I Need Some Advice Regarding A Kid

[Socha]

I hope this is the right category - if not feel free to move where it fits.

There is this little guy I'm really concerned about. He's 11 years old and having him around is actually triggering because I can see a lot of behavior and attitudes that I am way too familiar with. I can see the same ideas that I have acted on when I was his age and the way people interact with him makes me sick to my stomach. I can't help but feel like I'm his age again and some of the worst memories crawl up.

I'm socially akward but one thing I found myself to be good at is recognizing people who are somewhat like me: damaged and broken. The way he is now unfolded over the last couple of years, making me see my own path very clearly and I have no idea what to do to be of any help. I feel as helpless as I felt when it happened to me and the only thing I could do was telling him I would be there if he needed someone no matter what or when and that I wouldn't tell another soul.
I would never ask him directly if something did happen because the second worst thing besides my trauma was people asking and pressuring me about it. I don't see any possible way to help because it would involve me expose my trauma and I am not able do that (yet). I just can't and I feel guilty for it plus there is a possibility that I am completely of my reservation in this case and nothing happened but me being paranoid.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

Maybe the best you can do for now is to be a friend to the boy, and offer him a safe environment when he is around you. If he is doing inappropriate things to or around you, you can calmly try to discuss it with him to let him know he is behaving properly, or talk to his family about it. I, personally, have always been triggered by waiting in therapist waiting rooms--something I have done since 9 yrs old--and seeing young children waiting to see a psychologist. I know why they are there, usually because of abuse. I see my young self in their eyes, and it really bothers me.

 

[Socha]

I try not to be around him because it makes me so uncomfortable. How selfish and pathetic is that?! :(
He went through a lot of therapy sessions but not to help him and make him feel better but to make him 'behave properly'. At least I'm pretty sure that's what he feels like based on his comments being a bad person. His parents get mad at him because he can't sleep and they even get mad when he voices suicidal thoughts. They blame it mostly on watching too much TV. So talking to them is not an option. It sucks that I can't do more for him.

Thanks for your reply Whispering_Truth! I really appreciate it!

 

[KwanYingirl]

He's at a critical developmental stage. My advice is to offer him a safe place to come to and that you can identify with him. So if he feels confused, he can always talk to you in confidence. Be a good role model, that's the best you can do.

I understand that it's uncomfortable to be around him as it takes you back in time. It sounds pretty serious that he's suicidal. He needs to hear that life can be better with time and suggest he focus on his friends and school where he can gain self esteem. Hopefully his folks keep in therapy!

 

[Socha]

He has no friends. He threatens other kids and most of his class mates are afraid of him. That doesn't make school an enjoyable place for him either. One thing I can't understand.

I'll try my best to be there for him.

 

[shimmerz]

I try not to be around him because it makes me so uncomfortable.

There is great significance to this sentence imho. You sound like you are triggering badly. That is neither selfish nor pathetic.

I wouldn't expose yourself to this unless you are in therapy. Honestly. This could be an experience that has come up for you so that you can 'learn', but not unless you have appropriate guidance imho.

 

[Stickler]

I wonder if the child protective services people are involved, because I agree something bad has happened or is currently happening to this boy.

Anger as defense-he doesn't know any other way to interact save to threaten, I'm guessing his parents mostly threaten him so that's what he's had modeled for him?

...hmm. Giving him a stuffed toy, or crayons and paper might help? If he does not have these things.

( I am in my 40's and sleep with stuffed toys :) )

 

[KwanYingirl]

Just to share my sons history. He is dyslexic and didn't really speak until he was 6 and even now he gets very agitated trying to communicate. He was teased and responded with bullying boys and punching holes in walls. He was safe at home but he blew up at us too. His salvation was football. Do you think this boy would be able to participate in sports? It's a great outlet for learning disabled kids. They have good role models and learn to be a brotherhood and be a team. If my son broke house rules we never took the sports away, we actually increased his time at the gym. This is a lifelong struggle for him and his demeanor triggers me.? In fact last week I had a severe conflict with him and he was verbally abusive to me. It's constant work to help him communicate in a calm and democratic fashion.

 

[Justmehere]

Are there any mentoring programs for struggling kids in your area? Suggesting he get connected to one of those may help him a lot, no matter the source of his behavioral difficulties.

 

[Friday]

I try not to be around him because it makes me so uncomfortable. How selfish and pathetic is that?! :(

I spent over 10 years working with & teaching kids. At one point (after my son was born) I wanted 5-10 of my own. At another point I "had" durn near that many between kinship care & accidental nannying. Ha. Double that with their friends over. I looooove kids. So. Much. Fun.

I can't stand to even look at them right now, much less be around them. My heart shreds.

I'm flat broke most of the time, could "easily" start making several K a month busting out curriculum, &/or teaching. No way in hell. Not enough money in the world. Fury, rage, despair, violence. I want my son back. If I can't give him the life I want for him? f*ck the world, let it burn, there's no way in hell I'm doing for other people's kids what I cannot do for my own.

Selfish? Maybe. Self Aware, for sure. I cannot handle it, and no one -much less a child- deserves to have to deal with me when I cannot even deal with myself.

 

[Socha]

His parents are nice people who love him and do the best they can. I think they just run out of ideas since he already is in therapy and mentoring programs as well as sports and lots of other activities.
I gave him a cute stuffed toy monster that has a zipper mouth. Kids can write all their worries on a piece of paper and feed it to the monster. I don't know if that does any good but he saw it laying around in my apartment and asked me questions about it so I decided he should have it.

He is dyslexic and didn't really speak until he was 6 and even now he gets very agitated trying to communicate. He was teased and responded with bullying boys and punching holes in walls. He was safe at home but he blew up at us too.

That on the other hand makes me think that I may be barking up the wrong tree though. Dyslexic, check. Bullying, check. Often agitated, check. Plus he has been diagnosed with ADHD but isn't on any medication because his parents would have to tell his school which would stigmatize him.

Can ADHD or other mental health problems cause a behavior that could be mistaken for what I think/thought is going on?

 

[Theresa1122]

His parents are nice people who love him and do the best they can. I think they just run out of ideas sinc...

YES! ADHD without being treated can cause anger issues and outbursts. It's so sad that his parents have a diagnoses for him and won't get him the proper medication because they don't want to tell the school that "there's something wrong" with their son. He needs help and his parents are only hurting him further by not treating him. How sad for the child and I agree that he is a high risk for suicide.

As for you and your mental health, you need to take care of yourself - period! If his parents won't help him, that's one thing, but you can't make yourself go backwards in your healing in order to help him. I agree with a previous comment about maybe getting child protective or family services involved, if that is available in your area. He needs help, but you can't be the hero at the cost of your own mental health.

Best of wishes and healing to you both.