Dom Violence I Need To Leave My Partner.

[Teasel]

Emotionally abusive and has been for years. Gaslighting. I ended up thinking I loved him. Gave up my conviction that he was f*cking around with me many times. Part of me has wanted to leave him for years. Though I have often believed him and have turned mysrlf inside out either trying to make the relationship work or else trying to talk to him about what I think he's doing to me. I've never felt strong enough to leave him. Was very very depressed for years. Don't think I'm necessarily feeling much stronger now exactly. But I am sure he is abusive now. Have been standing up to him, calling him out on his behaviour. Also realise I might never feel strong enough to leave him but I've just gotta.

He's been escalating his behaviour a lot recently. Twisting things constantly, making out I'm being unfair to him. Trying to gaslight me. I'm not buying into his rubbish, am actually grateful he's been so blatantly abusive. I've doubted myself thousand's of times over his behaviour. I've been really struggling, very isolated and socially anxious, withdrawn, ashamed of myself, sure that I don't matter to anyone, very low lately. Punishing myself also I think. He asked me the other day if I was feeling frightened of him and I said yes. Instantly I realised he was pleased.

He has never been physically abusive to me, does that mean it would be wrong of me to seek help from a women's refuge?
I don't have funds / resources to help me get away.

Couple months ago I tried to tell my dad how bad things are, kind of shocked me to realise instead of offering to help me get away like I was hoping he would, he didn't hear me at all despite me trying n trying. Instead he thought I should know that it's very painful to be alone.I cam away from my dad having given up my version of events and rolling over n thinking again that ok well his version of events must be true.

When I've tried to tell my past 2 therapists about him, neither believed me. Though my currant T does now know that he is really bad for me in most ways. Any time I've tried to bring up gaslighting, she's brushed me off straight away. I remember years ago when I tried to tell friends of mine, they all of them told me no, he's the best thing that's ever happened to you, you should be nicer to him - it's not nice that you talk about having doubts about being with him...

Realise I've stayed in a relationship that's destroying me cause I've been looking for someone to see what he's doing to me. Couldn't back up my own perceptions.. I reckon I can get my Dad to understand if I can just for god's sake keep hold of knowing this. Frightens me how easily and readily Ibelieve him instead of me.frightened ill do it again.
Think I'm hoping posting this here might help me break the secrecy and shame which is keeping me stuck.

 

[Philippa]

The "It's very painful to be alone" thing is very common with people from that generation of your fathers. My mother was always drilling that into me from a young age...that i had to find a good man to marry as the alternative was unthinkable...being alone *gasp.

Sure, it's not easy sometimes, but I guarentee it's better than the situation you are in. I hope you can find the strength to leave him. It's belief systems like your fathers that keeps people stuck in abusive relationships their entire lives. People are so willing to settle for less than they deserve to avoid being alone. It baffles me from where I stand, having been on my own for years, and for the most part I've loved it.

Being alone is an integral step in growth as a human being. I whole heartedly encourage you to try it.

Your 'friends' are ignorant of your situation, and not real friends if they refuse to listen to you. Any therapist these days who is still unaware of what gaslighting is and how damaging it can be is not someone you want to spend a dime or any time with.

I recommend meditation. You sound like you have keen intuition, but you've been worn down so much and trained not to trust it. Don't worry, you're not alone there. Society as a whole encourages us to mistrust our intuition. You're not crazy...he really has done this to you and everyone around you is just ignorant and has faulty programming as well. Get out while you still can. Don't seek understanding from people who will never understand and don't want to.

You have NOTHING to be ashamed of.

 

[Knak]

Sounds familiar. I am in a similar situation. Married to him 30 years, in therapy at the beginning and said I wanted a divorce but didn't have the strength because I had major depression, a previous breakdown that lasted 12 years and knew if I was on my own I'd get worse.

My family was turning against me and my mother made me this sick to start with so couldn't depend on them.

I forced myself to ignore him until it became easier and still catch myself listening to him. I purposely became as abusive to him as he was to me and after years of this he finally threatened divorce, I say okay. He panicked and is still in the process of figuring out how to keep me. I don't look at him or talk to him and don't cook.

He still makes me sick emotionally but although I know I won't be well until I'm away from him I feel if I leave I will go through so much trauma on my own I can't face it.

I told the people from church who knew him 20 years before I did how bad it is, one introduced him to me, but they weren't going to get involved.

