I Love And Hate My Therapist

[Reds]

Sometimes I like my T so much that I wish she could sit next to during sessions or that she could hug me and tell me I am beautiful or that she loves me. Other times I hate her so much that I don't even want to see or talk to her. Once I went to see her and when I got there I couldn't get myself to say a word to her so I ended up writing her a letter.

Other times I am so afraid of her like she would harm me or something, and she has never done anything to make me feel this way. I think she is the best psychologist ever.

I have an appointment with her on Monday and today she checked on me and told me to have a great weekend. I think on Monday I will be loving her.

Does anyone experience these mixed feelings towards their therapists?

 

[Rumors]

I am not sure I can identify with all of what you have written, however I mainly just appreciate there is someone who will listen. My relationship with him does not illicit a specific emotion or need, but I see how I can feel an attachment to his companionship and understanding.

I think it is very cool she checked on you and told you to have a great weekend. I can see why you would look forward to seeing her Monday. That is very cool!

 

[arfie]

I relate. It fits best in my head when I call it, "Transference."

It was emotional issues which carried me into therapy. I do pretty well with the logical issues of Life, but...'so much of life is simply not logical. Such as emotion. Including my own emotions. (denial forces assembling) Especially my own emotions? My therapists have had to help me sort through every emotion in the books. Somehow the transference makes them more comprehensible. Kinda useful when I remain aware that I am doing it. Call it, "practice."

 

[Reds]

Thanks Arfie, do you ever find that the emotions to your T are so intense? Like sort of overcoming you. I have great fantasies of her being my mom and holding me in her arms. Once I asked her for a hug, until today that hug keeps me going in between sessions or when I am going through a difficult day/week. Is it normal and healthy?

 

[arfie]

I don't currently have a therapist, but I felt this transference with every therapist I progressed with. Nada for the therapists that were just collecting paychecks. The transference ran the full gambit of the emotional issues we dealt with. Parental to lover to raging maniac... You name it.

I brought it up with each of them and it became something of an indicator for us. All seemed to hold it as normal. Healthy is trickier. It can go ugly places, but with competent handling on their part and honesty on my part, I feel like it went good places for me. It was deeply connected to the issues I was in therapy for in the first place.

 

[fly away home]

Oh I completely understand and I feel these same things. Some days I want her to wrap me up, take me away and make me feel safe. Kiss me and hug me. I believe I want this because my mother never did any thing like this for me. Other days I am petrified of her and what she will judge me for, what she will test me on, what she will accuse me of or what she will hate me for. Then there are days when, like you, I just don't want to see her. I find her banal and superficial. This is not really her just me feeling defensive (I say this because at the moment I am absolutely in love with her and dream of leaving my partner for her...yikes!)

Interestingly when i had a male therapist who was inappropriate to say the least and wanted to have a relationship with me I felt nothing, I had no need to see him, no desire, no feelings other than 'please don't touch me'. I am female and heterosexual so this deep passionate love I feel for my current female therapist and desire to form a possibly sexual relationship with her is slightly unusual. But most things in my life are, so I wont put too much energy into worrying about that one.

If only my T would check in on me, but I assume she knows how needy I am and holds her distance. She once said 'you need a hug' but I was too scared to respond. It sounds like you have a lovely person in your T, she cares.

I brought it up with each of them and it became something of an indicator for us.

Arfie, I think you are incredibly brave for bringing these feelings up with your Ts in the past. Perhaps when I feel more comfortable with mine I will be able to broach the 'neediness' subject.

 

[Abstract]

Reds, the way I look at it is that whenever the emotions are disproportionally intense then it is usually transference like arfie said. Basically it isn't about them and is about other people in our pasts. In that way it is OK to speak about all of this with the T as it tells her about your past and what is happening for you. Almost everything we bring into therapy is about us and not the T.

A good T won't get caught up in what you are feeling in the way your ex t did and will rather hold a safe place for you to work through these things.

I find it near impossible speaking about difficult subjects with a T but on a theoretical level I know what is the right approach! :speechless:

 

[Reds]

Thank you all, I will try my best to talk about it with her on Monday. Hopefully she will not abandon or hate me. I hope. This will not stop her from checking on me. I wouldn't want to lose the relationship I have with her.