I Pushed Them All Away.

[Philippa]

I'm starting to feel a profound sense of sadness, and sense that it is sinking in to my brother, the one who doesn't hate me for cutting him out of my life, that he may not see me again. I can feel this upsets him, though I am not sure if that is because he no longer has someone he can toy with and try and drive crazy anymore?

He once tried to scare me by telling me, the day my mother announced that she was leaving my father and had him fly us all down from our respective cities to break the news, even though I knew it was coming years before...that he was never going to speak to me again. At the time, I had no idea why he felt so strongly, and I could see the contempt in his face when he said it to me.

Instinctively I turned and said nonchalantly that he'd be doing me a favour if he did that, and carried on as though it was nothing. I now know that it was because mum or dad had told him about the day I flipped out when I'd stopped taking my meds, and tried to kick mum when she drank the bottle of wine my boyfriend had bought me, and replaced it with a different kind of wine alltogether, which triggered me into a rage like I'd never known before. I went wild.

They told my brothers, to turn them against me, so they'd think less of me. Why else bring them into it? I'd apologized to mum the same day, and meant it...but they still felt the need to share that incident with my brothers, not even getting that I was deeply distressed from having just been raped.

My brother has spent the last 15 years trying to convince me that I am some terrible weirdo, and that there is something so wrong with me. He's a master at gaslighting, as is my father. I think my father trained both him and my other brother, and subtly encouraged them both to mock and ridicule me in front of their friends.

I'm also starting to read and learn more about Narcissism, and how the children of Narcissists usually end up taking on aspects of the Narcissist, which is totally how my brothers are now. It's confusing because they aren't ALWAYS like that, but when they are, they fit the profile like a glove. It's also hard because I think most people are like that at times...maybe I'm like that as well, though I do my best to be as conscious as possible and not inflict gaslighting on others, or any of the other nasties that are so prevalent to narcissists?

I worked out early on that I'd done nothing wrong...he just loved the pleasure of watching me try and work out what I had done to deserve his rejection and tone of utter disgust and judgement in me. He's sadistic that way. Once I'd worked it out I never again took anything he said to me as something I'd done...and always knew it was him and his twisted mind games. I stopped buying into it, which is the only way one can protect oneself from these sorts of personalities.

So now the tables have turned, and it's been about a year since I spoke to him. Didn't call him on his birthday and have gotten a new phone number and haven't given it to him, and have blocked both my father and other brother from calling, deleted all other relatives from social media, and only interact with my mother, since she seemed to display genuine remorse and spoke of wanting to change...which I will believe when I see it.

I feel really sad right now, for having lost him though. He's turned into someone I don't want to be around. We were always the two out of the family who had a special bond, and were the creative ones, and I loved him so much. I don't know how I feel about him now? He's like a stranger to me...they all are.

I guess I am reaching out to see if anyone here is having the same internal conflict between missing members of your family, and feeling sad and profoundly distressed at not having any contact with them, but at the same time, glad you have no contact with them? I still struggle with it, because it feels so wrong, even though I know I did the right thing for me.

I have pushed them all away, but I am not sure if it is purely PTSD or just self-preservation? I feel like it is more the latter, but I'm also aware that I have a growing tendency to do this, and have started to recognize the ways I create a 'push-pull' dynamic in relationships...where I will invite a man to come over, and enjoy a bit of intimacy, and then almost as soon as he gets here, I will want him to leave and grimace at his attempts to hug or kiss me, even though I crave affection at the same time.

It happened with a lovely man I met recently. He came over one night a couple of weeks into having moved into my new bungalow, and in retrospect it was too early for me to have anyone in my space, as I just wanted it all to myself, but the idea of having a cuddle and maybe sex was appealing. He hadn't been here very long when I realized I wanted him to leave, and he picked up on that and in the middle of the night, got up out of bed and left.

I didn't mean to give off unfriendly vibes to him, and the crazy thing is, as soon as he left the bed, I felt the absence of his warmth and loving energy, and immediately wanted him back there. Nuts!:confused:

It took about 15 minutes of lying there, miserable, cold and alone again, before I adapted to having my space and bed back to myself...and was happy again. I guess that is normal after having been single for so long, and used to having my bed to myself...but I do wonder if it's going to be like this for the rest of my life?

