I can't really talk to people. I don't trust them and sometimes it's hard for me to even trust my friends. Yet every once and a while I'll meet someone one who peeks my interested and I'll let them in; feeling in the back of my mind that it could be a bad idea. And most of the time- I'm right.
The back-story:
I met this guy, Decent. He seemed friendly, but aren't they always? We started a conversation and one thing led to another so we exchanged phone numbers. Our connection wasn't instance. I thought he was nice but I didn't feel anything intimate toward him. He called me late one night; we got to talking and realized he didn't live too far from me. So he invited himself over to play video games and watch movies.
After my traumatic experiences I feel like my sense have been heighted. Which I guess is the polite way of saying I'm always paranoid. I had this feeling that he didn't just come over to hang out. So I played nice for a while pretending as if I didn't expect otherwise. I sat there as he grabbed my sides and touched my back. After the first few minutes my brain had left my body. I saw what was happening but I wasn't in my body long enough to do something about it. When I could talk, I tried to advert his attention to another subject but that sorry " so do you have a boyfriend" line kept getting in the way. It went on like this for a while. I could have told him to get the hell out of my house. I could have told him to keep his hands off but I did none of those things. Not once did I stand up to protect myself.
He didn't leave that night. He played on my sympathies. He argued that he walked all the way over in the rain. It was almost 4 in the morning- blah, blah blah. So, again instead of doing the right thing I let him sleep over. It was hard to sleep. I could feel him tussling behind me. He would throw his hands over my waist, touching my bare skin. His eructation was pressing against my back and I felt like there was no getting out it, it set off my ticks. It triggered an attack but instead of freaking out I just laid there paralyzed.
It went on like this for a while. He would call me at 12 am on a school night- tell me he was hungry or bored. I would invite him over-I would pay for the food with the money I don't really have. He would stay over and again and again he would do all the same things. Pat my ass after I'd push him way. Hug me, when I didn't want him to. Finally I got up the nerve to tell him that what he was doing made me uncomfortable. I told him I liked him as a friend but in the past few years I have been through a lot and I wasn't looking for anything. No relationships, no sexual contact- nothing. I guess this statement made very little sense. He would say things that made me feel guilty. He would bring up my past sexual conquest I'd mentioned in late night conversations as a reason for his behavior. He would do this thing when he spoke. Like an inflated cartoon character, he would whine until I couldn't take it anymore I didn't find it endearing or cute, I actually thought it was quite pathetic but again, If I had just blew him like all the many others before he wouldn't act the way did so often. It was my fault. I was sending mixed signals and he was confused.
I could not believe I had just let this Gangly Succubus in my life...
RANT:
- You would assume that once you meet an adult you could talk about adult things and keep level headed. (Or is that just too much to ask). I never think that in being honest with someone I would so often have these things thrown and smeared in my face. And yet I'm proven wrong.
-No, NO my signals weren't mixed. I confided in what seemed like a decent person of my past. My friends and other life stories because it's important for me to stay honest and forthright. These are things I couldn't tell my own mother. But he presented himself as a person that could be trusted those first few days. Though every once and a while his true intentions would show their face but I’m just so stupid, stupid enough to let it roll right off my back.
The End
I finally broke 2-3 weeks ago. I had, had enough and over something so mundane like accidentally leaving his keys at my place on our way out. I completely lost it. To make a long story short I told him that I didn't like the way he treated me and his overall attitude was intolerable and I wanted him to piss off. We sent text messages back and forth and in that moment I realized that this person I had only known for 2 months. This person I hadn't even had sex with was manipulating me like we had been in a relationship for a years. He wiggled an apology out of me. Four hours of texting I deflated and gave him what he was so desperately looking for:
"I'm sorry you left your keys at my house, I’m sorry I pressured you in to telling me if you would be okay without them until i got home. I'm sorry I’ve sent you mixed signals," lalalalala
Dissociative powers activate!
Did I mean a stitch of it? f*ck no- but finally I got him to go away. It's been well over a two weeks and I hadn't heard anything from him. Until last night, I got a phone call at 3am and then another this morning and a text message this afternoon. He said he was just checking up on me to see how I was.
If my phone wasn't so expensive and I didn't have this unjustifiable emotional attachment to it; I would have launched it across the room. Why, why is it once I put my foot down, It’s never enough? I want to call him to tell him no. No I don't want anymore contact with you go away! But I have this feeling that it's going to turn into this long and drawn out conversation about how I’m wrong and crazy and he's going to try to weasel his way into my existence again.
Am I wrong and crazy for ignoring this person? For cutting them out completely- I’m starting to feel as if I am. I feel guilty for not giving him a good reason as to why I want him to D.I.A.F and stay there. But at the same time I feel as if I did the right thing. Maybe a little late but I did it nonetheless. I need validation; I think I'm just driving myself crazy because I'm a weird loser.
