I Seriously Wish I Had Stayed Connected Here.

[winterose]

I wished I hadn't disappeared for a bit and stayed connected. Sadly, I got involved with a therapist who didn't know what she was doing with EMDR. I got thrown off the cliff and didn't even realize it, until I couldn't form a sentence, and had no thoughts of my own. She kept pushing it was my fault for blocking progress.

Instead of questioning her, I was like a hamster on a wheel, I went overtime to break down resistances I had. I went into a quasi- military style of there is NO excuse for you. Only thought was ok, you have to do this for you to get well. All I knew I didn't want to be a problem anywhere in my life and I didn't want to fail at my own recovery.

The last thing that was coherent I remember was her saying I was having a pity party, and somehow I just stopped responding. I felt myself float off. Being in a utopian state is not as exciting as people think. It's scary to be locked behind a wall screaming and then drifting off again. You're confused and know it on one level, but on the other levels you are too exhausted to "care".

The only thing I managed to do after they medicated me was to take care of the dogs. Showers, and everything else was out of sync. The worse was feeling like I failed and the guilt and shame that came with it. It left me in a cycle of questions of me vs them. Not knowing you can trust yourself is humbling to say the least. I pointed the failure at myself. I failed because I wasn't strong. I failed because of this or that.

I haven't gotten all of my cognitive functions back but I am trying very hard. I just know I am trying to keep myself going one day at a time. That's really all I can handle at the moment. I know one thing I never want to go over that cliff again. I never want to lose my voice again. The loss of the ability to communicate anything for me was a death sentence. It left me so vulnerable to others thinking and actions. Never again.

I am on the hunt for another therapist but it will take sometime. I do want to get back to the EMDR but I want other safeguards just in case. So there you have it. Where I been and where I am going.

 

[sbump]

Welcome back.

 

[winterose]

Thank you sbump.

 

[Pencil]

The worse was feeling like I failed and the guilt and shame that came with it. It left me in a cycle of questions of me vs them. Not knowing you can trust yourself is humbling to say the least. I pointed the failure at myself. I failed because I wasn't strong. I failed because of this or that.

This is what really scares me about therapy in general - I think this type of thing happens - to varying degrees - more often than we think. I'm really thinking of you - I've never experienced anything as drastic as you are describing, and yet how know how horrendous it can be.

 

[winterose]

This is why I am thinking maybe emotional abuse in itself should become a topic. It's the least understood abuse and the worse damaging since it is set to destroy what makes the person that person. I think an added component like they do in CBT , would help about words and their meanings. Abusers are very good at using words to hide what they are doing.

 

[Pencil]

This is why I am thinking maybe emotional abuse in itself should become a topic. Abusers are very good at using words to hide what they are doing.

Good idea! Do you include therapy gone wrong?

 

[winterose]

I'm still sorting all this out myself. What was me, what should be pushed, how much and when, and what are the safety nets between normal stress from the therapy working and what isn't normal. I don't know how to answer those yet and this is why I am trying to find feedback and a therapist.

 

[Pencil]

I'm still sorting all this out myself. What was me, what should be pushed, how much and when, and what are the safety nets between normal stress from the therapy working and what isn't normal.

Good luck! I'm in exactly the same position after something much milder, but nonetheless very upsetting.

 

[winterose]

Good hope for both of us. :)

 

[p-no]

I hope you don't mind me saying this, winterose, as we have not met, but it's meant in all good ways: Welcome home.

 

[Sailorgal]

I hope you don't take this the wrong way when I say that things happen when we don't speak up. It's not your fault, you trusted your T and put all your energy into doing something good for yourself. Sadly, due to our past trauma, we don't speak up when we should. Our fear eats us alive making us think that it's only PTSD talking. But sometimes that inner voice is right on.

I wish you the best in finding a compassionate and experienced T who will be able to undo the damage and put you back on that path. Please be on guard and question anything you are not comfortable with.

I want to do EDMR so this helps me to really be attentive to the protocol.

 

[winterose]

I didn't take it the wrong way at all. And you are absolutely correct. I didn't know how to speak up and one of the causes of it was my own inner voice telling me everyone else has gone through this and are better so the fault is on you woman! (You meaning myself). This was why I came back. One to relearn things I need to and also if I can help someone else avoid what the heck I put myself through too.