I Think I Hate My Therapist

[anthony]

Now, after reading these posts, my T was trying to help me. I see at times I fight against the help.

We all fight it at some point, usually initially until we learn otherwise. I used to sit their, looking at her... and she would play my silly game, as she was an expert with PTSD... and she told me that she can play the silly game all day, but until I wanted to help myself and actually tell her things, tell her the truth, then there was nothing she could do. Plain and simple... I decided years ago that I wanted help, so I stopped blaming my therapist and doctors, and started getting help from them... I never agreed with the meds, but at that point, I thought they knew best, now I know better, hence why I advice people to argue with their shrinks about their meds if they are not happy with the results. I didn't argue and nearly killed myself because they made me more suicidal than I already was.

 

[jesse]

I know a lot of you think I am making excuses but I have been through pretty intense therapy throughout my life and it has helped in the past. When I was a kid I was never allowed to express my emotions or it resulted in physical or verbal abuse so I really do freeze up and really don't know how not to talk about them. This therapist's style just didn't work for me. I need someone to ask me directly about a topic in order to feel it is OK to talk. I told him this multiple times. He brought up the expression "you can't rationalize with an irrational person" almost every session. The last session he was telling me how when he goes to a psych ward and sees one of his patients in a psychotic state he tells himself that. The more I thought about that later the more it bothered me. I think that expression is true for the general public but I think if a T sees someone really sick like that and just shrugs it off with that mantra than its a big cop out. I think maybe he just needs to retire. I can understand how you could get burn out in that field but guys not all T's are good ones.

 

[jesse]

Sorry that second sentence above doesn't make sense I meant to say "I really don't know how to talk about my feelings".

 

[Heather]

my T was trying to help me. I see at times I fight against the help. I am not sure why I do it, but I do. .

I can relate all to well to this. I fight my therapist ALL the time. Argue with him, call him names, DON'T listen to anything he tells me to do/try. EFT works great (on my daughter puts ger right to sleep). The dream technique he told me to try to stop the nightmares works well (for my daughter).

NO WONDER I DON'T FEEL ANY BETTER!!!!!!!

It's like what Anthony said about sitting there and playing games all day. But unless I want to do the work nothing will ever change.

Alli asked me the other night if I wanted to do the work. I said NO. There's my answer. So, even if I hate my therapist and he sucks and unprofessional what difference does it make anyway? I'm not willing to do what's necessary to change my life. I feel perpetually stuck with my feet in cement blocks.

 

[anthony]

I'm not willing to do what's necessary to change my life. I feel perpetually stuck with my feet in cement blocks.

All very very normal... we all have our pinnacle unique to us individually, and until we hit that pinnacle when we individually say, enough, I am over this bullshit and not taking it anymore, I am going to get better, then we feel stuck. I went through it for years prior... drowned it all in alcohol and bad bad bad behaviour... but I broke, and then I hit the pinnacle when nearly killing myself, that was my turning point. Unfortunately the moment of death is usually a majorities turning point... the "oh shit" wakeup moment.

 

[Heather]

I am over this bullshit and not taking it anymore. but I broke, and then I hit the pinnacle when nearly killing myself, that was my turning point. Unfortunately the moment of death is usually a majorities turning point... the "oh shit" wakeup moment.

My therapist said why can't this be my bottom? I guess I'm not there yet. How much worse does my life have to get? How much more self-destructive do I have to become? Lose my home? My kid?

I just have no desire to do anything to help myself. Most of the time I want to give up.

 

[anthony]

The bottom is usually ugly... you know you can always make the decision before you hit the bottom. The idea of this forum is to help others hopefully not keep traveling the same path as some of us, not having to make the same mistakes... hence the whole concept of why this forum exists. Learn from others and don't make the same mistakes, just trust those who made them, its as bad as they say.

 

[Heather]

The bottom is usually ugly. Learn from others and don't make the same mistakes, just trust those who made them, its as bad as they say.

That's a very scary and SOBERING thought. One that I will think long and hard about.
Maybe my therapist is right. This should be my bottom.

 

[jewel]

Anthony, how can we pick ourselves up and help ourselves if we are all we have? I have no support of friends or family. It is more than difficult to rely on only me for support when I am still trying to learn skills to get through each day. Right now this forum and my T is all I have. I am on a downward spiral, I know that. I just don't know how to change it.

 

[anthony]

Anthony, how can we pick ourselves up and help ourselves if we are all we have?

This is the easy part... its called choice. The hard part is implementing it.

I have no support of friends or family. It is more than difficult to rely on only me for support when I am still trying to learn skills to get through each day.

You don't need support of friends and family to heal trauma and learn new coping skills. Its nice... but its not needed. In most cases, in your worst times, you usually find out just who your friends are who truly stick by you, and who aren't. Then you must also look at how much fault you have in those relationships breaking down, ie. if you break down daily, constantly depressed, etc... you must also review how much another can put up with before they must also take care of themselves and remove themself from the situation before they to get dragged down to depression, etc. There is a limit on how painful anyone can be before support around them says, "enough".

People recover by themselves every single day from trauma... you are no different...

Right now this forum and my T is all I have. I am on a downward spiral, I know that. I just don't know how to change it.

You are recognising many things, which means you are self evaluating, which is good. So, if you recognise you're on a downward spiral, then you recognise specific causes to it, you recognise emotions you feel, etc... write things down, read over them, pull your own life apart, put it out here on the forum and ask others specific questions to help yourself find the answers you need. More heads are better than one when it comes to problem solving... which is the power of online communities. You identify specifics vs. writing a novel, you ask specific questions via threads, looking for specific answers... then you review those answers and begin seeing what works for you, what doesn't, maybe even taking bits and pieces and mixing it up for you personally to create a new variant, that you find best.

Regardless how you improve, you demonstrated you have the skills to analyse the negatives, so now identify them all as much as possible right now, start looking at positives, then implement change. As more negatives arise, repeat process... Fear is a negative, and also requires exposure based treatment.

 

[jewel]

Thank you, Anthony. I will think about what you said and try to figure a way to start to become part of the community online. Asking for help is one of my biggest weaknesses. I have always been the one people come to for help not the one who needs it.

 

[becvan]

Anthony, how can we pick ourselves up and help ourselves if we are all we have? I have no support of friends or family..

Anthony is correct, it is our choice. It's also our desire. I was where you are, four years ago. I made really hard choices in order to start healing. At first all I had was the forum when I moved to where I am now. Slowly I built up more supports here (I had to move to recieve proper health care and therapy) and now am reconnected/connecting with supports from my hometown.

I won't lie to you. It was really damn hard. But in a way having not much of a support system also really helped. It gave me a chance to just focus on me and getting better without worrying about hurting others. It also helped me realize how strong I really am and see my strengths instead of always downplaying them. It helped me see the unhealthy relationships in my life and build up healthy ones.

I am also like you in that everyone would come to me to fix it and I wouldn't ask for help no matter what. I've made some improvement on that, but there's always room for more. This forum is a great place to start learning how to do that.

If you want to get better, with or without supports in place, you will. Make the choice and start where you can. I know you can do it.

bec