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Undiagnosed I think I was molested and I am feeling lost.

C

catastrophicari

Hello. I’m not really sure where to begin with all of this so I’ll just flat out say it—I’m remembering a lot of things from my childhood and I believe that I was molested as a child by one of my older cousins by a few years.

We’re both girls. My earliest memory that has shown up in my head is the two of us being put in the bathtub together. For context we were both very young but I remember her putting me on her lap and kissing me, french kissing. I vividly remember my grandma who I was living with at the time yelling at her to get me off of her lap but nothing else.

I don’t know if there was any discipline or discussion, but I know the instances of her kissing me and touching me continuing. I didn’t really understand it, I don’t even remember how old I was but I left that environment when I was nine years old, and before that the two years I remember were fine and can’t recall any of those instances, so I was either 7 years old or younger.

Anyways, there were a few more instances like that where she would french kiss me, and then eventually she showed me porn. Watching it was something that I struggled with a lot later in life as a child and I now realize that she was responsible. This is all very strange to me because before now—for reference, I am 20 years old—I have always remembered my cousin in a postive light. She was nice. We played together often. She was probably my best friend. I realize she might not have even realized what she was doing because she was a child herself but now I am not so sure about anything.

What’s funny is that a few years ago after I moved away, she reached out to me and apologized for the things she did when we were children. I didn’t even remember those things she was speaking of, I just remember getting a really horrible feeling in my stomach, and then I deleted the message and moved on.

And now… I am remembering the things she did and what happened and I don’t know what to do or how to talk about it. I’m angry at my grandmother for allowing this to happen but I don’t know what she could have done at the same time. I’m scared to tell anyone because I fear how my family will react. I just don’t know what to do and I feel very lost and kind of in shock.
 
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I want to first acknowledge your courage in sharing your story and the difficult memories you are experiencing. It's understandable to feel a mix of emotions like confusion, anger, fear, and shock as you process these memories from your childhood. It's important to remember that these feelings are valid, and it's okay to seek support and help to navigate through them.

Recognizing and understanding the impact of childhood trauma, especially related to abuse, can be overwhelming and confusing. It's common for memories to resurface later in life, and it's a positive step that you are reaching out for support now. Connecting with others who have experienced similar situations can provide you with a sense of validation and understanding that you are not alone in this journey.

I encourage you to consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma, such as a trauma psychologist or trauma-informed therapist. Talking to a professional can help you process your feelings, memories, and navigate through the complexities of your experiences in a safe and supportive environment.

In addition to professional help, you may find it beneficial to connect with others who have experienced trauma through online peer support communities like myptsd.com. There are specific forums on the site dedicated to discussing topics related to PTSD and CPTSD, where you can share your story, ask questions, and receive support from individuals who understand what you're going through.

Remember, healing from trauma takes time, patience, and self-compassion. It's important to prioritize your well-being and take small steps towards healing and finding support. You are not alone in this journey, and there are resources and communities available to support you.
 
Welcome to the community!

First off? >>> Sexual Assault - Are you wondering if you were raped? read this first.

Secondly? It’s not talked about much, outside of scientific & academic & sex/sexuality circles in the JudeoChristian West…But? The actual science says that well over 90% of children (cross culturally) experiment sexually, usually with siblings, whilst most of the rest of the 10% do with friends. It’s a teeeeny tiny minority who don’t (which is a flashing neon sign for sexual abuse, or COCSA).

COULD you have been experiencing your cousin acting out her own abuse? Sure. Totally possible. It’s just more likely, given what you’ve described, to be healthy/normal early childhood development & experimenting/processing what’s around them. The same way kids play cops & robbers, or used to play cowboys & Indians, but are not the kids of cops, criminals, or cowboys, or Indians. It’s in their sphere, so they process by play, but it’s not part of their daily lives. And the adults in their lives? Handle it by putting a stop to it, because sex & sexuality is very weighted in the west. “Only” in XYZ circumstance. (If you love them, if you’re married, “If it’s oral it’s moral, as for the rest? Marriage is best.”, when a mommy and a daddy, etc.). Other cultures handle kids experimenting sexually differently.

So if it IS causing you problems? Hit up therapy.

If you THINK IT SHOULD, BUT ISNT causing you problems? Honey Chile. No worries. Totally normal, is also a thing.
 
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Welcome to the site! You have found a special place indeed! I am sorry about the experiences that bring you here.

You are doing the best thing by reaching out here, as you will discover that you are not alone. And you are young. Many of us have waited until we were deeper into adulthood before we delved into our childhood trauma. Or, till it stopped us in our tracks.

I was molested by my brother and a couple others…unsupervised and too much time with the wrong people. Being a preacher’s kid didn't help…

Blessings to you and your journey ☮️💟
AKJ
 
I’m not sure about you because I don’t know what you remember I echo @Friday that kids experiment with each other.

Honestly it sounds to me like your cousin was abused and remembers what happened between you and wonders if she hurt you like someone hurt her.

If you think it was abuse, maybe you should reach out to a therapist and try to work it out.
 
Welcome to the community!

First off? >>> Sexual Assault - Are you wondering if you were raped? read this first.

Secondly? It’s not talked about much, outside of scientific & academic & sex/sexuality circles in the JudeoChristian West…But? The actual science says that well over 90% of children (cross culturally) experiment sexually, usually with siblings, whilst most of the rest of the 10% do with friends. It’s a teeeeny tiny minority who don’t (which is a flashing neon sign for sexual abuse, or COCSA).

