I Live In My Car :(

[Smile]

I have a problem with staying in my car for long periods of time. I've had a car since u was able to scrape enough money together. When I lived at home I used to go away practically every weekend to a hotel with boyfriend. I couldn't handle the stress of being at home. And I loved driving... Relaxing. And hotels. The cleanliness (I force myself not to think about other people who gave stayed in that room), the feeling of vacation, no responsibility.

I moved out on my own and was able to stop that weekend thing which gut me into tons of debt.

Now that I've moved to another state and PTSD has been brought into the picture, I sit in my car for hours at a time. I have no job (can't keep one for more than a day) so I have the time. I have my own apartment but it's more than one room so I guess my car just feels safer? I can see everything from where I sit. No strange noises that petrify me into freezing in one spot.

My T suggested that he wonders whether I dissociate while in my car and told me to try and be conscious of that. But I just don't know. I'm still so fuzzy about dissociation and whether I actually have it or not. Within the past 2 weeks I mentioned that since I can remember I've been able to block out noise (without using hands) and force myself to not see something even if I'm looking straight at it and that MAY be dissociation but I'm not sure.

Anyone have anything remotely close to this? Any suggestions as to how I can figure out if I am dissociating in my car? And why???

Hope ur all doing well :)

 

[Hashi]

I think the most important thing is to work on grounding skills and strategies to feel safer in your apartment. Has your therapist talked with you about this and given you any exercises to do?

If you try a grounding technique that involves touch, like feeling your feet in contact with the floor, but you struggle to experience anything or feel like you're not really there, then you may well be dissociating. Similarly for other grounding techniques involving the senses.

From what you say about sitting in your car for hours it sounds like you don't have a lot of interaction or activities during the day - is that right? If so, it might be hard to realise you're dissociating because so much of your time will be spent inside your own head anyway - not that there's anything wrong with that, I'm only saying that because you need some sort of benchmark if you're going to be able to judge your level of connectedness.

Learning to ground, stay present, self-soothe and feel safer are going to be really important whether you're dissociating or not. And working on things like that could give you a benchmark of feeling/being present that might help you assess your current state.

 

[Smile]

Has your therapist talked with you about this and given you any exercises to do?

Not really. Vaguely once. Told me to focus on 5 sense. Which is why I'm currently seeking a T who actually specializes in trauma :)

If you try a grounding technique that involves touch, like feeling your feet in contact with the floor, but you struggle to experience anything or feel like you're not really there, then you may well be dissociating. Similarly for other grounding techniques involving the senses.

See, now that's somethjng I never knew. I always struggle to feel.

From what you say about sitting in your car for hours it sounds like you don't have a lot of interaction or activities during the day - is that right? If so, it might be hard to realise you're dissociating because so much of your time will be spent inside your own head anyway - not that there's anything wrong with that, I'm only saying that because you need some sort of benchmark if you're going to be able to judge your level of connectedness.

Yeh, one of the things I'm struggling with. I try so hard, make plans to visit and than just cancel.

Learning to ground, stay present, self-soothe and feel safer are going to be really important whether you're dissociating or not. And working on things like that could give you a benchmark of feeling/being present that might help you assess your current state.

Yes, words my T rarely ever uses. I definitely need to find someone else. I don't have tools. Definitely don't feel safe. The only thing on my toolbox is Xanax :)
thanks @Hashi !

 

[Hashi]

Oh, I just posted a poll about whether people are seeing a trauma specialist or not.

It sounds like a good idea to find a therapist who can help you with grounding and other skills. Maybe that could be one of the things you ask potential therapists about? Good luck with your search.

Since you've said you're looking for someone else, I have to say I thought it a bit odd that your therapist was wondering whether you dissociate in your car. If your car is somewhere you feel safer, you're less likely to be dissociating there. Anyway, if you find a good trauma therapist they should be able to help you understand dissociation better and look at if/when you do it.

I try so hard, make plans to visit and than just cancel.

