I Think I'm Done.

[Innordinate]

The thing is. The spartans just fought and fought until they died. They never had to learn to live with not fighting. I had to fight to survive my childhood but now... I have no one to fight but myself. And it's hard to tell who's winning.

Specially on days like today when one thing after another goes wrong. Not things I can control but I feel like I should have the control.

:(

 

[heidi]

I feel ya.
Interesting what you said about history and PTSD. I'm going to be thinking about that for the longest time. All those haunting old photographs of people. That's the most interesting thing I've thought about in a while.

 

[Lionheart]

Innordinate,

This thread reminds me of where I used to be in terms of struggling to get better and I just wanted you to know that if you will keep trudging forward and stay on a healing path that it will get better. You can have a better quality of life without feelings of powerlessness or hopelessness interfering with your sense of peace and happiness all the time.

I know for a fact just how tired of the journey one can become. I was once at a point where I believe I could've seriously lied down and 'gave up the ghost'. Somehow, I managed to hope against hope and keep going in spite of the fact that I believed I had no reason to continue. Today I am thrilled that I made the decision to 'keep on keeping on' and I am happy that you seem to have made that same decision!!!

I hope you will take away some hope and encouragement from the support you receive. It takes time and effort, but life can be much better than what you now struggle with... You may still have good days and bad days, but they will not always be so intense and overwhelming. At least this has been true for me *(and I am a survivor of severe prolonged child abuse).

I wish you the very best for your healing and your life,
Peace,
Lion

 

[Wordgirl]

Lionheart, your post gave me my dose of hope for the day. Thank you. xo

 

[Wordgirl]

Inordinate, I read through this entire thread just now because I think that every post is important. The one thing that stood out for me, though, is you mentioned your depression. Are you getting treatment for it?

I finally found relief after years of trying this drug and that... I found the doctor who diagnosed my ptsd. He discovered that the one anti-depressant that addressed serotonin did not work without another that addressed another chemical in the brain, I'm thinking it's norepinepherine, but I'm not sure. With my depression under control, I have a fighting chance to deal with the flashbacks and the hyper-vigilance, my ever present twin miseries. :eek:

Your depression probably won't go away by itself - so please bring that up with a healthcare professional. Most of the anti-depressants that were so expensive 5 years ago are now available in generic form, so they are mostly affordable.

Keep posting. I have been praying for you - and for all members of this forum. I figure it can't hurt, and might help. Who knows?

Your children are blessed and they don't even know it. They have you, and I think you're very special!!

((((Hug))))

 

[Innordinate]

I see a psychiatrist in Sept. Long wait but. It's something anyways.

 

[jusrockinout]

Innordinate, I feel similar to how you have described. I am not you, nor have I been through your trauma, but I understand something of it. I too feel like I have had enough. I have lived for 21 years and have had to struggle, manipulate, and experience aweful things that people should never have to experience. I have recently come to accept my pain and no longer down play my experiences as they are not as "severe" as others. I have accepted that I have ptsd. I have accepted that I need help. I have also accepted that this is not the only way to live. I know that there is more to life--that honestly does not always change my feelings. I also know that because of my experiences, that I do not sense, understand or process reality like I should...

I feel like a shell of a person, but I am told it gets better, and I have to trust day by day that it does.

I know I cannot help you solve your problems, but I hope that my 2 cents does something.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes I think we get to this point because we are run down. It's too big a burden to carry. Need to find a way to change or integrate that (it).

 

[jusrockinout]

That's the point were I am at. I have done some work, but have not taken it as seriously as needed...(wasn't aware???) I guess that is a good thing about e-motion, it should cause one to act--healthily.

The old adage, "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger," seems to ring a bell I suppose.