I Look Like A Victim Of Abuse

[Kehiju]

As a child I had food withdrawn as a punishment, and often went without meals as a punishment, and yes as a victim of abuse I learnt some very unhealthy methods of supressing my emotions which resulted in me becoming obese as an adult in my later years.

While it is much harder for me to lose weight now due to health issues, I have changed my relationship with food, it no longer is a tool I use to hurt myself instead as I have started to really heal it is a tool I use to heal myself by taking pleasure in preparing healthy and nourishing things, which combined with exercise is helping to change the person I am, and the relationship I have with my self. Losing weight is not my focus, caring for myself is, that way I am not creating a new obsession.

When I learned to accept my abuse was over, I chose to work very hard on learning to accept my emotions, to not fear them anymore and learnt to not need to stuff them down with foods. I won't say it has been an easy process, but it hasn't been without it's rewards.

I believe when we stay in the victim mentality it doesn't help us to heal, nor does it help to mind read what others are thinking, and presume that everyone knows what you have been through just by looking at you. It just not true.

It was only when I started to have self compassion for myself, that I learnt how I really self abused myself, and had been hating myself as a form of self protection, so I didn't have to admit my abusers really hurt me, and still were because then I would have to sit and feel all those scarey emotions that come from being really hurt but not prepared to feel that way, because I beieved I would fall apart if I let myself feel what I actually felt. That also was a false belief I had carried around for so long.

While I have compassion for how you feel about yourself, please know that you can change this, it is your choice and when you change your relationship with yourself then you will find a healthy way to deal with your emotions and pain. If you are not already seeing a therapist please consider it, as you deserve to heal and to not feel that way about yourself.

You don't have to go on a diet to lose weight, it is enough to chose healthy options, have healthy portions sizes and exercise. My belief from having been on so many diets and having gained more everytime that what I lost in the first place, is that diets don't work, healthy eating does,and lifestyle changes and that doesn't mean starving and punishing yourself. If diets really worked then why do so many people fail and try yet another diet. What would happen if people actually dealt with the eating issue, and stopped focusing on the food but rather on what we are trying to avoid, which is our emotions, and perhaps looking at is actually going on in our lives right now.

You are not helpless, and it is not hopeless, you just need help to recognise what you are doing, so you can change it. Don't give up on yourself your life depends on it, you don't need to cut years off your life, this is your choice. You are clearly miserable, and it doesn't have to be that way, would it not be kinder to yourself to find a way to change.

 

[Sobij]

Thanks guys. I think underneath it all, I just want to be perfect. I think even if I lost all of the weight today I'd still find something to hate about myself. I recognise the need to accept myself warts and all, but I feel like there is something wrong with me and it needs to be fixed and the more I try and fail the more I hate myself and the more I eat. I can't accept that the abuse is over, because in my mind it is very much present and it effects every aspect of my life. I've started reading a book called 'eating less' which talks about striving for healthy eating, over weight loss and it has really changed my perspective and highlighted to me some of the things you mentioned Kehiju. I'm taking things slowly. Thank you everyone :)

 

[Ogow]

Glad to hear that. Keep being kind to yourself.

 

[Izudom]

I just want the world to think I'm alright, even if I'm not.

World is full of assholes. I've been model thin and gorgeous, and I've been over 300lbs. It really doesn't make a lick of difference in the number of jerks one has to deal with. Forget the assholes. They're always around, and they all stink.aint nothing you can do to change that.

What changes are the good people in your life. And they don't give a damn about weight. They care about who you are, who your project yourself to be, and how you treat them. That's what you have the power to change. Not the jerks in your life, but the good ones. Who you choose to love on, and show respect, and pay heed to.

 

[Ezuku]

Hello Ahe,

Thank you for your post. I recognise a lot of your issues, especially the feelings of disgust. The shame and the sense that your deepest and darkest pain is written all over your body, for the entire world to see... That indeed can make life and people seem absolutely terrifying.

