I was in a relationship like that for 24 years he did get violent but not like I had this image of my head that it should be all the time and I should be black and blue. In fact I did not realise that violence included punching holes in walls and raging and shouting inches away from my face. Emotional abuse is the worse kind of abuse. If you go to any DV center they will tell you that and it is not the violence it is the emotional abuse that destroys you inside and keeps you tied to them. Gaslighting is the worse because you doubt yourself constantly and they twist you round so much till you are such a knot nothing makes sense. I used to think I needed a tape recorder in my head to rewind what he had said and check myself that yes I was right, he did say that, and then he twisted it round into something else.
I finally left after another incident where he had been verbally and emotionally abusive to me in front of my kids, calling me useless, my house was a pig-stye, I was spending too much money on bread, worst 10 years of his life (the years we had children) and mimicking me. When I told him to get out, he told me to. Lucky I had an appointment with my son's psychologist the next day. He said I looked tired (I had been up all night crying) and I burst into tears and told him everything about that night and the physical and emotional abuse. And I at that time did not realise just how much more there had been, because I was so used to it. Now I look back living with him was unbearable, it was suffocating. He was destroying me. I was a wreck. When I went back to my ex after the session and told him he was abusive, that's what the psychologist said, my ex turned round to me "He has only heard your side of the story" Lucky my psychologist deals with the victims of narcissistic men like my ex the partners and children and understood exactly what my ex was and how he behaved. It is about control, pure and simple. Emotional abuse is control.
At first I was doubting myself so much, I had to go over everything and work it out how abusive he was. One of the things that really helped me was the Abuse wheel, I'll post a link. I could just about tick everything on there. So once you can see it in writing like that it really helps.
Yes it is lonely, but I was not living with this man. I waisted my life on him. Now at least I can breathe. And it takes time, you have to be away for a while before you realise that you are no longer in that horrible stressful environment that you are so used to you can't even recognise when you are in it. Or you do, there are horrible moments when you do but then they twist it round and you are back in the cycle. There is a cycle, abuse, then charm and being nice, then tension building until abuse again. And yes emotional abuse is abuse. You can go to a DV center. Ask to talk to a counsellor they will understand exactly what you are describing they are trained to understand and they see it over and over. Unfortunately some marriage counsellors fall for the narcissists charm. This happened twice with my ex. So don't rely on other people getting it. Only those who have been through it or deal with it every day because they help women in exactly the same situation. Or a knowledgable psychologist who understands gaslighting and control tactics.
It is lonely because if he is a narcissist he will charm everyone including friends and family and unfortunately there is a bias that it is always the woman's fault, especially when this guy is so nice to everyone else. You need to move away and rebuild your life. Your father does not understand, he is not living it but you have to regain your life.
If you own a house 50% of that house is yours. Plus half his pension, plus any assets. Go to a DV center and they will advise you your next step, legal aid etc. Plan your leaving. Do not leave if you don't have to unless you are in danger. Play savvy. Get all the information, legal, financial, welfare, etc. Ideally it should be him who has to leave. Do you have children? If so he should be leaving for sure. Gather all your personal information, details of pensions, bank accounts, wills, assets. So you know everything you are entitled to and he cannot hide it. Record all the abusive times. Record everything.
Here is the link to the power and control wheel Link Removed
I hope that helps. Be prepared if you do tell him it is over he could get very nasty. That is why you want to be savvy get all the information you need and record everything. If he gets violent or emotionally abusive try recording it on a phone, so you can play it back to those people who say it isn't that bad.
It is worth it. Don't do what I did. I spent most of my life with this man. Over 24 years. You need time to feel what it is like without that kind of control and emotional abuse and become yourself again.
