I Need Some Advice. I Can't Believe I Did This.

[skye]

Here is what happened. I went to the city where I was raped. I had this over whelming desire to go to all the places I was raped and take pictures. So I proceeded to take pictures of all the places. Then I went on Face book and made a fake account, and added him as my only friend. He recognized all of the places of course and sent me a message. He said that he knew who I was and stated my name. He was very mad that some of the pictures where of his moms house. In fact the album cover was of his mom’s house and titled Places of the Past.

Well he said I must have something to say to him and gave me his phone number. I refused to call him. I just asked him this. What do you remember happened at these places? I want to know if what I keep seeing is what you remember. He just responded with vague things.

Then he turned everything around and said I was a slut and wouldn’t leave him alone, refering to back then. He said he liked me before but I cheated on him and stuff. First of all, I never cheat. Second of all after he raped me and took my virginity I didn’t consider this a relationship. I considered this what I had to do to stay alive. During this time I was never with anyone else. I didn’t want to be with anyone or even alive during this time.

Well after massaging back and forth awhile I found out his wife is 19 years younger than him and he states how he is so happy and how his life is going so well. Yay for him…my life has been completely messed up ever since I met him. His wife started messaging me, supposedly, and said I was full of it. I just told her that I felt very sorry for her since she has no idea who she married. After that I closed my account.

I feel so uneasy now though. I wish I would have gone on his wall and stated how he was a rapist and how he was full of shit. I wish I would have fought back. I feel like I was being so nice to him, still afraid of what he could do to me. What do I do now? I want to fight back now, but how? I found out he lives about 15 minutes away from me. I know he could find me, I found him. What do I do? I really feel I need to do something. What can I do without getting in trouble from the law myself.

I don’t want to hurt anyone but I want to fight back. Originally I was only going to go on to see some current pictures of him so I could put things in perspective that all this happened 24 years ago. Please if anyone has any ideas let me know. I don’t want to feel victimized again even though I brought this on myself.

Why do I do such stupid things?????

 

[James B.]

I don’t want to hurt anyone but I want to fight back. Why do I do such stupid things?????

I carried on decades long agenda to get even - somehow - with my abusers. I don't know any clinical words for this. It was a poison pill in me, and it needed an outlet. The poison just kept rotting, my anxiety disorder worsened, the "I hate my abusers" poison fermented into a kind of warped delusional outlook. It was hell. Wanting or needing to get even is some of the worst most insidious and soul destroying pain I've known. My answer?

There is no answer: I had to go through my trauma. It's almost universally known to be the most help for the most people. I wrote here, my diary - and went through the grief, which for me, felt like a painful re-birth. I had never fully processed the abuse, my suffering. It took me many years and many losses to finally realize it had to be done. Others do not have to incur the catastrophic losses I did.

I was molested when I was 4 and lived in war zone of serious violence all my early years. I was terrorized, injured and humiliated by my siblings. Then tortured by a parent. My family sucks, no question there. I hated them, wanted to "settle the score". Big mistake. Get healed, yes. Get even, how?

And more relevant still, to what end?

 

[just me here]

My therapist says "give up on having a better past". Unless you are worried this guy is going to affect your future, why bother with the past? I know, this is a POST traumatic disorder, our whole futures are affected by past incidents, I guess a better way to say it is don't do anything to bring this guy back into your future, do everything you can to keep him in the past. Erase your browser history, dump the images, change your email address, disappear and don't ever do anything to provoke future contact. Hope that this is still possible, hope it helps.

 

[kers]

I don't think what you did was stupid. It sounds to me like you are trying desperately to regain a sense of mastery over the trauma. You say, "I don’t want to hurt anyone but I want to fight back." What you want is natural, and in fact it's a part of the healing process.

The thing is, as you found out, you can't get from him the response that you really want and need. He can't give that to you, not now. What you can do is find other ways to take control over the trauma's impact on your life. In therapy, this often means talking through and expressing all the feelings you have buried--anger, fear, sadness, grief. It also often means finding ways to take control of your life right now, as it is. I have found that small situations in which I feel out of control or powerless set off the HUGE feelings that started with the trauma. So by learning to stand up and defend myself now in those small situations, I'm regaining some of what the trauma stole from me.

You can feel better. It can happen.

 

[skye]

Thanks for the feedback I appreciate it. I went back online and sent three more messages to him. One was saying that I couldn't believe he thinks that someone would make a false police report and lie about something like this. Two was saying that he sure must think a lot of himself. Three, I gave some detail about one of the incidents and asked...You don't remember any of this? Well he flipped out and told me off and called me names and said if he found me around his wife or house he would make my life not fun to live. That made me laugh, like my life is fun to live after what he has already done. He said to leave him alone or i will go to jail. I didn't do anything. I have decided to not message him anymore, just in case he wants to start something. I kinda feel like he is afraid of me....not sure why. Maybe his wife doesn't know the whole story. I am not sure.

Unfortunately I have been feeling fearful of him coming to my house to hurt me though. All in all I don't think me doing this has helped me. :(

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Skye-

Maybe I should not say this but...

I think you are really brave. I think that's a amazing thing you did. I wish I could.

Fantasy land aside, I also I'm glad you stopped.

A

 

[Sethe]

One of the crazy people I've met in my life told me this:

'Revenge is the poison I take in hopes of hurting my enemies.'

 

[greentea21]

That was a very brave thing you did. That takes a lot of courage to do.

I understand the kind of anger your feeling. The feeling that just burns so bad inside, you can't put it out until you see the perpetrator suffer. The more you think about it, the bigger the fire gets. No matter how much another person tries to convince you it's not worth it, it just keep burning uncontrollably. I sought help from my dad and asked him "how do you control anger?". He lectured me about fate and kharma. A person ends up accordingly to the way of life he leads. He tells me he shrugs off his anger and instead replaces it with pity for the perpetrator. I don't understand this. I want to do something to the person myself. I want to play god and make sure he gets what he is fated to. I was still burning with hatred. I still am when I think about it and that he's gotten away unpunished. However the only thing keeping me in check is TRUST. I'll trust my dad's advice and leave it to fate to punish him.

I hope you'll be able to weather through this, and hope you find the best route to pave your future.

 

[Tiger Kitten]

I used to fantasize about revenge. I wasted a lot of time I could have spent working on healing myself. The person I wanted revenge against... died a really nasty lingering un-pretty death. Without me having a thing to do with it.

It didn't change anything for me. I still have to work on healing myself. I just wasted time.

 

[cusco01810]

I used to fantasize about revenge. I wasted a lot of time I could have spent working on healing myself. The person I wanted revenge against... died a really nasty lingering un-pretty death. Without me having a thing to do with it.

It didn't change anything for me. I still have to work on healing myself. I just wasted time.

Revenge is a waste of time and will get you in trouble. The best way is to follow the law if its not to late. We can' erase our past but we can learn and grow from it. Good Luck

 

[Lightseeker]

The best revenge is to heal yourself and not just live, but thrive. Take comfort that God knows what you endured and He will deal out His judgment when the time is right for Him.

 

[skye]

Thank you for all of your responses it really helps a lot. It's always good to hear other perspectives.