Hello all, first time posting but I’ve been lurking and learning so much from your experiences.
My guy has combat PTSD and a TBI. He’s been open about it from the time we started dating earlier this year. When we met, I was impressed at how open about it he was and how proactive he was in his treatment (therapy and meds regularly). There were a few little moments when the illness might surface here and there but overall, it was manageable for him and didn’t hurt our relationship at all.
Fast forward to October: I’m still processing what happened. I experienced a full-fledged meltdown with my guy for the first time... it was scary. I guess he started to isolate in September now that I’m writing this out but he was still being mindful of his behaviors and acknowledged he needed to make some changes. Anyways, October: it was bad. He fell apart and disappeared on me for the first time ever and I freaked. When he showed back up he was doing the push-pull I’ve read about so many times here. It was heartbreaking. He let me know he’s off his meds and hasn’t been to therapy in months. I was floored as I had no idea he’d become non-compliant but grateful for the possible explanation for such a dramatic shift in his behavior.
Anyways, my post isn’t to air his dirty laundry or talk about his bad behavior... it seems like you have all experienced your own versions of the same. I want to talk about my crappy reaction to an even crappier situation.
I thought I’d done enough research when I met him to know how to handle/help him. I didn’t: I found out quickly I was totally unprepared for this. Someone on here said this was like walking through a field of rakes blindfolded and I couldn’t agree more. I think everything I did made him worse.
For about three weeks after the Grand Meltdown, I held on, said “we got this babe.” I showed love. I accepted apologies. I tried to understand. But after three weeks of this, he still wouldn’t physically see me. (Everything had been via phone or text.) And that was where I lost my patience. My love languages are quality time and physical touch and neither of those needs were being met and after talking in circles about it and feeling my needs and feelings were being invalidated over and over, I lost my temper and I broke it off in a moment of anger. In any normal relationship, that crap wouldn’t fly... But I realize now my guy can’t give me a normal relationship.
Anyways, I stood my ground. It’s been a little over a month now in an attempt to set and maintain boundaries and Im starting to think I really screwed up.
We’ve been in touch weekly as I initiate; I check in on him because I’m afraid for him and I feel SO guilty for walking away. He answers, but it’s short, understandably. I’m satisfied just to know he’s still alive. My own anxiety has been through the roof.
Since before the Grand Meltdown, I’ve been seeing a therapist for me (who can’t use a good mental health tune up from time to time?) I specifically chose her because she has experience with vets, PTSD and TBI and hoped to gain insight there. I continue to visit her, even after the split. I research like I’ve never researched before. The Stress Cup was like a revelation! But am I putting the work in too late? Did I botch the whole thing already? Why is this learning curve so steep?!
I miss my guy. I believe in my guy. This space has given me time to clear my head and the fact that I love him deeply is more resounding than ever.
So. I wait. I sent an email about 10 days ago (thinkongnemail would be less overwhelming than our normal texts) and laid out my apology for my part in this mess. I can own that and learn from it. I let him know I still miss him like crazy and that he’s still loved. I let him know that I had no expectations by telling him so and that there was no pressure to respond. He never did acknowledge it and I’m okay with that. But texting is slowly improving. He has shown me some art he’s been working on. I try to keep what I say consice and caring.
I don’t know if he’s back in treatment or on meds and I don’t know if i should ask.
Phew, that was more than I meant to write. So the question I guess I’m really asking of all you other supporters is this: how did you handle your own learning curves? How did you bounce back from the mistakes you made with your sufferer in the beginning? While breaking up might not have been the right choice in retrospect, I appreciate the clarity I was able to get from the space.
I understand a relationship might not be a possibility right now but I am certain I want to be here to love and support him, if he’d allow it.
My guy has combat PTSD and a TBI. He’s been open about it from the time we started dating earlier this year. When we met, I was impressed at how open about it he was and how proactive he was in his treatment (therapy and meds regularly). There were a few little moments when the illness might surface here and there but overall, it was manageable for him and didn’t hurt our relationship at all.
Fast forward to October: I’m still processing what happened. I experienced a full-fledged meltdown with my guy for the first time... it was scary. I guess he started to isolate in September now that I’m writing this out but he was still being mindful of his behaviors and acknowledged he needed to make some changes. Anyways, October: it was bad. He fell apart and disappeared on me for the first time ever and I freaked. When he showed back up he was doing the push-pull I’ve read about so many times here. It was heartbreaking. He let me know he’s off his meds and hasn’t been to therapy in months. I was floored as I had no idea he’d become non-compliant but grateful for the possible explanation for such a dramatic shift in his behavior.
Anyways, my post isn’t to air his dirty laundry or talk about his bad behavior... it seems like you have all experienced your own versions of the same. I want to talk about my crappy reaction to an even crappier situation.
I thought I’d done enough research when I met him to know how to handle/help him. I didn’t: I found out quickly I was totally unprepared for this. Someone on here said this was like walking through a field of rakes blindfolded and I couldn’t agree more. I think everything I did made him worse.
For about three weeks after the Grand Meltdown, I held on, said “we got this babe.” I showed love. I accepted apologies. I tried to understand. But after three weeks of this, he still wouldn’t physically see me. (Everything had been via phone or text.) And that was where I lost my patience. My love languages are quality time and physical touch and neither of those needs were being met and after talking in circles about it and feeling my needs and feelings were being invalidated over and over, I lost my temper and I broke it off in a moment of anger. In any normal relationship, that crap wouldn’t fly... But I realize now my guy can’t give me a normal relationship.
Anyways, I stood my ground. It’s been a little over a month now in an attempt to set and maintain boundaries and Im starting to think I really screwed up.
We’ve been in touch weekly as I initiate; I check in on him because I’m afraid for him and I feel SO guilty for walking away. He answers, but it’s short, understandably. I’m satisfied just to know he’s still alive. My own anxiety has been through the roof.
Since before the Grand Meltdown, I’ve been seeing a therapist for me (who can’t use a good mental health tune up from time to time?) I specifically chose her because she has experience with vets, PTSD and TBI and hoped to gain insight there. I continue to visit her, even after the split. I research like I’ve never researched before. The Stress Cup was like a revelation! But am I putting the work in too late? Did I botch the whole thing already? Why is this learning curve so steep?!
I miss my guy. I believe in my guy. This space has given me time to clear my head and the fact that I love him deeply is more resounding than ever.
So. I wait. I sent an email about 10 days ago (thinkongnemail would be less overwhelming than our normal texts) and laid out my apology for my part in this mess. I can own that and learn from it. I let him know I still miss him like crazy and that he’s still loved. I let him know that I had no expectations by telling him so and that there was no pressure to respond. He never did acknowledge it and I’m okay with that. But texting is slowly improving. He has shown me some art he’s been working on. I try to keep what I say consice and caring.
I don’t know if he’s back in treatment or on meds and I don’t know if i should ask.
Phew, that was more than I meant to write. So the question I guess I’m really asking of all you other supporters is this: how did you handle your own learning curves? How did you bounce back from the mistakes you made with your sufferer in the beginning? While breaking up might not have been the right choice in retrospect, I appreciate the clarity I was able to get from the space.
I understand a relationship might not be a possibility right now but I am certain I want to be here to love and support him, if he’d allow it.