Does anyone get this?

 

[Diamond81]

I get it. Growing up in a highly abusive, dysfunctional family dynamic is but one facet of my own PTSD. As such, no one can "trigger" me like family. I have one brother I haven't really interacted with in over 20 years and another brother that I've been fortunate to share a wonderful relationship with. My children however, are a different story. I've been cut out of thier lives, which is tremendoulsy painful but I have always respected their boundaries whether they chose to engage with me or move away from me.

Creating intimacy has always been difficult for me for many reasons. I believe meaningful intimacy requires trust and that's something I am woefully short of. I am also aware that due to my family background, I grew up with a very real deficit when it comes to interacting with people, to the extent that really, there are few people I now consider worth the effort to forge a relationship with, though I do accept the fault as all mine.

So, it can be a lonely existence; I tend to isolate by nature anyway, but when I DO desire the "normal" ebb and flow of friendship, companionship, conversation etc, the end result is that I've not inveted the time to cultivate that with others. In addition, I think that I also have high expectaions of myself and this coupled with the pattern of having others simply decide to absent themselves from further involvement with me, I sabotage relationships in a sense, so that at least I get to "control" the outcome anbd avoid a compounded wound of further rejection. Odd, indeed that I am aware of this dynamic on the one hand, but oblivious to it on the other. Where I think I "get" your comments is that the measure of effort is wieghed by the least painful route: risk and pursue, or shut down and experience the pain, isolation, abandonment and rejection that characterizes our PTSD.

Each subsequent encounter with attempted intiamcy either moves me forward or not at all. I do think I've reached a managable stasis, but like you, I question "is this all there is?" But I DO truly enjoy my own company, I like to do what I like to do and am constanlty amazing and suprising myself. and I love life.

Sometimes I wish there were surrogate humans who would come, be what I want for awhile and then go away. I know that sounds selfish but it is honest. One thing I do from time to time is go to dinner or maybe to a local pub and interact with total strangers to see if I can still pass muster in the real world. I miss the benign and trivial manner with which ordinary people chat each other up, put their best face forward and then forget each other's names within an hour.........

 

[Philippa]

Thankyou for sharing that Diamond81. I am still unwinding from work that I just got home from now, and eating something, so when I have more to say...well, you'll hear from me.;)

 

[Loner]

I have had no contact with my family for a few years. I dont even hardly think about them any more. There is no reason to keep them in my life, I owe them nothing. From reading your post it sounds like a very similar situation. Narcissistic mother, borderline father, and my brother well, I'm not sure if he has a disorder or is just really messed up from my parents, but he used me as an outlet for his own pain by verbally abusing me constantly. No offense, but youre thinking way too hard about this. Thats not bad, if you need to as a step to your healing go ahead, but, you don't owe them anything, and I am pretty confident in saying they are not bringing anything positive to your life, so why on earth would you bother interacting with them at all?

 

[Philippa]

I don't...bother. I haven't in ages, apart from the odd email with my mother, who has shown what seems to be genuine remorse and willingness to look at herself and her behaviour.

But I hear you, and I probably am thinking too much about it. I'm better than I used to be with it though...that's just how my brain seems to be about a lot of stuff.

Also, I am still getting back my sense of trust in myself, and my own judgement, after that was seriously damaged from all the second guessing I started to do after all the mind games and crap my father, mother and BOTH brothers were throwing at me, not to mention any man I happened to attract into my life, who seemed to turn into my father after a short time.

I think it's fairly normal behaviour when it's just something new. After all, I spent my whole life with these people, and just because I've had enough of their crap and told them all to f*ck off, does not mean that I don't also have my moments of wishing things were different. I'm keeping pretty busy though with stuff that interests me, so I don't get this way all the time.

I would love some solid methods for how to not think too much though, if you have any...?

