I Need Some Advice. I Can't Believe I Did This.

[Deleted member 1860]

I know that many of us want our perpetrators to "pay" for what they've done. That we need to find some sense of justice. However, it is important to realize that most of us will never know true "justice". A year and a half ago I was at the point where I knew I wanted to report my abuser. I KNEW that nothing would come of it, and I was right. I also knew that I LEGALLY did everything that I could. I literally had to choose to move on, knowing that it was time to focus on myself and my own healing. I don't mean to imply that it is just that easy... But I do think you need to get to a place inside where you know you've done all that you can do to bring this person to justice, and find a way to let it go. Take all that energy you spend thinking about him and use it on yourself. After all, he doesn't deserve another second of yor time or another ounce of your energy.

 

[Heather]

skye - my brother-in-law sexually assaulted me and I knew I had to confront him or I'd never be able to live with myself. my sister was in Disney with her kids. My daughter had fallen asleep in the car and I left all the windows rolled down and just opened their door and barged in and confronted him.

At first he denied it and then he said, "oh that? I already forgot about that. and a bunch of other things. He was a total asshole to me. But I got him to wipe that smirk off his face when I told him that if he ever did something like that again I would tell my sister. He stopped smiling then! What an asshole! Eventually I did goto the police.

I think what you did was very brave. I think you did scare and you reclaimed your power. why else would he call you a bunch of names? He is scared of you because he knows that what you're saying is the truth. and he's afraid you'll tell his wife. You've shaken him up. good for you! be proud of yourself. It's about reclaiming your power. That's what healing is all about. I hope this helps. take care of yourself. stay strong and safe. Heather

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((((skye))))))))))

I did something very similar but...am not ready to speak about it yet.

But I know. It's not stupid. It's our brain's attempt to heal. Just...we didn't know it wouldn't work. That doesn't make the action stupid. Courageous, dangerous...self-destructive if it continues. But NOT stupid.

 

[Seneca]

Yeah, I actually think that's incredible that you did that. Probably a terrible idea, but hard for me to criticize. I mean, it's not the worst way to handle your problems.

 

[Girl3]

Why do I do such stupid things?????[/quote]

Mastery, regaining a sense of control, getting power over your attacker, wanting an apology and vindication: these are all reasons to do what you did. Unfortunately, these things don't give you control or power but revictimize you. Also, you will never get an apology and nothing undoes the past. Instead, getting real help with a real therapist - even if all she can do is support you at first - is crucial. Working on successes - again real things like getting in shape, eating right, getting off alcohol, drugs, and disastrous sexual relationships - these things help you heal. Understanding that while the world has dangerous spots, you don't have to go back to them unless you want to - you can surround yourself with safe people who love you as a person and not an object. But the life-changing work starts inside you.

 

[kimba]

I have alot of guilt and shame for minimizing the abuse when I finally told because he had threatened to hurt my parents. I was 7 or 8 and didn't tell until we moved away. At first they didn't believe me. Looking back, because I made such a big deal over not going to the police and I didn't tell them how far the sexual abuse from my babysitting neighbor had gone, I felt I had no right to be angry at him for what he did.

I told my parents I would deny everything if they told them. I was so scared and confused, and took the power from my parents to even help me through it! I screwed up and you have courage facing him. I wish I could face the man who abused me, I've thought about it. Until I can work it through, I just can't.

Sorry, I think this rambles a little.

 

[Girl3]

OK. I have thought long and hard about what you said. Your parents didn't know what you could tolerate and so they put on the brakes when you indicated that you needed isolation from the event. Rejoice in the fact that your parents heard you and listened. Was it wrong - who knows - we have to do what we think is right.

My psychiatrist calls it pseudoactivity when a perpetrator offers a BS apology. People who have it in them to do something terrible to someone else do not have it in them to be truly apologetic. They are reptiles more or less. I hope you are well.

 

[skye]

Thanks for everyone's replies I really do appreciate it. It's nice to get other peoples point of view. I need all the help I can get...

skye

 

[olaja]

Hi skye - How have you been doing? I just read your thread tonight, and I am right there with you. I was raped, and I understand why you took the action you did. And, dammit, I wish he was in jail, the liar. Nothing happened to the person who raped me, either. He is living a very normal, married life with children. Doesn't seem very fair. The only thing I have come up with is the idea that I will go to the walk-against-rape in my city. I have been trying to drum up the courage to go for 4 years now, and someday I will be well enough to. Also, I will somehow have a positive effect in the prevention of violence in humanity in my later years. I hope you can find some way to give positive meaning to what happened to you, too.
Peace.

 

[Nemone]

Well, I don't know what it's like to be raped but for a while when I was at one of the places I had to go in the Marines the people in charge of me bullied me basically because I was a girl. One of them even used to brag about going out with girls and forcing himself on them. There was another guy that my husband and I stopped hanging out with because he talked about how he had forced a couple of girls to get abortions and there were some other really rotten things that happened with the guys there, some who I thought were my friends. I really really hate those guys but especially the one that bullied me because I always felt that he had an enmity towards me personally for no reason. Some others I can somehow excuse for their behavior because I think of it as them simply being immature and making mistakes and also because some of them apologized later or their attitude changed after they got out of that unhealthy environment.

I think that the reason I can't forgive him is because he was the most scary of them and the only one that I felt like I didn't know what he might do. He seemed like the type of guy that could knife a person in the dark if you know what I mean? But when I think about it now, that was my judgment based on not just his appearance, attitude, and personality but also based in my own fear of his actions which were more verbal than physical (except harassing me during pt to make me exhaust and almost injure myself). For all I know it could have been a bluff and he's actually a guy who hides his easily injured feelings behind a tough facade even though he has a mother-complex and a small ******. (I made that up but I think I'm gonna imagine him like that from now on because it makes me giggle.) I think the reason I can't forgive him is because I've never been able to picture him in a way that doesn't make him feel scary. If I actually think of him as pathetic I think it's easier to forget about him. I'm not happy that he's living his life and seems to be doing okay but if I imagine that he was probably pathetic and miserable from the start and that it's the reason he acted that way, I can somehow move on from it a bit.

I bet the guy that raped you l is a miserable, pathetic guy whose only source of confidence was that he had the physical strength to force himself on and threaten someone smaller than him. It probably made him feel manly and strong and he might just have been stupid enough to think that it was something you wanted because he's an idiot and probably ignored anything that indicated that you didn't have the same feelings of wanting it that he did. If he really felt that way (and was that dense or just an idiot or maybe thought you would forgive him later), I'm sure he realized his mistake after you filed a report. It may be that he never understood how you were feeling at that time and because he didn't understand how you felt, he feels blameless. Well, I don't really know about that since I don't know the details but it sounds like if he is swearing at you he might realize he is wrong but just doesn't want to admit it. If I were you I would leave him alone to stew in his own juices. Since he hasn't approached you in the past years I don't think you need to worry about it again but if you are concerned you could always talk to your family and neighbors and say (without too many details) that you recently came across someone who assaulted you in the past on facebook and that you had exchanged some heated words before realizing he still lives close to you and then just tell them that even though he didn't threaten you that you are concerned and ask them to look out for him. Having some people nearby to back you up can be very relieving.

Oh yeah, just wanted to say I don't think you taking pictures and stuff is really weird. There are several things in the past I often thing I want to go to those places and see them again now. It's like we see those places so often in our dreams and memories that we start to lose our sense of their existence in real life. At least that's how I feel. I've gone to a couple of the places from my childhood and they always look so different somehow, even though so little has changed, that I just can't believe it.