I've been struggling with Binge Eating Disorder pretty much all my life. I've managed to stabilise my weight. I'm not morbidly obese anymore, but I'm still overweight. I still get binging episodes. For me, it's a long and hard recovery. I feel for you, because I know how mean people can be. The dirty looks, the whispering, the always-stand-at-arm-length-away-from-me... This obvious discomfort you mentioned when people talk to you. When you're really just walking down the street, minding your own business... I still remember all of that like it was yesterday.

Now I don't get these type of reactions anymore. I guess I'm at an 'acceptable' weight now... Hey, you know what, I'm still the same person. so are you and so you will be; as I am sure you have the strength to get out of your situation. I just want to let you know that the number on your scale doesn't determine the contents of your heart.

As for me, the feelings of guilt and shame are still alive and kicking. Often times, I still feel disgusted with myself. No matter what, I'll find a reason to beat myself up. This is hard for me, because I feel like I've already fought so hard against this eating disorder. I kinda hoped I'd be off the hook by now...

But when I look at the framework of things, I really think I made a lot of progress. Though still plagued by these emotions, they're getting much closer to the traumatic events that caused my problems with food in the first place. I try to remind myself of this when I feel like I'm once again lost in desperation.

What I hope for you, is that your recovery will be more swiftly than mine. That you feel in my words, that I see you as a human being, worthy of love, regardless of your weight. This is still, I believe, the true recovery.

What I hope for myself... Well, that's a little harder for me to say. If shame were to be a person, I'd like to kick its butt! To tell it to get out of my life! That i've worked too long and too hard to be defeated by a voice inside my own head. (Even though I know this voice was caused by a particular person/people in my life.)

I guess I'm trying to say, I hope to see the silver lining some day. 'The light at the end of the tunnel', as they say, but in this lifetime! Not some far away promise land... You know what I mean? There has to be a point; a sense to all this hurt and chaos.

Anyway, I'm really getting off topic now. This is turning into a 'Filosophy 101' thing... :-)

I thought you were really brave, writing all of that down. It meant a lot to me!

 

[Eweli]

Thank you. Your words really touched me :)

 

[Cehik]

Forget about the people who are souly judging you because you are obese. Let's talk about the people who are educated enough to know that obesity is more often than not a symptom of prior traumatizing abuse. If they are educated about that, why would they judge you? They probably feel compassion for you. You are probably blurring together the people who judge obese people simply because your obese and people who know you might have been abused. Don't blur them together. Keep them WAY separate because they are different. I know it sucks. I was skinny for the first 30 years of my life and in the last five, I became obese due to medication for my bipolar. I gained 120 pounds in one year. I too feel like people can see right through me. However, you can say the same about skinny people who behave in other ways. For instance, if you see a skinny pretty girl who sleeps around, the same people can easily assume that she was abused. Or the skinny single or unwed mother who has a child or children, she was most likely abused. There are so many different behaviors and looks that people have that point towards abuse, not just obesity. Far from it. Most of the people that I know that have been abused are all skinny. Please trust that educated people know all of this. Who cares if they can tell you been abused , that's what I tell myself. It doesn't change my life any. I stopped caring what people think a long time ago. Don't consume yourself with it.

 

[Unabuf]

I'm obese, but it started out different.
I was a chubby kid, went to jr.high and lost the weight. Went to high school and by junior year I was so depressed that I thought of being in a social experiment of my own called, "how would I look like if I became obese?". Photoshopping myself didn't cut it, I needed to know if my body type can handle it.

Sure enough, 100 pounds later I became obese with a BMI of 51%. The most weirdly depressing thing? I don't look a pound past 190... my body type is the same as it was at 190 just slightly thicker. I don't look different, my pants size is bigger, but I still have an hour glass shape, my rolls of fat isn't that big of a deal, etc.

