I Think I Am Dying

[The Albatross]

That's a start... shift gears and honor the commitment. When I couldn't do it because of feelings, or love, I could manage to do it out of respect.

 

[shimmerz]

"It's in the past". But it's still in me eating away at my mind

I have the same type of issues with my father's son. Now the grandchildren are here and it seems to be triggering something in me that was in the past but in fact looks like it will be in the future of my grandchildren. Yes, this was in your past but given what has happened with your grandchild I can understand your reaction.

I wish I had words of wisdom for you as I am still working through this myself but the dismissal of others 'get on with things' it seems you are quite rightly reacting to.

I don't know if it helps at all, but I understand what you are saying. You sound better the last couple of posts and hope that is so. Wishing you all of the best.

 

[Chava]

That's just something new. I don't even like it. But it makes the pain go away

I HATED vodka but it made my pain go away. Just saying just be careful (making the pain go away is probably the bit that concerned people just reading it). Drinking for the effect is more risky than drinking for the taste. But I know lots of people drink for that reason too.

 

[Little Flower]

Y'all r all right. I have great difficulty in grieving because any serious amout of crying gives me a migraine which leads to a shot of toridol Which leads to recovery time n eats away any time I have for progress. It's like i can't let the pain out because its out of the frying pan and into the fire ? Complicated PTSD. That sounds like an understatement.
What is therapeutic use vs full blown alcoholism. Some will say there is no grey area but I just have to believe there is

 

[Chava]

I believe there is gray area. There is quite a range. I'm a recovered alcoholic (sober)...was full-blown alcoholic because of how I drank. I could not stop once I started and I could not quit drinking without major hell. So if you're entering a gray area, which is not saying you're an alcoholic, just be cautious if you notice alcohol as a way out for you. Like a black hole it can sort of absorb all other methods of coping and then it becomes a need. For me, it robbed me of other choices because it was so powerful.

I've had no idea how to manage sadness. I actually had to learn in therapy that it was okay for an adult to hug a teddy bear. Some self-soothing skills help a bit, as well as distractions or setting aside all the worry or sadness. For me, it does have to come out in little manageable bits. If I cap it totally out of fear though, it becomes that bigger pit I have to somehow deal with later. It's really hard when I'm really shutdown or depressed, but I have to seek out tiny moments of safety or solitude, joy, humor, or presence to keep a balance or find my way forward.

 

[Little Flower]

Thanks for the black hole reference. I understand the impact of that. I'm in a place of denying my dependence and telling myself I finally have the choice as an adult to
do some things I'd like to do. Enjoying a couple if drinks without 1 some guy trying to pick me up and 2
Not being shamed as if god was gonna slap me upside the face.
I don't give the alcohol ultimate power. To me it's an socially acceptable govt taxed " drug".
I do well not to be a drunk. I would never go out and interact with family if I've been drinking. My daughter n I occasionally enjoy a beer together.
My middle son had alcohol problem
But he's been doing better.
I talked with my sis- in law today I had to apologize for Halloween. She told me they were coming and I said come on. But by dusk I was in bed in total darkness listening to the sound track in my head. By the time I realized some one was knocking they had gone. I was too embarrassed to text them until today I called and apologized. Lil nephew 9 yo. He didnt get upset. He knows his aunt loves him " more than chicken". I just have to get my sh@t together. I didnt even call or write my gson because I was so busy indulging in my sorrows. I gotta wake up my whole life again

 

[Little Flower]

Ps. Was completely sober. Just overwhelmed in grief