The first therapist wanted me to leave him early on but wouldn't say it. Just couldn't believe I was staying, and I have felt like it's my fault I haven't left so blame myself as you do.

The last therapist said she had to meet him to know if I was telling things accurately but after 7 years I assume she believed me. I had to quit going because talking about it made me even worse and more dangerous.

I have agoraphobia and it's so much worse as time goes on so I don't go anywhere. He leaves me behind to do his thing.I force myself to go to book club and women's things at church. I want to travel but have nobody to go with so stay isolated and throw myself into projects and lose perspective on reality.

I am on a lot of medication that finally helped me cope better but paranoid about being labeled an drug addict.

Over Thanksgiving & Christmas, until lately, I was completely depressed and dangerous to myself and others.
I had several breaking points and each time my ability to function has decreased. I can't remember anything from hour to hour and even if I write notes I don't read them. It's not a pretty picture.

One person from church said she believed me and tells me to leave him. Family did not want to hear or deal with it. They are the originators of abuse that led me to marry him. I had to part with them this year due to worsening abuse from them.

All this just to say my experience is similar.

 

[digger]

He has never been physically abusive to me, does that mean it would be wrong of me to seek help from a women's refuge?
I don't have funds / resources to help me get away.

Just a quick response because I don't have enough time for anything longer right now, but no, that wouldn't be wrong at all and could be a really useful support for you going forwards.
:hug:

 

[Knak]

Should have added he lies to me constantly for no good reason. That is a symptom of children of alcoholics. He is in his own disassociation.

 

[Philippa]

Here is a great vid that validates the reasons why victims of abuse stay so long. It might help...

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I think women's aid may be able to at least give some advice on how to leave, how to plan it. He sounds horrible.

 

[Teasel]

Thanks really appreciate people's comments, been neevous since posting.
Can't see the video for some reason @Philippa, what is it called, maybe I can Google it.

 

[Casey_03]

I think you should absolutely seek refuge from a women's center. There is no question about it, you have to leave and if you stay you may not survive. You have to do something drastic that will cut all ties at once and prevent you from having any doubts about your decision -- only specialists at a women's shelter will really be able to make you see the damage of his abuse. It's good that you realize it now, on your own, but I guarantee you that once you leave, allow some time to pass and look at the situation again, without him around to taint your judgment, you will be horrified at how deep the abuse goes. I have been in your situation. I'm still recovering from it. The hardest part about leaving, or at least one of the hardest things, is not getting an apology, or some acknowledgement from him that what he's doing is terrible. When you are in a relationship like that, you spend so much time trying to make him see the error of his ways, trying to make him see how much he is hurting you -- but that is erroneous thinking. He won't see that he's hurting you, he won't feel bad about it, he will never see it from your perspective, and he will never say sorry. So don't bother trying to talk to him or use words to resolve the situation. It's way past that point. That is why so many women stay much longer than they should, because they become obsessed with trying to bring out the good in the man, to try to fight his cruel behavior by bringing out his good qualities. Don't make that mistake, it's not worth it. As for your Dad's advice, I'd say just try to shrug it off. People can be callous in these situations if they've never experienced it themselves, and I think this is especially true of older males. Just focus on getting out, finding a women's shelter and speaking with other women who have been in your shoes. You will be amazed at how helpful it is. Feel free to private message me any time about this. I have way more experience with this issue than I'd like to.

 

[ms spock]

My Mother was atrocious to my sister, when she was leaving her abusive ex-husband telling her she could never cope with a divorce but that was all about her fears!And her reasons that she stayed in her marriage.

I would strongly support you going to a women's refuge as the most dangerous time in a woman's life in Australia is the six months after they leave their husbands/defactos.

You are extremely brave to speak out @Berlinda. Good luck.

 

[Teasel]

Thanks so much @Casey_03, means a lot to have you acknowledge what I'm going through. You're quite right, I've spent years trying to get him to acknowledge what he's doing to me. Or become good for me.and you're right too it's never going to happen.

Been feeling ashamed and so very stupid. Helps a lot for you to say you understand.

And @Ms Spock Thankyou ever so much for saying that to me.I feel relieved that I have said something.

 

[Philippa]

Thanks really appreciate people's comments, been neevous since posting.
Can't see the video for some r...

Emotional Abuse 101: Why victims stay so long in abusive relationships. You can find it on the Self-care Haven you tube site. She's very well researched and offers so many wonderful insights.

There is also a great book you can buy by Beverly Engel called :The emotionally abusive relationship-how to stop abusing and how to stop being abused.