COULD you have been experiencing your cousin acting out her own abuse? Sure. Totally possible. It’s just more likely, given what you’ve described, to be healthy/normal early childhood development & experimenting/processing what’s around them. The same way kids play cops & robbers, or used to play cowboys & Indians, but are not the kids of cops, criminals, or cowboys, or Indians. It’s in their sphere, so they process by play, but it’s not part of their daily lives. And the adults in their lives? Handle it by putting a stop to it, because sex & sexuality is very weighted in the west. “Only” in XYZ circumstance. (If you love them, if you’re married, “If it’s oral it’s moral, as for the rest? Marriage is best.”, when a mommy and a daddy, etc.). Other cultures handle kids experimenting sexually differently.

So if it IS causing you problems? Hit up therapy.

If you THINK IT SHOULD, BUT ISNT causing you problems? Honey Chile. No worries. Totally normal, is also a thing.
It's the first time I have heard...“If it’s oral it’s moral, as for the rest? Marriage is best.” At what age exactly would you say that to a child?

In some cultures doing 'oral' shows a greater emotional commitment than intercourse.

As a young boy, at 5yo, I remember being shocked when I saw my mother kiss my baby brother's genitals after she had bathed him and then she covered his penis and scrotum with her mouth while cooing and giggling. When I told her to stop she told me off and said that it was OK because he was so cute. At what point does parental affection become incest? I was only 5 and so confused that when I was 7yo and a male (53yo) family friend unzipped my pants and performed oral sex on me I thought of my mum telling me that it's OK, it's just a way of expressing affection. This went on for 3 years for which he would give me a bag of lollies each time. I was young, innocent (and some would say, stupid).

I understand how shocked catastrophicari feels. I'm still shocked by the things that happened to me as a child and felt very alone for many years. It made me feel very different from all my friends. I'm 68yo now and still it's difficult to process CSA and I think COCSA would be just as difficult to process because, in spite of the various cultural nuances, there could be 'power plays' that might even suggest behaviour bordering on rape.

Whatever, I still get upset and wish I could feel what real innocence is.
 
Hello. I’m not really sure where to begin with all of this so I’ll just flat out say it—I’m remembering a lot of things from my childhood and I believe that I was molested as a child by one of my older cousins by a few years.

We’re both girls. My earliest memory that has shown up in my head is the two of us being put in the bathtub together. For context we were both very young but I remember her putting me on her lap and kissing me, french kissing. I vividly remember my grandma who I was living with at the time yelling at her to get me off of her lap but nothing else.

I don’t know if there was any discipline or discussion, but I know the instances of her kissing me and touching me continuing. I didn’t really understand it, I don’t even remember how old I was but I left that environment when I was nine years old, and before that the two years I remember were fine and can’t recall any of those instances, so I was either 7 years old or younger.

Anyways, there were a few more instances like that where she would french kiss me, and then eventually she showed me porn.

This is all very strange to me because before now—for reference, I am 20 years old—I have always remembered my cousin in a postive light. She was nice. We played together often. She was probably my best friend. I realize she might not have even realized what she was doing because she was a child herself but now I am not so sure about anything.

What’s funny is that a few years ago after I moved away, she reached out to me and apologized for the things she did when we were children. I didn’t even remember those things she was speaking of,
And now… I am remembering the things she did and what happened and I don’t know what to do or how to talk about it. I’m angry at my grandmother for allowing this to happen but I don’t know what she could have done at the same time. I’m scared to tell anyone because I fear how my family will react.
I'm sorry you're feeling lost and in shock about all of this... it sounds like you've got alot going on in your head and body about these memories, trying to make sense of them, trying to navigate how you think and what others will feel about it all...

I think follow your gut...

You've said..
I just don’t know what to do and I feel very lost and kind of in shock.
And..
I just remember getting a really horrible feeling in my stomach, and then I deleted the message and moved on.
And
Watching it was something that I struggled with a lot later in life as a child and I now realize that she was responsible.
The body keeps the score.... the body doesn't lie... whether it's the actual trauma / event at the time, or looking back and trying to make sense of it.. or both, you're needing to work things through in yourself so you can understand it and be more at peace with it...

If your cousin's experience was abuse and she was playing it out on you, this doesn't make her the victim in your experience. It makes her a victim of her own abuse but it also means the abuse she experienced was then transferred on to you in a different form (consistent french kissing, with touching, at that age goes beyond experimentation in my book and according to listed age-appropriate behaviours as per what I've read). She won't have had intention to hurt you in the same way as an adult, or even at all. But that doesn't mean your experience wasn't of violation.

You don't talk of reciprocity in your experience. You don't speak of feeling equals in that dynamic. You talk of having these things done TO you. There's a sense of you potentially being used for her need to process what she was experiencing. I'm not sure it's ok at any age to be sat on someone elses lap and have them french kiss you and touch you whenever they want. Especially not at that age when you have no idea what is going on. Just because you were both kids means nothing to your body or nervous system if it processed the experience as being violated.

You talk of anger towards you grandma and maybe this was because realistically she was the only one who could have stopped that dynamic from happening out of all 3 of you... because you were both so young

I think the first thing to do is find a therapist who has experience of cocsa or SA (cocsa is better) and talk through everything to try to get straight in your own head what happened, what this means to you before going to your family, (if you're worried of their reaction). You may find working through it with someone else is easier and you don't need them knowing for a while anyway... Don't do this work for them, do it for you.

Feel free to ignore any suggestions. Different people will read your post and make different sense out of it. I read it like this but obviously take what makes sense and feels right from anyone's post.
 
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