communicate even if there is no response; if you speak aloud, your alter will hear you.

Express interest in communicating with, getting to know your alter. Ask why she is doing whatever she's doing. Express your concerns.

 

[Sarahlou611]

Hey. Thanks for your response. How do I communicate with parts? I have heard of Khiron house - I e...

Everyone is different with how they communicate.

For example, some of us only communicate through writing, some will talk directly to me (kind of in my head), some it's only feelings.
I find speaking outloud to them, or writing directly to them, often they can hear me.

I've personally found that some of my parts self harm as a way to cope with things I'm not even aware of. I've tried limiting options and adding safety mechanisms (I.e locking doors and removing keys) however I've found they will still do whatever they feel the need to do.

I was under the impression that Khiron will take NHS funded patients, if funding is available. I know the assessment itself costs too.

I'm sorry I'm not any more help with suggestions of places, I know from my own team looking that there aren't many places that truly understand.

I've found that the inpatient side of things has helped with safety during therapy but brings it's own problems in itself. Even with a specialist Trauma unit, there's so many problems and triggers etc.

I hope you manage to find some safety to do the work that you need to do for the life you deserve xx

 

[BlueOrange]

edit - my therapist is trained in complex trauma but she says I need to be very stable before we begin any 'proper' work.

Sounds very smart. Once you're reasonably stable, you can experiment and find your way back to stability. Until then, I'd suggest you avoid doing any experiments that you haven't discussed with the therapist.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Seeking stability is the very first task. I agree that you and your therapist shouldn't begin 'proper' DID work until you are quite stable, as DID therapy can be destabilizing in-and-of itself.

 

[pixel]

@BuckarooBanzai i completely disagree:

dissociative episodes (the black outs you've mentioned) are not dangerous in-and-of themselves; your dissociated self knows how to take care of you.

RUBBISH.
The posts @super_saiyan shared reveal that self harm had occured in the groin, inner thigh and stomach; and getting injured outdoors.

As long as you aren't harming yourself or others, I wouldn't worry about the dissociation.

RUBBISH. She said she is harming herself.
She doesn't know if anyone else is hurt BECAUSE SHE WAS DISSOCIATED.
If she inadvertently got herself pregnant or infected with a sexually transmitted infection, is that okay because she wasn't harming herself or others?

As long as the self-injury doesn't start up again, the dissociation is not dangerous.

RUBBISH! Walk into any forensic hospital and say that.
Go on. and tell us what their response is.

 

[Knak]

Why wouldn't they believe you?

Ben

I've had more than one therapist tell me I hurt myself to get attention, or not believe things were as I reported.
Especially when I first had a breakdown and couldn't talk or think. I felt I had to convince them that things happened that caused it but I didin't understand it and apparantly neither did they.

 

[Knak]

Thanks for replies.

They are holding a professionals meeting on Tuesday to see what to do with me...

I hesitate to say this on this forum but you might ask Richard Grannon, if you can reach him. He is living in England now and is very connected to resources for dealing with PTSD and CPTSD. He is on YouTube for starters.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

RUBBISH! Walk into any forensic hospital and say that.
Go on. and tell us what their response is.

Pixel, been there, done that. I'm a recovered multiple. I have studied this topic in-depth at a professional level.

Read my words again. Dissociation is not, in-and-of itself, dangerous. I was trying to normalize the situation, rid her of her fear of dissociation, so she could deal better with what is going on.

Now, that doesn't mean she hasn't been choosing to do dangerous things while dissociated. She obviously has made poor, violent choices while dissociated. But, note, she didn't do things things BECAUSE she was dissociated, rather she 'utilized' a dissociative episode in order to hurt herself; she subconsciously wanted to hurt herself, so she dissociated in order to 'allow' herself to do something she wouldn't normally do. But, it wasn't the dissociative state that led her to do these things to herself.

 

[pixel]

she subconsciously wanted to hurt herself, so she dissociated in order to 'allow' herself to do something she wouldn't normally do.

I'm struggling with this. :tdown:
Is that fair dinkum? :O_o:
It's a new thought for me; will ponder over it.

 

[super_saiyan]

Pixel, been there, done that. I'm a recovered multiple. I have studied this topic in-depth at a...

I am trying to process what you have said. I have absolutely no conscious thoughts of wanting to hurt myself. Self-harm is never something I have struggled with. I am not aware of any part of me that wants to act violently towards myself. I can't control the dissociation and I can't induce it.

 

[pixel]

she 'utilized' a dissociative episode in order to hurt herself; she subconsciously wanted to hurt herself, so she dissociated in order to 'allow' herself to do something she wouldn't normally do. But, it wasn't the dissociative state that led her to do these things to herself.

Provide references please.

Dissociation is not, in-and-of itself, dangerous.

This is unhelpful.

A car is not, in-and-of itself, dangerous. They are useful tools for transportation. When certain drivers get behind the wheel cars become dangerous. Society has to deal with these people accordingly.

The OP has pleaded for help regarding her dissociative episodes because she is behaving injuriously to herself. Posts that dismiss the seriousness of her experience are unwelcome here.

In the future you may like to think about how throwing your high-minded opinions around can affect a person who is struggling here and now.