I Need Some Opinions In This Difficult Time!! Please!!!

[Hicktownchic87]

I've been suffering with PTSD since I was 17yrs old, My high school sweetheart died in a accident and I was diagnosed with ptsd about 8 months later. By the time I was 19 I got married and don't think I was ready at that point in time, I was still battling the difficulties from the accident. He ended up being abusive physically and mentally. He was controlling and I dealt with that until I was 21. I was drinking heavy after going through that marriage. Not I'm 28 and had my ptsd controlled and been sober for 5yrs now. I've been dating this guy though since May 11, 2014 and He's a recovering drug addict and also suffers from ptsd from a car accident that nearly took his life. When we started dating everything seemed good. But I know now that is not the case. He's been in and out of jail and is currently in jail now. He's always fighting and arguing with me and accusing me of things I don't even do. The last few months my ptsd has been back and just as bad as it was before. I have flash back from the night my ex died and everyday has just been torture. I don't know what to do. I haven't been sleeping very well cause of the flashbacks and during the day the memories of him are always on my mind. I've tried to stay strong for him and I but no longer can, the hurting is just to much. Sometimes I wonder why or if this is a way of God telling me to move on from where I'm at. When I'm happy and things are great in life the flashbacks only occur around the time of the accident and his birthday. But when things are no good and I'm lost and confused the flashbacks and memories wont leave me alone. So if anyone has any advice Please I could really use it.

 

[MCCS]

I've been suffering with PTSD since I was 17yrs old, My high school sweetheart died in a accident...

Has the guy you're dating done any recovery for his PTSD?

I do know that my counsellor told me that having more flashbacks is my body's way of telling me it's ready to deal with my trauma.

 

[Hicktownchic87]

Has the guy you're dating done any recovery for his PTSD?

I do know that my counsellor told me that havin...

He has not since we've been together and has been in jail 3 times for drugs and rehab 1 time. But for his ptsd I honestly can't say that he's ever done anything for it. His mom was telling me that they tried to get him to talk to a counselor about his car accident but he would sit and talk about everything except that. He often there's nothing wrong with him mentally.

 

[MCCS]

He has not since we've been together and has been in jail 3 times for drugs and rehab 1 time. But...

I'm sorry to hear that. I was hoping there would be some common ground in empathy of what you're both dealing with with regards to the PTSD.

I'm seeing a guy who is in recovery for drug addiction and had PTSD from the same trauma I am a survivor of. The guy I'm seeing hasn't done any recovery for his PTSD/trauma either since he is fighting for his life with his recovery for drug addiction. It does make it difficult at times since he doesn't want to know what I'm learning since he's not there yet. He doesn't always understand why I am the way I am or react the way I do when I'm triggered which can lead to frustration and not seeing eye to eye on things. It's not easy dating someone who has PTSD, especially when both people have PTSD. In turn, down the road you could become eachothers biggest supports due to understanding though. It can be worth it, I think it depends on the individuals and where both people are in life and recovery. Then again I'm new to healthy relationships, and relationships with someone else who has PTSD.

 

[Hicktownchic87]

I'm sorry to hear that. I was hoping there would be some common ground in empathy of what you're both deali...

It's very difficult and I've never really been in a healthy relationship before, except with Brandon and he was the one who died when I was almost 17. He was my everything I knew him from the time I was 3 years old and we started dating when I was only 13. He was 19 when he died and it was the hardest time for me and I don't know if it's something I will ever get over.

 

[MCCS]

It's very difficult and I've never really been in a healthy relationship before, except with Bran...

I don't think it's fair to wonder if youll ever get over it.. you shouldn't be expected to. I'm new to trauma recovery but I think the whole idea is to learn to cope better by working through the trauma so that we can live our lives feeling whole again. I don't think that means forgetting what happened but by being able to diminish how it negatively affects our lives today. To be able to remember the good memories you had with him opposed to having flashbacks.

 

[Justmehere]

Not I'm 28 and had my ptsd controlled and been sober for 5yrs now.

Good work on getting and staying sober! That's huge.

But when things are no good and I'm lost and confused the flashbacks and memories wont leave me alone. So if anyone has any advice Please I could really use it.

Are you in treatment with a good trauma therapist? It's common for symptoms to get better, and then come back with a new trigger or reminder of the trauma, like you are experiencing. Learning all you can about grounding and mindfulness can help as well.

As for the relationship, consider and evaluate the relationship for where he is at now, not where you hope he will be down the road, and decide if it is good enough for you just as it is now, as if it will never get better. Staying in the relationship on the hope that it will change is going to set you both up for resentment down the road. Also consider that there is tremendous potential for it to be worse - jail and active addictions have a way of increasing symptoms for people who are not in recovery or working out their stuff.

 

[Hicktownchic87]

Good work on getting and staying sober! That's huge.

Are you in treatment with a good trauma therapi...

I haven't been to a therapist is many years, I was going from May 2004 Until about November of 2006 weekly then in 2007 my marriage went down hill and I through him out and that's when I started drinking all then time. I was steady drinking up until around May of 2011. I went from drinking to working about 60 plus hrs a week on a farm. As long as I could keep myself busy I would be fine and with everything going on with him, It triggered everything again and just as bad as it was back in 2004.

 

[Stickler]

Accusing you of things you have not done...strikes me as a potential control tactic of a potentially abusive person.
It's also pretty disrespectful, to interrogate someone and grill them...when you supposedly " love " that person?
Even if that's as far as it ever goes, being around someone who treats you disrespectfully is bad for you.
Does he tear you down in other ways?

...My gut ( which may be shaped like a crystal ball, if more gelatinous in nature ) tells me he's worse news than just the accusations and arguments.

That, of course, is just a feeling...but the fact is, he's not very kind to you and his recovery is either wobbly to nonexistent.

...Since he's in jail, have you been feeling better?
If you feel the least little bit calmer and less foggy when he's not around? You might want to really consider that.

 

[Hicktownchic87]

I don't think it's fair to wonder if youll ever get over it.. you shouldn't be expected to. I'm new to trau...

When ever I have the flashbacks it starts with all the good memories growing up with him and then turns in the night he died and I wake up crying in my sleep.

 

[Hicktownchic87]

Accusing you of things you have not done...strikes me as a potential control tactic of a potentially ab...

You know it was kind of a relief when his parole officer locked him up cause of the arguing all the time but the flashbacks have been about the same. I'm still under stress cause he calls and is always accusing me of cheating an doing things behind his back. He don't realize I'm a down to earth, down home country girl and loyalty, faithfulness and honesty mean a lot to me in a relationship. I've been having second thoughts and I even had a nightmare the one night. He came home from jail a week later He got back on drugs, and in the dream I went to call his parole officer and he beat the hell out of me for calling him. Next thing in the nightmare I woke up in a hospital bed and that's when I woke up from it.

 

[MCCS]

When ever I have the flashbacks it starts with all the good memories growing up with him and then...

I hope one day it's just the good memories. I have a different type of trauma and didn't think of your flashbacks happening that way..