I Shouldn't Have Survived

[anonymous]

I emailed women's aid 2 weeks ago, they have still not replied (can't phone - too risky) I am just a prisoner here, I never realised just how bad it truly is, I'm just like a prisoner. I'm too scared, that email was too big a step. I feel as if this is all I deserve, to just be stuck here like a prisoner with this sicko.

I have had something wrong with my health for a long time now, it's not going to go away, not after all this time. All the things I've been put through, it was too much. A good person can only be kicked so many times. People have ruined me. I just want to give up. I'm too ill to do anything about all of it. I wish I hadn't survived. It was not meant to be obviously. I was supposed to go then, when I was eight.

 

[anonymous]

Currently distracting myself as much as possible

 

[halliconkel]

You're not alone. I don't know how to get help, i feel retraumatized by the "free" health system. I too haven't been able to work due to illness and I fall in the loophole of being in my 20s and self rituous people making things worse when i desperately want help. Depression and homelessness seems almost the best option. I could be in solitude and not risk going into a rage when I feel I must always protect myself. I don't know what to do anymore. I pray for us all.

 

[Ronin]

I'll never manage to be a proper adult

I'm not a 'proper adult' either... what on earth is that even? - you're proper because you're an adult, already.

How you function within which situations is hardly a fault. So some are just not computing with you at all; that's not on you Anon.

 

[DharmaGirl]

The YWCA should have help and a secret shelter for you. You will have to leave a lot of things behind. They will protect you and help you get started on a new life. I used to be a well respected charge nurse, then I had a breakdown at work. I have had abusive relationships with men and my woman friends for my whole life until now. I cannot work, am poor, but I receive services, and have built a small life with my gardens and pets that allows me to feel self respect. You can change this, don't let anyone convince you you can't. Much compassion and support, DG

 

[illusionist]

" a good person can only be kicked so many times "

Hold on tight to that thought....nurture it.

What does a good person deserve??

What does a good person have to offer to both themselves, and to other people?

Why does a good person have the right to keep out all that is detrimental to them?

 

[joeylittle]

I emailed women's aid 2 weeks ago, they have still not replied (can't phone - too risky)

Email again. Organizations that get large number of inquiries probably drop a fair number of balls. If you can, email once a day. I know it's hard, but you've already done it once, you can definitely do it again. You deserve and need help.

 

[anonymous]

Thanks to everyone who replied, I realised a lot of things, looked up more information on psychological abuse. I did realise this woman is abusing me but I didn't realise how bad it is. I feel I lost a lot of my personality recently because of her. I used to just agree with everything she says, now if I ever disagree, she snaps and yells at me. I done some trivial thing just this morning and she basically used gaslighting to try to get her way again. I burst into tears and still she yelled at me. My life here is just awful, I'm just humouring her right this moment because she's in a better mood. I am constantly on eggshells

 

[anonymous]

I have emailed WA again, I hope they will reply

 

[anonymous]

I got an automated response this time!

I'm scared of the process but I have to do it, I have to! I'm shaking just thinking about it.

 

[Deleted member 39857]

I got an automated response this time!

I'm scared of the process but I have to do it, I have to! I'...

You'll be less shaky and empowered by the end of the process! It's real and this really happens I know. If we could be there in person we would, at least I would. Look yourself in the eye and see your strength and courage, you've made it this far and you're still standing (My Elton John theme song, I'm Still Standing). Finish it, turn the page, and enjoy the next pages in YOUR story...

 

[anonymous]

I love that song :) I used to listen to a lot of Elton when I was still single. I looked myself in the mirror a few days ago and have been looking at old photographs of myself when I was single and happy, strong and purposeful - I'm still there under the worn face and tired mind and body, I am still that lovely happy woman under there. Thanks for your post :)