I Really Want To Quit

[mylunareclipse]

I think I've had enough.

I have been seeing my therapist for almost two years, but I told her I might not go back.

She is generally a nice person, but I feel like something is missing. She never positively encourages me. She never seems enthusiastic about our work together, and always seems to hold back. If I ever try to bring up things I don't like, she immediately starts to paychoanalyze me about transferring feelings, defenses etc. I feel like I'm talking to a psychoanalysis robot, rather than a true person. Is it too much to ask for a person who is truly present as a person and not as a technique? Most of the time she just sits there quietly even after I have shared things that are very painful to me we just sit there in silence.

We have decided to email once a week and she usually responds back fairly quickly. This week was terrible for me and had to deal a very difficult situation and a death of a family member. She responded much later than usual and when I said I was upset at this due to being a difficult time and losing a family member, I got another response about how she hoped I would go back and talk etc but there was never a single freaking line about I'm sorry for your loss, I'm sorry you are having a difficult time, I hope things turn out ok. Instead the email once more seemed more focused on therapy technique than feelings.

I think she has been able to help me through this two years, however I am feeling very strongly that we have reached the end. I think at this point I would like someone who can truly be emotionally present and not hold back and be so distant. Someone who is not afraid to say good job or I'm sorry.

Of course, I'm the kind of person that feels bad to quit on anything etc, but honestly I am feelings very strongly like I don't want to go back.

I could really use some advice. I also want to say that this is the first time in two years that I have told her I don't really feel like I want to go back. I have never said anything like this to her in the past.

Thank you

 

[Deadman]

Why do you need advice? You've made a good case for finding a new T.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I will say that my therapist is not what you are describing. She praises my stressful week by saying, "you have done some good work here." She even said, "I would have zoned in and out too, if that was happening to me." So I get validation and empathy. I also get the thought provoking statements that seem innocent, but become a huge difficulty in my following week. It sounds like your therapist knows techniques that have probably helped you the last two years and she communicates mid week which is really nice (I have been told that I can call mine, but never have). It seems as though you are interested in someone that shows empathy or validation. Maybe this is a new stage in your healing that is necessary for you.

 

[mylunareclipse]

Thank you texcat and deadman.

That's how I am feeling. She has been very helpful, but maybe at this point is time for us to part. I need some emotional heeling, which I think she is unable to provide.

I emailed her to cancel for this week, but I hope that maybe in few weeks when I am less raw to maybe go have a closing session.

Thank you

 

[hodge]

I feel so bad about your therapy experience, @wishforescape. I hope you can find a better t, hopefully a trauma specialist.

 

[mylunareclipse]

I feel so bad about your therapy experience, @wishforescape. I hope you can find a bett...

thank you for your support Hodge.

Honestly, just this line that you wrote is more validation and support that I have received in my therapy. I think my feelings and past trauma scare her a bit, so she kind of avoids talking about any feelings. Actually one of the lines that annoys me the most, when I say I don't know how to say something, and she says "it doesn't matter what you say we'll reach the same conclusions". I think it's meant to be supportive, but after a few times it starts sounding like, "it doesn't matter what you say, we have a formula, we fix you".

 

[mylunareclipse]

Now she wants me to go back. It hurts not going back. But I am also afraid to go. I am afraid she will hurt me. How do you trust yourself. How do you know that the advice the therapist is giving you, is the best one for you? I have been manipulated and hurt by many people in the past and I find it so hard to trust. I have opened my heart and I don't want to go back so she can stab right through it.

 

[NightSky]

My T isn't a trauma specialist (yet, but will be as that is the area she is persuing) and she lets me email midweek, and always responds with encouragement and/or validation. Just a few lines like, "I can only imagine what you must be feeling." Or "I'm so proud of this email," when I'm open with her. And in person she is always giving me positive feedback when I'm good with eye contact or when I stay present. She's always asking me to be kinder and gentler with myself etc. They are out there. And it sounds like that's what you need. If I didn't have that kind of constant validation I wouldn't even have hope to scale these walls of mine. Maybe you can go back to talk about those needs you have, and how maybe you need to start looking elsewhere.