So imagine the embarrassment of people making fun of the morbidly obese and obese, and I go that I'm one too, and they are like, "You're not that fat, you're chubby"......oh the shame I feel when I can't even tell them that I'm 265 pounds....

 

[Unufa]

FWIW, losing weight is a pain.
My social experiment ended about five years ago. I got what I wanted, I just completely forgot that the more heavy set you are, the more lazier you get.

Now I'm too lazy to exercise :cry:

 

[Pupod]

OP

I'm not necessarily more lazy, I'm just so heavy now that it's hard. I know it all starts with diet anyway. I need to learn to stop overeating when I'm feeling triggered. It is my downfall. I need to find a healthier way to respond to my emotions.

I've banned myself from buying junk food and even though I slipped up the other day I'm doing well. I am also thinking of joining a group like slimming world, or something, so that I can have a bit of group support.

As a child I was very slim. I started gaining weight after I was raped at 8. I know it sounds terrible and I know that the torment may be the same as struggling with self-image/food issues as an obese person, but I wish I'd gone the other way and restricted. At least then people would have probably flagged that something was wrong and helped me. Instead I just became a chubby child who liked her food.

I finished reading my Eating Less book and it was full of helpful advice, but it just feels so hard to stick with things when I get triggered. It's almost embarrassing being so pathetic.

 

[Zajoki]

@OP... A suggestion... You have 2 issues: eating & weight, that you're tying into one issue. Sever them. One way to lose weight is diet. The other is exercise. Which also happens to be phenom for managing PTSD.

Guess what the best exercises are for weight loss? Walking & ratiocination. Ratiocination is literally the act of not being a puddle. It's the calories expended in a day not spent lying down. Sit up straight. Don't lean in the back of a chair. Just to start. You'll be amazed at how tired your abs and back get. Don't lean on walls, lay down, keep your shoulders back. Not only great for upping (exponentially) the calories expended in a day, but also good for overall health. It's something you do 18 hours a day, not 20 minutes a day. It's a lifestyle change. Ratiocination accounts for roughly 80% of average calorie expenditure (I can't remember if that's before or after the energy spent digesting). ((It's also why we turn into limp noodles when we're sick. Our immune system yanks all energy from our muscles & digestive systems to power itself.)) after about 4 weeks of sitting up straight. You won't even notice anymore. We're built to do it. Once the muscles build? It takes no apparent effort (no pain, no sweat), but it will still burn as many kcals as when you started. How's that for an EasyButton :) ?

As for walking? Start slow. Park in the farthest parking spot instead of the closest. Walk around the block before meals, after meals, because it's 3pm (aka whenever). Work your way up to 5miles a day. Once you get to 5 miles a day? Most people lose about 50lbs per year. It's not instant-sexy weight loss. It's slooooooooooooooow weight loss. Which means it stays off. And it's not even. You'll lose weight, then plateau. Lose more weight, then plateau. You *want* the plateaus! Don't add more exercise to keep losing. Your body is essentially resetting "normal". Once it finishes that? Weight starts melting off again. Push through it? Then the next time you start gaining (and everyone does; holidays, injuries, crap weather, whatever) you won't stop until you go to the last place you plateaued at. Plateau, and there's a natural "stop". So you might gain 10lbs, instead of 30-50.

Work on your eating, but there's enough pressure there without pinning your weight loss on it, too. An athlete? Can easily be packing on 6,000-24,000 kcal a day. And be whipcord thin (you need the foods to burn). Work yourself up to 5miles a day, then up to athlete levels & never have to mind what you eat, -as far as weight loss is concerned- again. Except for making sure you're eating enough.

Just a suggestion.

 

[Ine]

Hi Zajoki! I know that exercise is a thing I really need to get more of and it's lovely and sunny here so I have no excuse. I've just downloaded a walking app which tracks your distance and am going to start going on daily walks from tomorrow. I think sometimes slow and steady wins the race.