I Keep Wanting Ill For Them All! Have I Gone Crazy?

[The Albatross]

You can Jess, hang on all you like as long as you're willing to accept the consequences that go along with it. I personally, wasn't.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I went through the stage of anger and bitterness for so many years. I finally dealt with it when I got sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Go through this stage and it will take as long as it takes.

Sounds like you have been traumatized for so long.

I do not blame you for getting so angry and wishing bad for them. Sounds like your inner child is expressing the feelings you had at the time of your trauma.

 

[Springer80]

I used to want to kill my abuser with a kitchen grater, so I get the level of hate that can be present with a person all the time.

I read a book once called 'An Evil Cradling' by Brian Keenan. He was held hostage for nearly five years in Lebanon.
It allowed me to let go of the hate I was consumed by and taught me that forgiveness is a very nuanced thing.

I don't forgive him for what he did to me. I don't excuse him in any way. And if I could have him prosecuted (I've tried), then I would. But I pity him the person who he is because being him must be absolute hell. The book taught me that and repeat thoughts of revenge and malice stopped.

 

[Justmehere]

Some say anger is a normal part of the grieving and letting go process towards growth.

I would almost be a little concerned if you never went through a stage of wanting justice, revenge. I would also be concerned if you were on then other end of the spectrum and had serious plans to act on thoughts of hating them.

Anger and hate is horrible and hard to endure. There is a saying that hate of others is like taking a poison ourselves and hoping it will harm someone else. I think that this can sometimes apply.

One thing I have been challenged about is to thinking about what anger is doing for me? Is there some purpose behind the fuel, the fire, the drive? Sometimes anger tells us something was wrong, something needs to change. It can be boundaries that need to change - both internal or external boundaries.


From the outside, I can see that you struggle with negative self images you have about you -- I think maybe this anger is a part of you beginning to push away the internalized messages of your abusers. Maybe your anger is part of you beginning to believe they were wrong and you really are a woman of great value and worth. Maybe it is part of you reclaiming your own definition of you.

Maybe it can even be a tool to fuel yourself towards self compassion and self acceptance.

 

[J_trustno1]

Thanks @Justmehere and thanks to everyone who put forward their suggestions and replied to this thread.

I am suffering from the anger, hate, jealousy and envying right now!! The anger and hate is for them all. However, I don't like comparing myself to other people. I should just be focusing on myself other than worrying about what the world is doing! When I see my cousins get an easy life I do feel jealous and I am happy to admit it! However, when I see other normal people except my relatives achieving so much in their career and qualifications, i feel that i have not achieved anything. It's not that I am going to attack those high achievers but I hate the place I am in right now. When I see other girls and guys getting PhDs or better career than I am I feel that I have still not accomplished anything in life and then I start feeling miserable about myself. Argh!! I feel I am turning out to be like my abusers which I DO NOT want to be like !! :(

 

[Dana1010]

I feel that I have still not accomplished anything in life and then I start feeling miserable about myself.

I too spiral into regret over not being where I should be because of all the hell I've been put through and its aftermath. What hurts the most is people who don't have any idea what I've lived through turning their noses up at me like I'm some layabout dumb ass who can't converse on their level. It makes you really cynical about the world when people won't bother to talk to someone for five minutes to see what they're made of. Instead they take out their little calculators and punch in the numbers. They seem very tribal and ritualistic and keen to make others feel excluded.

I'm getting better at shrugging it off. They just don't have all the information so I can't take their reactions seriously. Most of those people you envy wouldn't be as well off as YOU are today if they'd been put through the same trials.

 

[J_trustno1]

But I can't get past it. I can't seem to overcome my jealousy for other people. I never used to be a jealous type and i believed in working hard own my own. Now when I see someone prettier, better height, better style, figure, qualification, job or martial status, I really put myself down. I feel I am not good enough :(.

 

[Dana1010]

But I can't get past it. I can't seem to overcome my jealousy for other people. I never used to be a jealous type and i believed in working hard own my own. Now when I see someone prettier, better height, better style, figure, qualification, job or martial status, I really put myself down. I feel I am not good enough :(.

I do it too. I'm not speaking as someone who's come out the other side. I'm still in the thick of it. My inner voice sounds just like a certain someone from my past, negative, berating, insulting.

You're a person of great depth and wisdom having gone through all you have. To me that's a lot more interesting than some yuppie parroting popular slogans with a Coors Light in his hand surrounded by his entourage of clone "friends" (people who'd have nothing to do with him if he didn't look right on paper).*

*No offense if there are any PTSD sufferers here who fit that description.

 

[Mystery]

We are social mammals, our evolution has programmed us to have a strong urge to merge with the social group, to be accepted and have a place in the 'heirarchy' of the community we live in. What you say Dana1010 about humiliation being so powerful, is a testament to this. Being socially outcast or devalued in the eyes of others isn't just 'codependence issues' imho, it hooks into our programmed survival mechanisms and has a big impact on our identity.

We grow up learning to mirror each other too, to have empathy for others, because it is actually beneficial to our survival. We were not evolved/adapted to sole survival. Our entire being has been built to be part of a social group, advantageous to our survival and success in life.

When life deals us a 'devaluing' blow we go to the bottom of the social ladder in our own minds at least and sometimes in actual reality in the eyes of others. It's entirely understandable that survivors of every type of trauma come to view themselves as less important, less useful, less desirable and so on.

Human beings have the added complexity, that apparently other mammals don't, of having a higher level of consciousness that needs to find meaning in their lives beyond their physical survival needs. This is what I believe trauma survivors have a difficult time integrating. Myself included. It is difficult to move forward from trauma, live with the resulting injury and assign meaning to the experience that makes sense of it.

None of us want to feel that we consume the resources of our social group, community, world or what ever it may be that we see ourselves living in. We want to contribute something meaningful and useful. Anthony has done it, he has contributed and designed something quite groundbreaking and who knows where it will lead to? Each and every one of us here on his site is doing that, in ever so little and big ways. For me, that's a good start. Things only get better from there.

 

[J_trustno1]

These feeling are hard to control. It's like those RED lights which are not ready to turn Green just yet :mad:. All those dirty emotions are surfacing right now. I feel like that dragon who is willing to fire her anger, hate and jealousy at any moment.

 

[Mystery]

I'm hearing you, loud and clear (or rather 'Red'), its much better to keep expressing like you are than bury it. Other people got what you deserved and it was not your fault. Now you have to give those things to yourself and allow yourself to believe that you always did and always will deserve them. imho.

 

[J_trustno1]

My own post reminded me of this song I've been listening on the radio since last week.