I Know, I Know Why! I Know Why I Don't Remember!

[Tinyflame]

Dear Grama-Herc,

I think by "just being you". You are not the same as you were- neither are they. You did the best you could, and that's all any of us can ever do. You cannot change the past anymore than they can, but you do have now.

My best wishes to you (and your family).:Hug_emoticon:

 

[Deleted member 541]

Herc,

You validate her, her feelings, her emotions, and what she went through. You apologize, you take responsibility for your behavior. You CAN'T go back and do it over, you can only be a better person starting today, and everyday after that......You do that by working on you, your trauma, learning good coping skills, how to deal with stress in healthy ways, yada yada yada..........

 

[tude]

Great response Wendy. I couldn't agree with you more...

 

[Mercy]

By being who you are now, your daughter will experience the difference. I bet she has been yearning for the mother you are now. No, you cannot go back and change the past but you can own up, say sorry, and ask what would help your daughter now.:Hug_emoticon:

Adjusting to new trauma information is always hard-even if that old life style was what you were compelled to do. I wonder, do you know why you went off the deep end? Do you know what it was that made you escape back then?

If you do then maybe that could be a piece of chat info., if not maybe a good friend or a therapist can help you feel safe enough to look further back:thumbs-up.

 

[Grama-Herc]

I just sent my kid an medium size email and in it I told her how much her opening up meant to me, and I hoped we would be able to do it again. . I said that she was not to worry about making me angry or hurting my feeling when we were being that honest with each other.

I did not tell her how much it has thrown me. TMI and she doesn't need it. It is my issue and I don't want to do or say anything that would stop her from opening up again.

I am still reeling from the info that she revealed to me. But it sure explains a lot.
So now on to another snipet of my life, I hope

 

[Jim]

Well done Herc. Good luck with your daughter and take care.

Jim.

 

[Grama-Herc]

I just realized that I have not addressed this new issue in my life.

The reason why I don't remember a very large portion of my life.

I have consciously decided to ignore the truth. Maybe it is a healthy approach and maybe it isn't. But I can't change what I did and dwelling on it will only upset me.

So, I got what I wanted----a reason----I'm gonna be satisfied with that!

 

[pandora]

Herc...your story truly inspires me. I am the daughter living in similar circumstances and I beleive that your daughter is very fortunate that you are so open and honest and want to heal from and learn from the past and let it go. My mother does not acknowledge the bad things that she did and never will and she does not talk about the past and does not want to, I think it is just too painful for her but her actions have changed and I feel like she cares about me for the first time in a very long time. So Herc...we are not perfect and who knows if you not wanting to go back to the past is healthy or not( although my gut tells me it might bite you in the arse too and denial is a wonderful thing but it can keep you sick..JMO though) but you are definately handling this situation with your daughter in a very healthy way now and again, Herc...it is inspiring to me and so great to hear that this relationship is moving forward.

 

[Shamstalat]

Grama-Herc, I'm so happy that you could begin on the process of healing with your daughter! From what it sounds like, you both got trapped in a cycle, and now you are breaking free. The best of luck with healing. Hugs.

 

[Grama-Herc]

Last time I heard you were moving into a duplex with your son and mother. I am wondering how that is going?

The fact that you were/are considering a move is like that is such a step forward for you and your mother. I hope it is still going to happen/has happened.

My daughter said it best when she told me that she was " trying to focus on the person I have become and not the person I was"

While I can't give you feedback from the daughter side, I can try and relay to you how my daughter is handling this. Maybe that will help.

 

[Lisa]

Grama-herc... I remember when you and your daughter first made contact again, and everything surrounding that last November.

It is so LOVELY to have come back here recently, to see that this issue is now being worked out between you two. My hat goes off to you... you show much strength in this thread and I hope you don't find this patronising...but you sound SO different to when I was last here and reading your posts... I just thought I would give you that feedback. Sometimes we don't notice ourselves changing...sometimes we do...but it's always nice to be told 'You seem different, in a good way'.

 

[Grama-Herc]

Lisa,

What a nice thing to say and the psitive feedback is appreciated.

You are correct, we don't get positive feed very often. Do you really hear that much of a change in me?

I just know that having my daughter back in my life has changed everything. I am still shcoked. I find myself some times just sitting and shaking my head in disbelief and gratitude.