 

[Philippa]

I agree though, I don't owe them anything. My mother has even said to me "take care of you now" and has agreed to stop trying to fix everything and act as the middle person. I don't expect things to ever change...but I have to say, she did show immense character in admitting to the stuff she did do. I know not many people here get that much from either of their parents.

Whether it is a very well acted out manipulation, remains to be seen...it very much seemed genuine though, and I probably shouldn't give her the benefit of the doubt, but she knows that I will simply block her, without a second though, as well if she turns out to be fake. She knows she is treading on VERY thin ice.

But really, I was more expressing the conflict I have been having between knowing it's the right thing, and knowing that I owe them nothing...and FEELING the resentment and hatred they have for me right now, for my defiance of the family 'rules', and for rocking the boat and relinquishing the role of scapegoat. It's not exactly comfortable...though it is liberating at the same time.

I still get pulls from my father in my psyche from time to time...but I'm working on removing that influence.

I guess I just need to get used to it.

 

[Loner]

As far as how not to think about it, I would say just think how you want your life to be like, and what kinds of things you would like to do, as you do those things and take steps to make your life be the way you want it, your present and future will become more important than your past.

 

[The Albatross]

I would love some solid methods for how to not think too much though, if you have any...?

1. Stop waiting for perfection (perfect timing, perfect conditions) before you do what you know you should have done long ago. Being ambitious is great but aiming for perfection is unrealistic, impractical and debilitating. Aim for constant improvement and consciously and methodically work towards positive change where you need it most.

2. Don’t assume. Don’t act on hunches, act on facts.

3. Be more proactive; do stuff! Get out of the theory and into the practical. Now! Do at least one thing each day every day that will get you closer to where you want to be. Even if it scares you. Especially if it scares you. To steal someone else’s book title, “Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway.” Don’t let fear hijack your potential or run your life (into the ground).

4. Ask yourself the right type of questions; the ones which will put you (mentally) in a positive, practical, productive and solution-focused head space. Acknowledge the problem but be all about the solution. Consciously find the good.

5. Have a sounding board (coach, friend, mentor, relative); someone who will provide you with relevant, meaningful, specific, unemotional feedback – you can’t be objective about you. Make sure it’s someone who will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.

6. In order to consistently and consciously move from mediocre to amazing, create a plan and totally commit to it. Don’t give yourself an escape clause. Identify and commit to your non-negotiable behaviours.

7. Stop rationalising, justifying and explaining what you’re not doing. Try honesty, it’s quite effective. And liberating.

8. Keep a Success Diary (wanky name but great concept). Journaling your thoughts, decisions, behaviours and results is a great way to keep perspective, stay focused and motivated and to de-emotionalise the change process. It’s also a good way for you to learn what works – for you.

9. Get out of your thoughts. Eckhart Tolie talks about finding that very quiet, relaxing and beautiful space beyond our thoughts. The place where peace, calm, joy and freedom live. This is something which needs to be worked on but with practice you’ll be able to do it almost anywhere at any time. We don’t know how hard it is to stop thinking until we try. And the irony is that moving beyond our thoughts is not really about trying but about letting go. Of the chaos. The mind can be an exhausting place and sometimes we need a holiday from it. If you struggle with this concept, start by losing yourself in some of your favourite music. Step out of your mind and into the music; away from the cerebral and into the creative. The spiritual. The non-thinker. If you’re interested in exploring and understanding this concept more, check out Eckhart Tolle’s book the Power of Now. It’s kind of heavy going (possibly weird depending on where you’re at) but well worth it if you can persevere and digest his words thoughtfully.

10. With all the thoughts traveling around in your head, some of them should be evicted, others are stuck and are too scared to come out. See your brain’s thoughts as one massive Apartment Block. Let’s look at Level 2 of your Apartment Block … as you walk down the corridor, you hear the ol’ crazy woman behind Apt 22 “you should have done it this way stuuupid…”. Further down is the chatterbox in Apt 28 who always has her door open and jumps out and distracts you, just as you’re trying to get somewhere. At the end of the corridor is Mr Gotnothingbettertodo who without fail stops you dead in your tracks “if you only saw how silly you looked you’ve never do that again!”. These trouble-making tenants are in fact those thoughts that interupt your driving forces and freeze you with guilt, anxiety and reasons to keep us still. These tenants are really easy to spot, haven’t paid rent in years, are up to no good and are causing trouble to all the other (good) tenants. These tenants must be evicted – effective immediately!

