I think I have ruined my life

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

I'm so stupid. For a moment, just for a while there I allowed myself to think there's a way out of this. That I can do better, be better, save my income, save my place.
For a moment I felt human again.

And then there's NOW.
My job got paused for 2 months.
I lost a week to flashbacks and deep depression. Somehow thought things would fit together and I'll make it one more month.
Somehow I thought some things would come together, I'll get through the next 4 weeks paying what I should, go to my friend for a month and return just on time to start a new job I found. And things would come together. They have not. And I just learned that they will not this morning.
For the last few days I'd gotten over the worst hump in the depression part, and I thought there was hope.
For a bit it seemed like there was hope.

Hope is a scarce commodity. I used it up.
I was so stupid.
It's like I'm repeating the same month again except more tired of life. I'm seeing a friend today, because I'm afraid of the thoughts I'd have if I'm alone.
Though I'm afraid of the thoughts I'd have seeing her too. But it is still safer. Probably.
I know nothing, apparently.

Sometimes its okay not to be okay. Just for a little while. So sorry to hear you feel
this way. There are some brilliant insights from members on this forum- they will help you.
Take a day at a time.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Santa gifted you with several months of AI therapy with Dr. Bloom. It might take a day or so to start, but I hope this will be helpful for you!

 

[MMBB]

I wasn't sure I'd make it til New Year and now occasionally I'm planning for next year. I'm trying.
There are still impossible days, but there are also good days. I'm hopeful I'll eventually pull through. I will owe a lot of gratitude to a lot of people but it's a start. I feel bad for seeking help like that but I was at my wits end.

Planning for things that are further than this week into the future seems like a really good sign to me. Some days it probably feels much easier to do that than others. I get that and I'm with you. I know you will pull through this. The support that you are seeking out may leave you owing a bunch of gratitude, but somehow I think you already have that in spades. The feeling bad for seeking help thing really resonates. I wish there were some wise words or whatever but there never are any that do any good. So, I'll just tell you that you are strong and brave for seeking help. You are doing all the things you can and should. I haven't been able to bring myself to do that outside of with my T so maybe you can be my example. Take heart knowing that others are looking at your story and feeling less alone because of it. I hope you are able to find that same comfort.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Santa gifted you with several months of AI therapy with Dr. Bloom. It might take a day or so to start, but I hope this will be helpful for you!

Wow! Santa is amazing! And I must be unbelievably lucky to keep getting help. I hope it will be helpful too and I am so grateful!

So many people caring about how I do... it's making me remember how to start caring too, if that makes sense.

Things aren't perfect, but I'm trying. Sending hugs if accepted.

Planning for things that are further than this week into the future seems like a really good sign to me.

Me too. Until 2 weeks ago I didn't know how I'd get to December even, let alone new Year- and here it is, made it to December. And I'm even starting to make some, if small, January plans.

Update:
Also going home (however imperfect, but will try to make better) to my retired parents around the holidays and I'll take a month or several weeks to just concentrate on my health and online work during the time. I'm not sure how much they will understand from how I am right now, but I'm not there to fight or explain this time. I'm going to have outings to keep healthy, I'll try keeping mental health routine...

Haven't planned all details but I'm definitely taking my own version of a mental health break. It's not a perfect plan, but my health needs the extra care so I am giving in and doing it.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

It might take a day or so to start, but I hope this will be helpful for you!

How does this work? Do I need to post a thread? Does anyone see it? I saw that I can now open the chat and I think might be able to post but there are no other posts in there so not sure how it works.
How do I know when I can use it and until when?

Anyway, not the most important questions obviously. Wow.

 

[Sideways]

I think might be able to post but there are no other posts in there so not sure how it works.

Just start a thread the same way you do in any other forum. The reason there are in threads in there is that only your own threads will be visible to you.

 

[caroline_13]

Sending hugs if accepted.

Hug accepted

 

[abovedown]

Wow! Santa is amazing! And I must be unbelievably lucky to keep getting help. I hope it will be helpful too and I am so grateful!

So many people caring about how I do... it's making me remember how to start caring too, if that makes sense.

Things aren't perfect, but I'm trying. Sending hugs if accepted.


Me too. Until 2 weeks ago I didn't know how I'd get to December even, let alone new Year- and here it is, made it to December. And I'm even starting to make some, if small, January plans.

Update:
Also going home (however imperfect, but will try to make better) to my retired parents around the holidays and I'll take a month or several weeks to just concentrate on my health and online work during the time. I'm not sure how much they will understand from how I am right now, but I'm not there to fight or explain this time. I'm going to have outings to keep healthy, I'll try keeping mental health routine...

Haven't planned all details but I'm definitely taking my own version of a mental health break. It's not a perfect plan, but my health needs the extra care so I am giving in and doing it.

Is there avway to limit your interaction with them while visiting them? Could you meets your friends or sightseeing during your holidays?

 

[abovedown]

Sorry about the double message

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Is there a way to naturally limit your interaction with them without starting arguments while visiting them? Could you for example meets your friends or sightseeing during your holidays

This was the first thing I thought about. For this trip to make any sense, I need to make it healthy for me.

So I have talked about the situation to some friends. It's a bit far by bus, but I have 2 friends working from home, who wouldn't mind me working from their homes as well (I have done so before with one of them, now I have second option). A third friend offered me laptop he doesn't use temporarily(mine is old) - so I can work in cafes while being there and such. My best friend from high school who I haven't visited in a while will be there around New Year for a week. And I may visit my brother and my niece for few days in January as well for another small break. I'll also see if my health insurance can provide, or if I can pay for any intermitten therapy while there.

So because my parents live at the edge of the city, no matter what I'm doing- going outside means losing the whole day one way or another. It would be too much doing so every day, but I figure if I try being out of the house 3 days a week, sometimes 4, that will be good enough balance to cope with arguments and stress at home.
I just have to make sure my budget is enough, for transportation and even if working at friend's- for lunch and such.

But I think this is a good compromise, I just need to make it happen. For everyone's sake.
And I will try to limit arguments by being upfront what this trip is about and that I'll have good and bad days and what that means with my parents. Not sure how they will take it, but as I said. Full honesty/transparency and going out 3 times a week should be an okay plan. I really hope.

 

[abovedown]

This was the first thing I thought about. For this trip to make any sense, I need to make it healthy for me.

So I have talked about the situation to some friends. It's a bit far by bus, but I have 2 friends working from home, who wouldn't mind me working from their homes as well (I have done so before with one of them, now I have second option). A third friend offered me laptop he doesn't use temporarily(mine is old) - so I can work in cafes while being there and such. My best friend from high school who I haven't visited in a while will be there around New Year for a week. And I may visit my brother and my niece for few days in January as well for another small break. I'll also see if my health insurance can provide, or if I can pay for any intermitten therapy while there.

So because my parents live at the edge of the city, no matter what I'm doing- going outside means losing the whole day one way or another. It would be too much doing so every day, but I figure if I try being out of the house 3 days a week, sometimes 4, that will be good enough balance to cope with arguments and stress at home.
I just have to make sure my budget is enough, for transportation and even if working at friend's- for lunch and such.

But I think this is a good compromise, I just need to make it happen. For everyone's sake.
And I will try to limit arguments by being upfront what this trip is about and that I'll have good and bad days and what that means with my parents. Not sure how they will take it, but as I said. Full honesty/transparency and going out 3 times a week should be an okay plan. I really hope.

Your friends sound awesome. I hope you have a good trip

 

[MMBB]

Your friends sound awesome. I hope you have a good trip

I agree! These sound like some great people to surround yourself with. I hope your trip is successful and calm.