I still don't know. I need to know more today, as I have to decide whether to go tomorrow. I said last week that I considered this our last session, but she said she would be there this week. I think it would be polite to email her beforehand and confirm my non-attendance.
The things I am distressed by for a whole week and lose sleep over are the little fragments of comments, not the bits of trauma work we have done. Those fragments are all I have as indication of her thought process.
I want to try to look at it from her side.
I recorded elsewhere
It was nice to have a week without the contradiction that is with us so often. I mean external, conversational contradiction "You are wrong", .... That seems to come from her, it seems to be about winning an argument, no matter the cost. I've been thinking about where it actually originates, and looking for parallels in my past. The only times I can think of with similar levels of intensity of confrontation are parenting, with one daughter at thirteen and the other at two. Both those stages are about establishing some separation from the parent and demonstrating autonomy, whether it's a toddler putting on her own shoes or a teen going out with her friends.
But what on earth am I doing to make T feel she has to fight for independence and autonomy?...it needs more thought. (But I'd rather be thinking about moving on in my treatment than trying to reverse engineer what she wants from tiny signals.)
and
"There has to be some movement", my T keeps saying, but I don't know what she wants from me. She wants me to say I'm multiple, but I'm not. I have said I am faceted, like a diamond. Different facets can never face each other, but they are all part of one stone. She says that is too rigid.
I haven't a clue what she wants from me. Now she says I make her feel as though she is meant to apologise for something. I don't think I'm responsible for her feelings, ... But I'd prefer her just to say it directly.I just want to know when we can stop milling and start working, and what that work will look like. She insists we are working, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I keep asking what the rules are; she tells me there aren't really any. Yet I'm clearly breaking them, or she wouldn't be saying I try to make her be a different sort of therapist, or make her feel the need of an apology.
She obviously has something she does that normally works, and it isn't working with me. I don't know if it comes from my isolated childhood, where I only learned to "read" some pretty strange people. Perhaps she is giving me affirmative signals that I'm not picking up. There isn't anything verbal though.
When we do actually touch on trauma it seems OK, by which I mean she is able to pace things. But there is still no explaining of me to myself, and no application that I can take away.
I'm very surprised to find such unanimity that I should move on. I was so hopeful that this, T6, was going to be the one that worked, who would have the knowledge and expertise I needed. Instead, I'm just lost. I wonder if I should knuckle down and keeping trying at it?
She suggested that I might be reacting to the plan to move to two sessions. The timing suggests that, but my desire to terminate was around her comments "Do you think you were you looking for attention?" and about needing to fight for the treatment I deserve, which in the absence of anything else I heard as suggesting NPD or BPD. I've said over and over that I need her to be transparent, to state the obvious, to be clear and direct, but for some reason she can't
And yes-- bowel cancer is worth mentioning
We did talk about how I might manage the tests, but her advice was to go to my GP for support. Since that is where all the problems originated, I couldn't, and postponed them. The second time around, I just dealt with it myself rather than try again to explain to her.
Think about it this way: what is actually wrong about functioning better in everyday life...whether that means better self-care, gaining or retaining employment or volunteer roles, improving relationships, setting boundaries, calming the nervous system, affect regulation...
Those are the things I want. I want to be different, function better, change. The only bit she seems to focus on is "improving" relationships between me and her.
Ask her what she sees as the purpose of therapy and what she feels the role of the therapist is in facilitating that process.
I think I have asked that, but she can't or won't explain.
Out of everything you described, do you know what bothers me the most? That she said that none of her other clients find her unclear
She said that when I said that if I had this problem with other Ts I would look for the fault in myself. She was saying the same, about herself.
I am wondering how many sessions you have had with this therapist? I don't think our friends across the pond always understand how difficult it can be in the UK to access a therapist and we don't speak of hiring and firing. I am unclear if you are self funding (which increases your options) or if the charity that recommended her is funding her. If you do stop seeing her who can you see instead?
I've been seeing her weekly since July. As you say.it is hard to work out what might happen instead. The funding comes through the NHS to Pottergate Centre for Trauma and Dissociation. I think they then sub-contract to my T, who is described as an Associate Member of the organisation.
I am worried that having rocked the boat I'll be seen as non-compliant and funding will be withdrawn. It may be possible to move to another of their Associates, but I don't know. Possibly I should contact the Director, who is also T's supervisor, but i don't want to go behind her back