Source: How to Stop Being an Over-Thinker by Craig Harper

 

[The Albatross]

I haven't (I confess) read The Power of Now... but several years ago I did read, Eating, Drinking, Overthinking: The Toxic Triangle of Food, Alcohol, and Depression--and How Women Can Break Free by Susan Nolen-Hoeksema. She also wrote Women Who Think Too Much. In that book, the Chapter If It Hurts So Much, Why Do We Do It?, she explains fascinating discoveries in brain science, and how when we think of one bad thing, it usually cascades into a torrent of negative thoughts and emotions. She writes:

"The organization of our brain sets us up for overthinking. Each little thought and memory we hold in our mind does not sit there isolated and independent from other thoughts. Instead, our thoughts are woven together in intricate networks of associations...This intricate organization of the brain into in interconnected networks of memories, thoughts, and feelings greatly increases our efficiency of thinking. It's what helps us see similarities and connections between issues...But our spiderweb of a brain also makes it easy to overthink. In particular, the fact that negative mood connects negative thoughts and memories, even when these thoughts and memories have nothing else to do with one another, sets us up for overthinking. When you are in a bad mood for any reason, your mood activates--literally lights up--those nodes of your brain that hold negative memories from the past and negative ways of thinkings. This makes them highly accessible: it's easier to get there with your conscious thoughts. This is why it is easier to think of negative things when you are in a bad mood than when you are in a good mood. It is also easier to see interconnections between the bad things in your life when you are in a bad mood..."

Here's a handy dandy one I use pretty frequently:

Strategy: Don't go there.
Description: Choose not to get involved in situations that arouse overthinking.
Example: Jan knew that spending too much time with her mother was sure to result in weeks of overthinking, so she kept her visits short.

Source quote was part of an Amazon book review... i couldn't have said it any better.

 

[Philippa]

1. Stop waiting for perfection (perfect timing, perfect conditions) before you do what you know you should have done long ago. Being ambitious is great but aiming for perfection is unrealistic, impractical and debilitating. Aim for constant improvement and consciously and methodically work towards positive change where you need it most.

I think I am doing this with the massage business I've been working on, and am already having friends as clients to work with. The job I have is giving me the opportunity to improve at my craft, and find clients I feel safe to work with. Plus, I am learning what not to do via the people I have worked for in recent months. My conditions definitely weren't perfect for that at the last place I was staying, but it was a matter of having to to pay the rent...so I did.

2. Don’t assume. Don’t act on hunches, act on facts.

Yes, this is a good one. I do understand assuming is the mother of all f*ck ups. but I think our minds have the tendency to assume anyway...and it takes conscious remembering to stop it. This is a good one to remember though.

3. Be more proactive; do stuff! Get out of the theory and into the practical. Now! Do at least one thing each day every day that will get you closer to where you want to be. Even if it scares you. Especially if it scares you. To steal someone else’s book title, “Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway.” Don’t let fear hijack your potential or run your life (into the ground).

I think I am keeping fairly busy at the moment and busting through the fear. I have set up blocks to my family invading my personal space, so as to heal. But I have definitely done this sort of thing in the past, and it really works towards pushing out of your comfort zone.

4. Ask yourself the right type of questions; the ones which will put you (mentally) in a positive, practical, productive and solution-focused head space. Acknowledge the problem but be all about the solution. Consciously find the good.

This one is great. I used to have a real good sense of what the right questions to ask are. These days I struggle to know sometimes. I'm still learning to not second guess myself so much, and to trust myself and my own judgement. It can be shaky at times...but I've started asking inside again, what I need at this time, and when I don't know I ask what question I need to ask right now, and listen for the answer.

5. Have a sounding board (coach, friend, mentor, relative); someone who will provide you with relevant, meaningful, specific, unemotional feedback – you can’t be objective about you. Make sure it’s someone who will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.

