I know this may be a stupid question, but, I need help working out if my husband raped me

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi, it's been a long time since I posted here, but I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around this one, and have been struggling with this issue for a long time.

On Sept 30, my husband said to me--in the context of a long list of questions of the things he does not force me to do--"I did force you to have anal sex with me, which was a terrible mistake." Followed by a comment that his father cheated on his mother because she wouldn't have sex with him, and he is pretty sure his father tried to rape his mother a few times. [His maternal grandfather was a pedophile, his mom an incest victim.] Does this mean he raped me?

 

[Jade-]

Yes he did rape you.Im sorry he did that to you."Forced" anal sex is definitely rape.

 

[Teasel]

You don't mention your side of the story, how you experienced this, I mean sex without consent is rape.

 

[Mee]

I don’t know if this will help but it did me, when I was looking back over my marriage and consent and my fears. It’s a blog post that is really comprehensive and I think quite open minded. I think the blog has a Christian bent but I am not Christian, I just note it in case that upsets anyone.

Sex and Consent: How Does That Work In Marriage? — Ashley Easter

 

[grit]

First I am really sorry that your husband talks to you like this and honestly it does not sound very safe. Whether you are raped or not, only you can decide.

It is hard to judge from one line without context. What do you remember from your perspective? You can also (only if you feel safe) ask him about this if you do not feel you were raped but is concerned his wording and his intention and knowing the context of both experiences.
I can think of many ways this can mean rape and it may not. So that is why it is hard for me to answer to you about your own feelings.
Either way, regardless of what you get from this posting, if you have a therapist, it is probably really important you explore this issue because it will impact future relations with your husband.

 

[Sideways]

Does this mean he raped me?

It certainly sounds like he’s feeling bad about the experience.

But it’s, generally speaking, rape is sex without consent. So, it would be your mindset at the time that matters. He feels like he forced you, and while that doesn’t necessarily mean you weren’t consenting, it certainly sounds like something you might revisit with him, particularly given his history.

Is he okay? Are you okay?

 

[Phoenix_Rising]

Context--and please understand that some of this is quite new and I'm trying to cope with it...

Incident in question

We were up late getting ready for our daughter's birthday party the following morning. It was late, we were exhausted.

We got into a fight over something stupid--pop going into the fridge.

I was upset and tired, so I left my clothes on (because I didn't want to have sex after a fight, primarily, but I was also tired and wanted to sleep). That made him furious bc I was not unclothed and he had wanted to have sex.

He then started saying he was going to leave, end our relationship and leave our daughter (and her wake up to this instead of the birthday party she was expecting) and not come back.

I figured we were both just wiped out and begged him for half an hour to an hour not to leave and to just come to bed. He'd left once already and it was extremely traumatic to both my daughter and myself. Finally he did come to bed, and he was angry. He had anal sex (something we never did without talking about first and was an excruciatingly painful act for me and he knew that) with me while I cried the entire time, both because it hurt so much physically but also because I was hoping he would stop. I was too afraid to say anything if I am brutally honest with myself. That's why I took my clothes off when he got so angry. That was not enough. But it wasn't until 6 weeks later when I was helping him at his office and we were talking about abuse, and he said how ashamed he was of what he had done at my parents house and how easily they could have heard. What shattered me was him saying he did it because it was the worst thing he could think of to do to me (I have been raped and sexually abused before) and it was the only thing that he thought for sure would make me end our relationship. He was shocked, but later grateful, he told me, that I had not kicked him out the next morning and went on with the birthday party.

He has multiple major mental illnesses and some of them cause/contribute to this type of behaviour, but he was not diagnosed at the time. He had quit his job at the time and it was like he was trying to destroy every part of his life. I have supported him through breakdown after breakdown and repeated psych hospitalizations since then.

We are on the final stretch of trying, after him coming out of the hospital on a med that was making things so much worse a few months ago. He's now hit me twice in the last 2 months. Broken my things. Called me more names than I care to count. It's not like him, but the personality changes happen and then I'm trying to make sense of one of the most confusing experiences of my life. The verbal abuse is more consistent. Others are more rare. He had sex with me in my sleep on 2 occasions and another time he was trying to put his finger up my anus and I said no, he didn't listen, I don't know why. He was always gentle and sensitive and caring during sex and then when he started to get sick it just became this snowball effect. Everything changed. I could never reconcile that with the man I knew, I still can't.

I tried for a long time to just ignore it and hoped it would go away. But in reality I haven't been able to be sexual or have sex since then. He is and has been getting treatment, it takes a long time. Especially with borderline personality disorder. We are trying to work on things but it's hard for me because this is someone that I love, and I feel like I'm betraying him just by thinking or asking about this... but I've got to deal with this if that is what this is. I have a terrible time coping with it and I feel so guilty that I don't want sex and he knows it. And I'm always pushing it away out of my consciousness like an unwelcome jack in the box. I hope this makes sense.

 

[Mee]

I skin read. I’m sorry. I read coercion. Threatening to leave. That is rape. That he planned it because it was the worst thing, it was premeditated and intentional.

I am so sorry.

 

[Sideways]

Okay, so yes to the rape question.

Take a moment to high 5 yourself for not only coming back to this site, but typing all that out.

This is a domestic violence situation that is currently unsafe, especially for you, potentially also for your daughter.

He is and has been getting treatment, it takes a long time

This is great news. Potentially, at some point down the track, you will have a relationship again that is worth all this effort.

But you’re right that this will be a slow process, and you aren’t safe right now. It doesn’t sound like your daughter is safe.

Would you and your daughter moving in with your parents temporarily be an option? For your safety?

 

[Teasel]

Agreed, I am so sorry you are going through all of this and I too think this is an abusive relationship. I've been through that too and it is ever so confusing to go through I know. I hope you will reach out for help to get away from him and get yourself any help that you need too. Keep posting here if it helps.
:hug:

 

[Juso]

What shattered me was him saying he did it because it was the worst thing he could think of to do to me (I have been raped and sexually abused before) and it was the only thing that he thought for sure would make me end our relationship.

Yeah, this shattered me too, and I only had to read it instead of experience it. I am so, so sorry.

I feel so guilty that I don't want sex and he knows it.

You do not have to feel guilty about anything at all.
No one would like to sleep with their rapist. Because that is what he became when he raped you. Your husband deliberately crossed a boundary (to put it lightly), fully knowing what he was doing to you and with the intention to harm you. Of course your brain and body are constantly remembering this horrible pain and betrayal, and of course you aren't able to have sex with him right now. It will take a long, long, long time to heal from such a violation - a violation that happened in your bed, in a place that should have been safe, with a person who should have been safe.

I am not saying that he is a bad person, he is just behaving like a bad person at the moment. I don't want to demonize him, and I know that he is probably struggling too, but mental health issues are no excuse for abuse. He destroyed something when he raped you, and he will have to deal with the consequences, however they may look like.

Please consider distancing yourself mentally and physically from him to protect yourself and your daughter (which I know is easier said than done). Your husband is clearly not in control of himself right now, and staying with him will only enable his abusive behavior. I am not asking you to end the relationship, but to temporarily go away. But that is of course entirely up to you.

I wish you all the best and hope you will find a fitting solution ♥

 

[LuckiLee]

Sorry for the pain you're in. My heart goes out to you.

The fact that you even have to ask that question tells me it was rape. There are so many red flags in your posts. The violence is escalating. Right?

It's time to get some IRL support for yourself. Is there a DV shelter in your area? They have counselors or social workers you can talk this out with and they are a wealth of information and support.

Take care.
XO