Relationship I Need Some Support And/or Opinions.

[sisu]

I want to text my ex-boyfriend so bad - its all I can think about right now. The thing is, if I text him I know he'll respond. And if he responds it will keep me engaged and I won't move on properly. I need to move on because I want to be happy and he said he can't be in a relationship with me right now. But part of me just wants to be with him.... And in texting and keeping contact with him, I'll always have in the back of my head that we'll get back together. That may or may not ever happen.

We broke up 3 months ago but we continued to talk up until 9 days ago. We even met for lunch about once a week. I know that many people on here have said that they only want to remain friends for sex, but we only saw each other in public and talked or texted on the phone. He is too stressed for a relationship. I quit talking to him because I didn't feel I was being fair to myself. And because I found he was looking on a dating site. His profile is now removed. Truthfully I don't think he was looking for a relationship on there either - I think he was just looking and maybe talking to some women.

I don't know what to do....and I don't know why I want to text him so bad.

 

[Phenioxrising]

Text him, you know what you really want to do. Also if you really trust him enough to stay with him. Keep the communication open, as well as your mind.

 

[aj1]

I am stuck in the same scenario, except we haven't talked since the breakup. I still care deeply for her, and deep down I feel like there is a chance it would work.

The other part of me says it can't work, why bother. She knows what is best for her, and that is not being in a relationship right now. I miss my friend.

 

[p-no]

@sisu
I was in a situation like yours. I can only share my experiences with you but I kept falling back and falling back changed nothing in the end. All it did was increase my pain...

I then found an offer online (free, at least at the time), the No Contact Rule by Natalie Lue. It was her way of wording things that saved me from falling back another time. I decided to put all my energy and all my focus on following what she said in the NCR... and it worked. There comes a time when you're in a safe place and will not feel the urge to contact him anymore. However, once there, continue the NCR! Keep it present at all times.

What you feel you may want one moment may not be what you really want for yourself and medium- or long-term. When we decide upon feelings, we decide for the moment. From your post and diary I gather you have done that before. It seems to me, as you're actually calling out for help, you're in a different place now, wanting something different medium- and long-term.

I needed something like Natalie's way of wording things (BLUNT TO THE BONE) and something to literally integrate into my day and hold on to, literally. I printed off notes I put everywhere to remind me to not contact him but whenever I felt the urge to take up the NCR and sit in a particular chair and read it. No matter how long it would take until I was able to let letters and words into my conscience, I sat there until it happened and until I understood what I was reading. Then I read on a while... Then he was out of my system once again and the urge had gone and I could live on until the urge came back. The important thing was: there came a time when the urge did not return and has not returned since. It is a good place.

Wishing you well and sending you a hug, if you accept it.

 

[JennJenn]

I feel the same way you do about wanting to contact him. For me though we just broke up and he is needing some time to get back to a place where he can feel safe, happy, and healthy. None of which are too much to ask for.

We have discussed going to couple's therapy in the future when he is in a better place. Part of me feels like I should take a step back and give him the space and time he needs, but I am afraid by doing that he will think I am moving on from him.

I don't want to give up on my hope of trying to make a relationship last with him. I know that the odds aren't exactly in our favor, but I keep thinking that if we try different things that something has to work. The one thought I can't get rid of is I know that if I told him I could no longer continue to be there for him he would accept my feelings. He would stop trying too. He wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him, but I don't think he would fight for me if I told him I was done.

It is so hard to know the right thing to do, we can ask for advice from other people and we will receive conflicting advice because each person is in a different place. The only suggestion I have for you is to listen to as much as advice as possible. Once you make a decision either to contact him or not you will know if it is the right one because if it is the wrong decision you will instantly regret your decision.

 

[amethist]

I really do not want to discourage you all from doing what is best for you, but have you asked yourselves the following question.

"If you took the PTSD out of the relationships, would you hold on just in case they came back to you"

Maybe if you look at your relationship like this, you would come up with different answers.

 

[JennJenn]

I am actually able to answer this question with complete honesty. The first time we broke up neither of us had any idea it was due to PTSD. I still wanted to hold onto hope we would find our way back together, and we did. So, yes, even with PTSD out of the relationship I would still want to hold on in case he came back to me.

 

[sisu]

Thank you everyone for all of your responses. I think at this time I will continue to move forward with my life. If I have any hope of ending this cycle I need to move on. Its sad but the reality is that this man is simply not capable of having a real loving relationship with anyone. He might find girlfriends here and there - but it will never work out because he is not healthy and won't get the necessary therapy he needs. He can love deeply for a short amount of time then the stress takes over and he has to isolate. I'll probably always love this man, but he can't love me back they way I need.

I am going to get that book p-no - just in case I ever feel weak again. I'm sure that I will, but hopefully I can keep moving forward. And thank you for the hug p-no - I gladly accept that!

:)

 

[p-no]

I can hardly "like" your post as it is sad that it is what it is. I hear you.

Good luck with everything. I hope things will work out well for you. Make sure to have some "emergency exits" for the urge ready, like posting here and calling a friend, listening to Heavy Metal headbanging in your bedroom... stuff like that.

:)