This is one I have had some trouble finding. I had some online people from a forum, but got rejected for not speaking their language, and I think some of them were not good for me anyway, so it was probably a good thing that I did get banned. I have friends now that I've made from my course, but not sure if they are suitable mentors, as they are still working through their own stuff as well.

But it's something I can intend for to find of course...I've been considering this for a while now.

6. In order to consistently and consciously move from mediocre to amazing, create a plan and totally commit to it. Don’t give yourself an escape clause. Identify and commit to your non-negotiable behaviours.

I did this with my working on anger management and cultivating more kindness consciously.

7. Stop rationalising, justifying and explaining what you’re not doing. Try honesty, it’s quite effective. And liberating.

Yes, this is a challenging one. I find sometimes I'm not even aware that I am rationalising or justifying...and later work it out. But yes, it's a matter of being conscious and aware enough to recognise when you are doing it, and stop yourself. Reverting to honesty is always the better way.

8. Keep a Success Diary (wanky name but great concept). Journaling your thoughts, decisions, behaviours and results is a great way to keep perspective, stay focused and motivated and to de-emotionalise the change process. It’s also a good way for you to learn what works – for you.

This is great. So often I find that even if I can acknowledge my small successes for the day, I have trouble really sitting with them, and feeling the good feelings that go with them. It's like I'm on automatic, and onto the next thing, without really feeling the pleasure of the last thing I conquered, which feels like a waste.

9. Get out of your thoughts. Eckhart Tolie talks about finding that very quiet, relaxing and beautiful space beyond our thoughts. The place where peace, calm, joy and freedom live. This is something which needs to be worked on but with practice you’ll be able to do it almost anywhere at any time. We don’t know how hard it is to stop thinking until we try. And the irony is that moving beyond our thoughts is not really about trying but about letting go. Of the chaos. The mind can be an exhausting place and sometimes we need a holiday from it. If you struggle with this concept, start by losing yourself in some of your favourite music. Step out of your mind and into the music; away from the cerebral and into the creative. The spiritual. The non-thinker. If you’re interested in exploring and understanding this concept more, check out Eckhart Tolle’s book the Power of Now. It’s kind of heavy going (possibly weird depending on where you’re at) but well worth it if you can persevere and digest his words thoughtfully.

Oh yes. I've been working on this one for many years. It takes constant vigilance I've learned. Painting and art is where I can easily enter into these head spaces. I was actually lamenting just last night on how little time I seem to spend on painting and the things I really love and need to do more of. I want to turn that around.

I really want to get a new MP3, as I haven't been able to listen to any music in over a month. It's starting to drive me a bit silly. I really miss my music. My computer tends to literally shut off when I play Media player. It's an old laptop and it acts really strange at times. I need a new computer really.

10. With all the thoughts traveling around in your head, some of them should be evicted, others are stuck and are too scared to come out. See your brain’s thoughts as one massive Apartment Block. Let’s look at Level 2 of your Apartment Block … as you walk down the corridor, you hear the ol’ crazy woman behind Apt 22 “you should have done it this way stuuupid…”. Further down is the chatterbox in Apt 28 who always has her door open and jumps out and distracts you, just as you’re trying to get somewhere. At the end of the corridor is Mr Gotnothingbettertodo who without fail stops you dead in your tracks “if you only saw how silly you looked you’ve never do that again!”. These trouble-making tenants are in fact those thoughts that interupt your driving forces and freeze you with guilt, anxiety and reasons to keep us still. These tenants are really easy to spot, haven’t paid rent in years, are up to no good and are causing trouble to all the other (good) tenants. These tenants must be evicted – effective immediately!

That's a really really good and helpful way to see it I think. Thanks. I will try that one.

Source: How to Stop Being an Over-Thinker by Craig Harper

Thanks Alba, for the helpful suggestions.:)

 

[Philippa]

I like your strategy from the other post you posted Alba. I think I do that to some degree, but I do need to get better at being more vigilant about it.

 

[The Albatross]

Glad to be of assistance, it helped me too by going out and finding it and rereading it.