I Keep Hurting Myself Whilst Dissociated

[super_saiyan]

I went through a stage of self-harm a lot of years back, but that was very complicated and I don't think even that was completely a conscious active choice. I am trying to understand dissociation and have recently been given the label of DID. I try not to read too much about it, but understand there may be 'parts' of me that want to be violent towards me?? Although the episodes of violence are very much like direct re-enactments of things others have done to me (in the pattern, and content) so I have been thinking maybe I am re-experiencing stuff, re-enacting it whilst having an active flashback, then dissociating straight after and not remembering? Is that possible? Does that make sense? The 'parts' and 'alters' stuff freaks me out a little, so I am hoping that (despite how bad it is) it is simply a case of a horrific flashback which causes amnesia of it.

 

[Sideways]

I have a part that's aggressive towards me when she gets the chance, and she's very (very) into basically recreating traumatic events. Seeks out guys that are hellbent on abuse and engages them.

If it's any help - that part is just plain angry. She went through a lot of my abuse for me. She experienced it, she stores the memories. In her mind, that sort of treatment is what she's always known and it makes sense. It's predictable to her, so in that respect, abuse actually feels safer.

That part and I have a lot of work to do in terms of learning to accept each other and coexist. I hate her, she hates me. And like you (maybe?), we went through a period that I call my World War DID: I was deliberately baiting her, she was deliberately hurting me. She also continues to actively sabotage my therapy, because she still sees it as a threat to her way of coping with life.

I handled that by working on a ceasefire. It took time, and there were wounds for both of us, but we have reached a point where there is deliberate all-out conflict.

If that sounds familiar at all, it may be worth working with your T to try and open some communication with that part to at least reach your own ceasefire. My part is very aggressive, so it wasn't easy. But I think it's common to have a part like that, and people do work through it.

 

[BlueOrange]

Pixel, been there, done that. I'm a recovered multiple. I have studied this topic in-depth at a professional level.

The thing that I invite you to consider is that in this setting, you are not a therapist. We do not provide therapy here, we provide peer support.

In the context of professional training, I think your comments make a lot of sense. But there's a ton of context that's required to properly comprehend what you've said.

When you say "Dissociation is not dangerous" (which is true, in a technical sense), please recognize that you're not talking to professionals, and you're not at the beginning of a therapy session where understanding can be reliably confirmed and reinforced.

Because I don't think you mean "Dissociative episodes are not dangerous" (I certainly hope not). It's a pretty subtle distinction for people who don't share your background.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

SIgh. Sometimes, being kind and helpful counts for nothing.

How sad.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

I try not to read too much about it, but understand there may be 'parts' of me that want to be violent towards me??

It's possible.

Although the episodes of violence are very much like direct re-enactments of things others have done to me (in the pattern, and content) so I have been thinking maybe I am re-experiencing stuff, re-enacting it whilst having an active flashback, then dissociating straight after and not remembering? Is that possible? Does that make sense?

Yes, something like that.

Take heart. You will come to understand all of this over time. This will not last forever.