Relationship I need encouragement

[Sasanoel]

This is my first post and I've felt support by just reading what others say on here. I need some help today. My husband and I have a good marriage I think, but PTSD is this demon that comes in to destroy. He had so many different traumas that when he is feeling sensitive, it is as if literally anything can trigger him. He dissociates pretty regularly, but that has been helped by EMDR. Prior to a couple of weeks ago he had got dissociating down to about once a week or less. A few weeks ago he had a health scare and since then, he is back to dissociating or being testy and angry most nights of the week. He is usually fine in the mornings, but by the end of the day he's just done. I haven't felt like I have been able to just be with the "real him" for over 2 weeks. Most nights is an argument and I feel held captive by his anger. I feel trapped because if I say something positive or negative or neutral, it will be twisted and made to be about him. He is controlling in the conversation and can't consider any other perspective other than his own. I get angry too or shut down. He gets mad that if I shut down and he won't leave me alone to relax. I don't know what to do because it's just getting worse. He has not been to therapy in over a month because of our schedule. I have to be selective about bringing it up to remind him to schedule because he thinks I'm deflecting from my own fault in our arguments. I know I'm at fault sometimes for the way I talk to him. I know I'm burnt out and resentful sometimes, but I also know that these issues would not be nearly as sensitive and explosive if his PTSD was not constantly flared up. I don't know what to do. I'm just tired and I know I can't think straight. We have small kids and he stays home with them during the day. It has worked well for us and he is an exceptional dad, but I've noticed that even during the day he had become more testy and short. Please help. I just need some encouragement.

 

[Deadman]

Are you getting help at all? Its hard to help someone else when you are struggling yourself.

Your husband really should get back on track with his therapy.

Have you read the PTSD cup article here? Perhaps there are outside stresses that you both can address to make more room in that cup.

 

[Muted]

I can relate to what you're going through. We go through that sometimes too. I think it's really important that he's in therapy regularly, because otherwise he's probably bottling stuff up. I hope your in therapy, because that can help you to not shut down when he gets like that. Being the only provider is a lot of pressure on you also. You can get through this, it takes time and therapy and a lot of communication.

I also think if he's home with little kids all day long, that is about the hardest job there is. It takes a lot of patience and doesn't always feel very fulfilling. But it's worth the time and sacrifice to invest in your kids.

Hang in there.

 

[Sasanoel]

Thank you. I just read the PTSD Cup and it was helpful. We have tried to cut out some stressors and others (like nosey family) are unavoidable.
I am not in therapy but I try to do some things to grow myself and/or keep myself sane. Our faith is important to us and a source of strength, but it's difficult, even in our faith community to find people who might be understanding of PTSD.
Gia1019 thanks for the understanding about being a stay at home parent. I know it's a tough job that even I take for granted some times and my husband does it so well.

I dont want to be resentful and I feel like I have very limited therapy options being that i am personally connected with most of the therapists in town. That could also be an excuse. I guess need to look into it.

 

[Muted]

Our faith is important to us and a source of strength, but it's difficult, even in our faith community to find people who might be understanding of PTSD.

I agree. I think PTSD is isolating in general, but I also think the faith community in general tends to have a 'give it to God' viewpoint. Not that I don't believe in miracles, but would you tell someone with a broken leg to just 'give it to God'? No!

That counseling situation can make it hard. Might be something to pray about. Is there another town nearby you could get counseling? I think it is most helpful to heal together.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I have PTSD, under control now, but I find I need downtime in the afternoon. I go in my room and read for an hour or three, color, nap, or look at pinterest. It doesn't matter what I do, as long as I get the downtime. It is part of my management plan. Perhaps your husband could find a pleasant activity to get some downtime in the afternoon, before he gets overwhelmed. Not saying it will work, just a suggestion.

 

[Sasanoel]

@Gia1019 I agree about healing together and I've seen some of that already in our relationship. We live in a semi-rural area so there's not as much counseling selection, but I know I haven't given it a fair look. I honestly don't want to go because I'm a licensed therapist myself (not currently counseling) and I have ridiculous standards, not to mention trust issues of my own. :rolleyes:
I chuckled when I read the "giving it to God" thing because you're right, some people use that as an excuse to dismiss and ignore suffering because it makes them uncomfortable. I personally believe God just wants us to invite him closer in the midst of the struggle which I'm trying to do each day (sometimes successfully, some times not).

@DharmaGirl Thank you for the advice for downtime. I'm glad that's working well for you and I will mention it to my husband. Do you know of any good resources about management plans that he could look at too because that sounds like a positive thing.

 

[Muted]

I personally believe God just wants us to invite him closer in the midst of the struggle which I'm trying to do each day (sometimes successfully, some times not).

I hear you and agree!

I honestly don't want to go because I'm a licensed therapist myself (not currently counseling) and I have ridiculous standards, not to mention trust issues of my own. :rolleyes:

I can understand that. There's nothing wrong with having high standards. After counseling with my current t, I don't think anyone could measure up. After the last experience I'd previously had, I wasn't ever going to go to counseling again EVER! God places the right people in the right place at the right time. I completely trust her.

 

[Sasanoel]

Thank you for the hopeful encouragement!

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Hi there! I'm sorry you are going through this. My husband can be the same way from time to time. If he's not angry and ridiculous, he's drinking and ridiculous.
I've been working on my communication skills and respecting his space when he's angry. These are two really hard things. I try to always speak objectively about my thoughts and feelings because he quickly takes things to blame. Sometimes we text each other because it's a way to write things down to talk instead of getting into arguments.
The "giving space" is the hardest for me. He and I both have problems with abandonment. So I give him space but I also don't leave the house.
It sounds like he is very overwhelmed with circumstances. Perhaps he is avoiding therapy right now on purpose because he's not sure which issues he needs to prioritize? (kids, PTSD, his health scare) Just a thought.
Make sure you take some time for your own self-love while he's going through this. A church community can be an asset or a hindrance. But spending time in earnest prayer does help in its own way. And find ways to keep your cool. If you are overwhelmed and need some space too, you can kindly tell him and don't rise to his anger.
I really hope you can work your way through this. Good luck!