:wall:
I feel like shit. I knew it would happen. Having spent a whole day writing an application for a job I'm unlikely to get, I decided to face reading through the transcript of the interview I had to give as part of the investigation into the grievance I have raised. The grievance - just so you know, is against my employers due to their ongoing failure to support me at work and lack of acknowedgment that it was my job that triggered my PTSD. This is the second grievance I have raised since the summer.
I'd had the document for a couple of weeks, but because my symptoms have been so bad, I hadn't dared look at it. The interview, when it was conducted in October, was hard work. Not only was it at the end of a working day, when I was truly exhausted and my brain is on slow mo, but the interviewer was brash and aggressive in his manner and of course this set me off straight away as aggression is one of my big triggers. He seemed to lack any compassion or willingness to understand my condition and what that meant for me in terms of conducting an interview.
I'd forwarded the transcript to the solicitor to ,look through because I couldn't face it and he gave me some pointers, but it was still hanging over me. I also e-mailed the investigator and explained that my symptoms had been bad and I was unable to read it through at the moment. He replied demanding to know when I would be able to do it - Like any of us can really predict when our good or bad days will be.
I suppose part of the problem has been if I'm having a good day I know reading through the transcript will trigger me, and if I'm having a bad day I simply can't face anything. Do I therefore sacrifice one of my beautiful sacred good days? Knowing it had to be done, that is what I eventually did this evening.
I sat at the laptop and read through a blow by blow account of my interview. I can hear my voice and the investigators voice, I can hear and feel his aggitation and my panic. Not only that, but I also then have the combination of that with having to re-live the incident itself that triggered the PTSD and the continued **** ups of HR and management by having to explain it all to him - AGAIN! I can feel myself welling up, starting to panic and wanting to run out of the kitchen away from the laptop. Instead I hide behind my hands as if that will make the writing go away and the pain stop. And I'm really angry that I'm even in the position I am now having to read a transcript about how my employers have been truly shit at supporting me and that I was placed in such a dangerous situation in the first place.
Then I read my statement about how I've lost everything and my relationship is "hanging on by the skin of it's teeth" and then it's all too real. I'm devastated again by the reminder that this incident has messed everything up and no matter what I do, nothing seems to make it better. I've spent the rest of the evening self sabotaging, crying, shouting at myself in my head and just being mean to myself because "I knew I shouldn't have read it".
To top it off my boyfriend then tells me that the fact his daughter, who decided to destroy one of my items of clothing last week has now paid for it to be replaced, and I should leave it. What I want is an apology from just one person in my life who has shown the slightest bit of aggression to me. That would be nice. The money is completely irrelevant and it hurts that people close to me can't see the importance of acknowledging how damaging and scary aggression - in whatever form and context is to me.
Sorry bad day :poke:
I feel like shit. I knew it would happen. Having spent a whole day writing an application for a job I'm unlikely to get, I decided to face reading through the transcript of the interview I had to give as part of the investigation into the grievance I have raised. The grievance - just so you know, is against my employers due to their ongoing failure to support me at work and lack of acknowedgment that it was my job that triggered my PTSD. This is the second grievance I have raised since the summer.
I'd had the document for a couple of weeks, but because my symptoms have been so bad, I hadn't dared look at it. The interview, when it was conducted in October, was hard work. Not only was it at the end of a working day, when I was truly exhausted and my brain is on slow mo, but the interviewer was brash and aggressive in his manner and of course this set me off straight away as aggression is one of my big triggers. He seemed to lack any compassion or willingness to understand my condition and what that meant for me in terms of conducting an interview.
I'd forwarded the transcript to the solicitor to ,look through because I couldn't face it and he gave me some pointers, but it was still hanging over me. I also e-mailed the investigator and explained that my symptoms had been bad and I was unable to read it through at the moment. He replied demanding to know when I would be able to do it - Like any of us can really predict when our good or bad days will be.
I suppose part of the problem has been if I'm having a good day I know reading through the transcript will trigger me, and if I'm having a bad day I simply can't face anything. Do I therefore sacrifice one of my beautiful sacred good days? Knowing it had to be done, that is what I eventually did this evening.
I sat at the laptop and read through a blow by blow account of my interview. I can hear my voice and the investigators voice, I can hear and feel his aggitation and my panic. Not only that, but I also then have the combination of that with having to re-live the incident itself that triggered the PTSD and the continued **** ups of HR and management by having to explain it all to him - AGAIN! I can feel myself welling up, starting to panic and wanting to run out of the kitchen away from the laptop. Instead I hide behind my hands as if that will make the writing go away and the pain stop. And I'm really angry that I'm even in the position I am now having to read a transcript about how my employers have been truly shit at supporting me and that I was placed in such a dangerous situation in the first place.
Then I read my statement about how I've lost everything and my relationship is "hanging on by the skin of it's teeth" and then it's all too real. I'm devastated again by the reminder that this incident has messed everything up and no matter what I do, nothing seems to make it better. I've spent the rest of the evening self sabotaging, crying, shouting at myself in my head and just being mean to myself because "I knew I shouldn't have read it".
To top it off my boyfriend then tells me that the fact his daughter, who decided to destroy one of my items of clothing last week has now paid for it to be replaced, and I should leave it. What I want is an apology from just one person in my life who has shown the slightest bit of aggression to me. That would be nice. The money is completely irrelevant and it hurts that people close to me can't see the importance of acknowledging how damaging and scary aggression - in whatever form and context is to me.
Sorry bad day :poke:
