I Think I Am Dying

[Little Flower]

PS. I RESPECT THE SPIRITUALITY OF EVERYONE. I PREFER NOT TO DICUSS IT OR REFER TO IT. THANK YOU FOR YOUR EMPATHY AND UNDERSTANDING
Little Flower

 

[Little Flower]

Concern for my younger brother Who I take some responsibility in raising. He's had a psychotic break when mom died in Feb . 2 months later found was at work n found friend who had commuted suicide. Long story. Unable to elaborate. Now. Grieving

 

[Little Flower]

He found our friend. To clarify

 

[joeylittle]

I have crisis line but they are not so helpful.

Yeah, I know that feeling very well. If you are ever really feeling stuck and there's no-one around here, try googling for "crisis chat". There's a service in the US that provides it. Sometimes you have to try a few times to get on, but I have found the operators to be really, really well trained. And its easier than talking (at least for me).

It's great you got out for a walk - sometimes those little things are just the only way to get through the day, and they make the suffering a little less bad for awhile.

 

[Little Flower]

I now realize I my medication withdrawal is controlling my psyche

 

[Chava]

I hear that you're also sad and worried about a lot of people. Hard to separate from that, but I've worried about others to the point I lost myself, and couldn't help them anyway. Take care of yourself and, if you can, find something to shut the worries out...not quit them, but just put them away for a while, maybe? I like to work on art projects...can get really absorbed in that. Or I put on some funky music and get on my rowing machine. Sometimes something physical helps, sometimes something mentally absorbing that takes all of my attention. Call it a distraction, but I've found stuff that is very meditative and lets my mind rest. That's important because my mind and body don't rest easily...I have to actively work at it. Sometimes I have to search around for something that will work right. I also have to actively find ways to distract myself if overly sad because I do not handle sadness well. I tolerate only minute bits in therapy and little bits on my own. But I have to sort of acknowledge it and yet put a cap on it and just take care of myself.

As for the mj and med stuff, can you call your doctor's office and leave a message and ask to see him soon? When I was having a super rough night I felt a little better after simply leaving a message for my doctor, because I had taken some sort of action to insure taking care of myself and also getting some help.

 

[Little Flower]

I'm going to call him and ask if new regs apply to them. I have kept W use from doc and T because their help has been excellent If I tell them I'm afraid they will react like my x. Get furious. Or my mom and just don't concern themselves with me. Or the police n I get licked up in a soulless hell somewhere. in short. Disappoint them

 

[Chava]

I don't know them but I'd bet they won't act like your x. They will probably be really glad you are honest and be willing to help you.

 

[The Albatross]

@Little Flower in addition to medication withdrawal and booze, you have (in your diary) been doing some very heavy and stressful listing of your traumatic experiences. That is monumentally stressful under the best of circumstances. I haven't ever compiled a list more than what was necessary for a couple shrinks and it was tough and incomplete. Please take into consideration that you've been doing exposure/reliving or experiencing all the stuff you've been posting in your diary and be kind to yourself?

 

[Little Flower]

Hmmm. That's a good thought. It's still very much stuffed in my gut n I haven't even gotten to the horrible stuff that happened with parents when I moved here to help them. I've been raging at my ex because no one ever wants to hear it "It's in the past". But it's still in me eating away at my mind My self esteem n my well being. I gave and gave and gave till I had nothing left to give. That's what I feel like - nothing. Only nothing couldnt possibly hurt like this. I may have given impression I drink a lot. That's just something new. I don't even like it. But it makes the pain go away The w , I don't know how I would have gotten thru taking my mom off dialysis and watching her die slowly. -- the phone calls she make saying. "Please please please come and get me I'm scared. " dad died 4 months before her. She'd never spent a night without him She was hysterical and critically ill.
I guess I drink now because I don't really care what happens to me ? I feel like a freak

 

[The Albatross]

The loss of both parents is an additional stressor. Numbing out grief/bereavement is a temporary short term measure... but it comes with some might big pitfalls.

Your boyfriend cares what happens to you Little Flower. Sometimes when I hit the skids and didn't care anymore, I could dig deep and care about how my behavior affected my mother or my spouse. Something to consider: If I couldn't for myself, I could try to prevent inflicting pain on them.

 

[Little Flower]

I promised him today I would put on some music and talk a walk. I do love him I just don't trust my judgement. I will try today for him