Give yourself time. Having PTSD is hard. Hopefully you can focus on therapy for a while then things will get better as you learn how to manage symptoms and as you progress with recovery.

 

[shandemonium]

I might be way off the mark here, but it sounds like the place you feel safe and remember the good times.

I can relate a little, although not going through exactly the same thing. That pic of the van in my profile is a camper conversion project that I am obsessed with because it represents the ability to leave the f*cking ghetto (which is been making me borderline agoraphobic) and the symbol of an economic "safety net" because I was a homeless kid and faced it once as an adult too. I call my van "down by the river" lol

Vans and campers represent safety for me too (not so much cars since crackheads can see me in them). Small spaces that I see all of at once and the freedom to leave at any moment! Can a house do that? Hell no. So I get the car safety thing, I really do.

Maybe that's not what you're feeling so forgive if I totally missed the point.

Maybe try driving to beautiful places that feel safe outside the car and just start by rolling all windows down, then one day take another step like opening a door while you chill in there (still staying in car). Baby steps (like Bill Murray in What About Bob? lol)-just a funny image, no disrespect intended.

I would think you would know when you dissociate better than your T. Forgive yourself! Maybe a camper would be a next step instead of an apt if it made you feel safer. Free rent and the freedom to travel are nice perks too.

I wish you well and once again please forgive if I missed the whole damn point of your post

 

[Smile]

@shandemonium , that's exactly it! The safety of being able to leave whenever. Not being stuck somewhere and depending on others. So yeh, you got it :)

Although I personally would not buy a camper bc fir me it doesn't come from a healthy place and I really can't get proper sleep in a car :/

 

[Smile]

Oh, I just posted a poll about whether people are seeing a trauma specialist or not.

@Hashi , great minds think alike... But it's the doers that actually get things done... :)

 

[Smile]

@Hashi or anyone else: I found a trauma specialist who I'll be calling today. Can u think of any questions I can ask her?

 

[Hashi]

Hi Smile,

I'm afraid I've no idea of the time difference so I don't know whether you'll have had your phone call yet.

I knew I'd responded about this in a post a while ago so I searched for it and found this thread:
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/facing-theraphy-and-finding-a-therapist.36083/#post-583350
My views are in post #8 but you may find others' views more helpful!

Or you could start your own thread in the Therapy section, asking what you've asked here. You'd probably get more replies that way since your question has evolved away from the original title here.

I hope the call went/is going/will go well. (Sorry! Seriously challenged at working out forum times.)

 

[Smile]

Thanks @Hashi! I did my whole avoidance thing and pushed it out of my mind till now so your response is definitely not late! No matter what time zone :)

 

[shimmerz]

Sorry, I picked this thread up late. Somehow I missed it. My car is my ONLY safe place for just the same reasons I think as you have @Smile. When I turned 17 my boyfriend arranged for me to buy a car. I could leave! It gave me my independence! I could run! That wasn't always a good thing practically but the theory was sound.

When I was in real trouble a few years ago I worked with a hotline that had a history with me. Every time I called them they asked me where my 'safe place' was. I couldn't think i tthrough while I was triggering so they reminded me that it was my car. They would tell me to go out and sit in my car (not drive it). My breathing would instantly begin to regulate. It was incredible.

I take long, long road trips and there is nothing like the freedom of being able to go where I want to when I want to. My girlfriend (who also has PTSD) lost her car for a few weeks and scratched at herself as if she had hives. I have known her for 20+ years and have never seen her react that way. Once she got it back she settled right down.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I find myself in a similar yet vastly different experience. I have a very nice bed in my bedroom and I have been sleeping on the couch because the tv is on and I love the white noise as I sleep. It keeps the nightmares away.

Your car is your safe place. I understand this and I am so glad you have that at least.

I am so glad you called for help. It is amazing what we can do without other options. I wish you could write your thoughts down when you are sitting in your car instead of zoning out completely.