I don't know, Thanks for listening anyway.
The back-story:
I met this guy, Decent. He seemed friendly, but aren't they always? We started a conversation and one thing led to another so we exchanged phone numbers. Our connection wasn't instance. I thought he was nice but I didn't feel anything intimate toward him. He called me late one night; we got to talking and realized he didn't live too far from me. So he invited himself over to play video games and watch movies.
After my traumatic experiences I feel like my sense have been heighted. Which I guess is the polite way of saying I'm always paranoid. I had this feeling that he didn't just come over to hang out. So I played nice for a while pretending as if I didn't expect otherwise. I sat there as he grabbed my sides and touched my back. After the first few minutes my brain had left my body. I saw what was happening but I wasn't in my body long enough to do something about it. When I could talk, I tried to advert his attention to another subject but that sorry " so do you have a boyfriend" line kept getting in the way. It went on like this for a while. I could have told him to get the hell out of my house. I could have told him to keep his hands off but I did none of those things. Not once did I stand up to protect myself.
He didn't leave that night. He played on my sympathies. He argued that he walked all the way over in the rain. It was almost 4 in the morning- blah, blah blah. So, again instead of doing the right thing I let him sleep over. It was hard to sleep. I could feel him tussling behind me. He would throw his hands over my waist, touching my bare skin. His eructation was pressing against my back and I felt like there was no getting out it, it set off my ticks. It triggered an attack but instead of freaking out I just laid there paralyzed.
It went on like this for a while. He would call me at 12 am on a school night- tell me he was hungry or bored. I would invite him over-I would pay for the food with the money I don't really have. He would stay over and again and again he would do all the same things. Pat my ass after I'd push him way. Hug me, when I didn't want him to. Finally I got up the nerve to tell him that what he was doing made me uncomfortable. I told him I liked him as a friend but in the past few years I have been through a lot and I wasn't looking for anything. No relationships, no sexual contact- nothing. I guess this statement made very little sense. He would say things that made me feel guilty. He would bring up my past sexual conquest I'd mentioned in late night conversations as a reason for his behavior. He would do this thing when he spoke. Like an inflated cartoon character, he would whine until I couldn't take it anymore I didn't find it endearing or cute, I actually thought it was quite pathetic but again, If I had just blew him like all the many others before he wouldn't act the way did so often. It was my fault. I was sending mixed signals and he was confused.
I could not believe I had just let this Gangly Succubus in my life...
RANT:
- You would assume that once you meet an adult you could talk about adult things and keep level headed. (Or is that just too much to ask). I never think that in being honest with someone I would so often have these things thrown and smeared in my face. And yet I'm proven wrong.
-No, NO my signals weren't mixed. I confided in what seemed like a decent person of my past. My friends and other life stories because it's important for me to stay honest and forthright. These are things I couldn't tell my own mother. But he presented himself as a person that could be trusted those first few days. Though every once and a while his true intentions would show their face but I’m just so stupid, stupid enough to let it roll right off my back.
The End
I finally broke 2-3 weeks ago. I had, had enough and over something so mundane like accidentally leaving his keys at my place on our way out. I completely lost it. To make a long story short I told him that I didn't like the way he treated me and his overall attitude was intolerable and I wanted him to piss off. We sent text messages back and forth and in that moment I realized that this person I had only known for 2 months. This person I hadn't even had sex with was manipulating me like we had been in a relationship for a years. He wiggled an apology out of me. Four hours of texting I deflated and gave him what he was so desperately looking for:
"I'm sorry you left your keys at my house, I’m sorry I pressured you in to telling me if you would be okay without them until i got home. I'm sorry I’ve sent you mixed signals," lalalalala
Did I mean a stitch of it? f*ck no- but finally I got him to go away. It's been well over a two weeks and I hadn't heard anything from him. Until last night, I got a phone call at 3am and then another this morning and a text message this afternoon. He said he was just checking up on me to see how I was.
If my phone wasn't so expensive and I didn't have this unjustifiable emotional attachment to it; I would have launched it across the room. Why, why is it once I put my foot down, It’s never enough? I want to call him to tell him no. No I don't want anymore contact with you go away! But I have this feeling that it's going to turn into this long and drawn out conversation about how I’m wrong and crazy and he's going to try to weasel his way into my existence again.
Am I wrong and crazy for ignoring this person? For cutting them out completely- I’m starting to feel as if I am. I feel guilty for not giving him a good reason as to why I want him to D.I.A.F and stay there. But at the same time I feel as if I did the right thing. Maybe a little late but I did it nonetheless. I need validation; I think I'm just driving myself crazy because I'm a weird loser.
I don't know, Thanks for listening anyway.
