I Need Help Explaining My Needs For Sensetivity Of My Triggers To A Friend

[lukesa]

Hello, I'm currently having an inner debate with myself and would like some help or insight because the noise upstairs between my ears is starting to get a little loud. I'm also on a phone typing this as my internet is out so please forgive any typos etc.

I'm am afghanistan war v t and just recently began my civilian life after being honorably discharged andear thereafter in a psycheatric hospital for issues related to severe ptsd/mdd

I'm 22 and have an impossible time relating to people my age, all of whom I know are not vets. I'm not interested in support groups, I've had an overdose of mileu based therapy, ha.

Anyway I have one friend I hang out with whos overall a caring guy who just gave up his dream of being a marine. We hang out every day, and I don't mind that but the more comfortable he gets with me the more things he begins to say that make me want to put a foot up his rear end.

 

[lukesa]

I'm sorry I meant to say I spent the year after that in a psyche hospital. This keyboard is maddening.

Anyway, how do I explain to him without going into detail that I need him to be aware of the fact that I have severe mental health issues that he needs to be consciously sensitive of if he's going to be around me, without sounding like a total dingbat?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't want to pry, but could you give an example of the things he does & says that are an issue? If you rather not say, I'd understand.

 

[lukesa]

Yes, sorry, its mainly guy to guy joking that touches on very triggering subjects or when he starts to talk and marvle about military related things without thinking of whats coming out of his mouth.

Ofthen i have trouble maintaining my words at times like that so choose to stay quiet until i calm down but i neex to address yhis before he affects my fragile emotional state... or i just knock the dude out, either way id like to avoid any kind of butting heada to begin with

 

[lukesa]

He doesnt get that a careless joke for the sake of a joke for him can mean days of it ringing in my head and all the symptoms that come along with that type of 'snowballing' for me once he finishes chuckling.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think I'll leave this one up to the guys as they would probably have better advice. Maybe post on the PTSD Vet site as well? I think there are a lot of vets over there who don't post over here as well. Sorry I can't be of more help!

 

[lukesa]

Its okay, I'm mainly not sure how to bring it up with as little weirdness and akwardness as possible since it will ne out of the blue. If I try to explain it when I'm triggered after him sayimg anything then shit will just go south.

And thanks I'll check that site out.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I guess it depends how complicated or subtle the triggers are. It should be easy enough for him to understand that you had a bad time in afghanistan and don't want any conversation to do with military stuff.

I was going to suggest that you don't attempt to talk while triggered, but you get that already. A conversation out of the blue can just start, "I know this is a bit out of the blue mate, but Afganistan was rough and I don't like talking about it, and can we not talk about .....", I'm not saying he'll get it straight away, in my experience people are amazingly deaf to what they don't understand, but hopefully once he knows, a quick reminder of "I don't want to talk about that" will get the message through.

Good luck.

 

[The Albatross]

I think that a candid conversation about wanting to be a Marine, and actually being a combat veteran are two distinctly different things right now. Personally though, you could chose to cultivate also some tolerance as you describe your friend as generally caring and a consistent companion in your life.

I find, myself, that I can be more willing to suffer the annoyances and shift more to the person's "well intention-ed" motives. If the motives are not well intention-ed, then have a conversation being prepared to listen for feedback and hopefully once this situation is laid on the table your friend can use a bit of restraint in his commentary.

I try to stick to the less is more theory with respect to people and try to boil things down to the lowest common denominator. The less complicated the better.

 

[Springer80]

Sounds to me like he's a bit wide eyed about your real soldier status and pretty niavely looks up to you. He probably thinks being a vet is cool like his fantasy of being a marine is/was. Having failed to make his dreams come true he probably says stuff he reckons he should based on his idea of what a tough guy your supposed to be.

Its a bit sad and immature really and he's probably really insecure about not making the grade and trying to cover it with bluff.

 

[lukesa]

Yes springer I agree. It sucks because I was there once and I know there's no way of getting someone to understand that the reality of the experience is about as opposite as can be from the recruiting ad version of things.

Its like I'm cursed to be a veteran first, person second or something, everyones defines me by my combat vet status or the fact that I'm disabled before meeting luke for the first time- its maddening

 

[Springer80]

Well I dont know what you can say to him. I know whats its like to be 22 and desperate to be ordinary and to fit in and to be able to enjoy the stupid fun stuff that you could if your world view and values hadnt been so dramatically changed.

Fact is the number of age is not a basis for friendship, experience is. I get that you dont want to be defined by being a vet but what you value as a result of how youve changed is not the same thing.

I value compassion and education and practically helping others etc.

You cant fit youself back into the person you were before this and trying to make friendships based on that hope is a lot of effort for something which.isnt all together honest.