 

[Fantine]

Hi Wish:

Wow, I have to tell you, just based on what you have written here, your T does not sound very nurturing. She may be a lovely person, but using her tough love or whatever method she's employing doesn't sound like a good fit for a trauma survivor.

What jumped out at me was your last post in which you stated that you were afraid to go back. If you are feeling so unsure and uncomfortable about returning to a therapy session, then maybe that's your instincts trying to protect you. I mean for crying out loud . . . her goal should be one of shepherding you through and being supportive in your journey, not causing more angst in your life.

In closing, I'd just like to say that any kind of attempt at healing is hard work for both mind and body. Maybe you can give yourself a break for a bit? And then see how you feel after a week or so? Be gentle with yourself. You don't have to figure it out all at once. Take your time, get some rest, remember to breathe.

Fantine

 

[mylunareclipse]

Fantine, thank you so much for your response!

That's exactly how I feel. I get the definite sense that she is indeed a nice person, but I believe she is more psychoanalytically trained or something? We have never discussed it.

Anyway, I don't mean to hurt her feelings, but I am just missing the connection. I have brought this up to her before and she said it is her style, but also that she has been kind and supportive and I just don't focus on those things. She emailed saying I probably suffer because of these problems in real life so it's good we discuss.

I understand where she is coming from but I am not at that point yet. I need someone who is nurturing like you mentioned. Someone that will not make me feel like I am alone in the room.

The only reason why I know what I want and that it exists is that I saw the director of the place for only one session for referral and I could feel such a strong connection to him. He kept telling me how I was resilient, and that I had done so well without therapy, and he thanked me when he found out that I had never shared with anyone else before. He seemed genuinely happy to be in the room with me and it felt very very healing.

Now, my therapist often says that she is giving me what I need for therapy to be effective, but I don't agree. I don't like the doubts I have on whether she is trustworthy and I would like to first start off from a secure nurturing place. I am grateful for her help, but I believe we have are not in the same path anymore. I am seeing her tomorrow, so we'll see how it goes.

Nightsky, thank you so much for your validation. I would like a therapist that says such encouraging things to me. I think it would be very healing. I understand that in real life people might not directly tell you,, hey I like you and care for you, but right my hurt injured person needs this validation. Maybe I do need a trauma therapist. I told my therapist how I read "the body keeps the score" about a year ago and she had me repeat the title. I am not sure if she had heard of this book. She has never commented on it since, or given suggestions for any other thing I might want to read.

The only problem I have is that I am not sure I will be able to afford or find another therapist. It was hard enough to find this one. I am also moving in about a year so I would only have a short time with someone new. We'll see how it goes. Hopefully things will be somehow resolved as I really cannot handle the pain of feeling rejected by a therapist as well. What is wrong with me that even a genuinely nice person cannot like me?

 

[joeylittle]

The only reason why I know what I want and that it exists is that I saw the director of the place for only one session for referral and I could feel such a strong connection to him. He kept telling me how I was resilient, and that I had done so well without therapy, and he thanked me when he found out that I had never shared with anyone else before. He seemed genuinely happy to be in the room with me and it felt very very healing.

Is it possible you'd be better off with a male therapist? Or, do you think there is something specific to gender that may be at play, here, in your own background? (The one demographic I can't do good therapy work with is women who are in their 50s-60s. And it's because of problems with my Mom. I also am more comfortable talking to men, right now, for other reasons...)

Also: can you get back in touch with the director, and ask to be referred to someone else in the practice?

 

[amosmorris]

thank you for your support Hodge.

Honestly, just this line that you wrote is more validation an...

UGGGGGGH--her language here is totally not effective (or it wouldn't be for me, either!)….I have such trust issues, too, and always worry there is a "formula" and I'm just a "type"….so need to know she's real. Get it completely.