I had a very busy and emotional day. Lots of triggers and epiphanies. Trying to cope alone as I do. Going to the therapist Thursday. But...it is moments like today I wish I had someone in my life that understood and could just hold me. Give me that caring contact. Just let me cry. Accept me with all of...this. Alas, that is not for me right now. I am sad but I know these feelings will pass. Hopefully quickly...
It's completely understandable, completely relatable, completely human to want to be held and understood. That much most of us here understand about you, even if we can't bump your fist, shake your hand or give you a hug.
I have been where you are now very many times, so I know your situation can change. Some professional help sometimes invites us to have an external reference point to our situation, to try to look at it from another point of view. So I can offer mine, although I must apologize in advance if it is completely useless, which it may well be. I'm just going to share a thought that came to mind.
It's about an odd paradox. Having that someone in our life who is there to hold us can be the exact same person who causes us a world of trouble. We need to be careful what we wish for. I myself am torn between the two situations: (1) having someone who will hug me one day and then cause me to physically shake with tension the next, or (2) not having that someone which will cause me a physical sense of loss that may lead to grief and deep loneliness.
In my personal experience, just one person among seven billion: we need to be careful what we wish for when we crave ending our loneliness, one way or another.
I have an idea for your therapy session today. When you are completely open and honest about your feelings with the person about what you have just told us here, you can extend that to asking for what you want. Asking for what we want is for some people an enormous therapeutic step that might eventually change your life.
If you do want this, you could tell your therapist that you would like them to hold your hand like the "peace be with you" handshake, nothing more than they use in some churches (NB I'm not religious). If you feel it necessary, you could communicate your feelings beforehand and thereby establish boundaries. You could tell them them you need feel you have a caring friend, and if necessary (as it often is), that you want to be very clear that this is not any kind of sexual need. That it's a need to not feel alone, and to be cared for, and to be understood and to have caring contact. I would actually recommend that, because although asking for someone's hand is completely innocent, it's actually a very rare occurrence so prior communication will help it, I am sure.
Personally, I think a hug could be way too intense, and even awkward. A handshake is extremely effective, by contrast. Context: I'm male and was once touched on the shoulder by a female therapist without her being invited to do that, and it ruined everything, and I ended the treatment. She may have meant well but it did feel flirtatious; what bothered me about that is flirtation was not what I was there for. I was there for trauma recovery so I felt that her mind was not on the job and I didn't want to receive something I wasn't requesting. It also felt like a misread of my emotions, I had no need for physical contact in the first place. If she had asked me what I thought about her putting her hand on my shoulder at that point I would say I really don't need it; If she had asked me what I thought about a handshake to express her solidarity at that point, I would have shrugged and said okay.
I myself have conducted a lot of very personal interviews in my professional life, with people in severe shock. If the person starts crying I have extended my upturned open hand if the person wishes to take it. They usually do, and it usually allows them to cry more, open up more, tell more. It's pretty amazing to see how effective that is.
The great thing about a handshake versus a hug is that it lets you continue conversation, eye contact or not, and gives enough physical space to cry. It can last a whole hour of talking without it feeling weird. You can do the whole session holding hands, or half of it, or off an on. You're in control of what you need. In fact, asserting yourself in the therapy room, shaping the session the way you want it, is exactly what some therapists might even encourage.
Of course, you might be physically repelled by your therapist so in that case, try this with someone else!
