LoveHimThroughIt
Bronze Member
OK, so I've figured out how I can be ok with things. I have learned to accept the things that are out of my control and my PTSD Support Groups are all Ministry Based so I'm learning to give it to God and let Him fill me up in the ways my Vet can't. I am working on my emotional response to things and being at peace with the things I can't control.
My Vet did share with me that September, October and November are "bad months" for him. He is technology averse and he isolates and withdraws. They are also bad months for me, for other reasons. I'm taking the steps to work through my own issues.
I know that during September, when he isolated, I was blindsided and so I reacted badly. I didn't know any details then that I do now and I thought he was breaking up with me. He was not. He stopped calling, sent my calls to voicemail, ignored texts. It hurt a lot because I didn't know. It doesn't hurt when he does that anymore because I know now that he's both protecting me from himself and taking care of his needs.
In October, I understood not to take things personally, but I was walking on eggshells a lot, trying to figure out the balancing act. Do I text him or don't I? I stopped trying to call him at all. When we were face to face and I told him that I never knew whether it was ok to text him or not, or call him, so I had backed off so as not to stress him out, he let out a very loud sigh and said "Just be yourself." I explained that I didn't want to overwhelm him and he said that he would let me know if things got to be too much, or he would just ignore what I was sending him.
So, end of October we had the conversation "November is a worse month than September was" and I thanked him for sharing and said that I would prepare myself for little to no interaction in November (because September was one text a week max) and he said "No, I won't let that happen again." I, in turn, let him know that during this difficult month I would send him good morning and good night texts, as well as the occasional email, video message or voicemail if there was something I wanted to share that would be too much to text. (that is what I did prior to September - Just being me). I would do this to let him know that I was still there, and thinking of him, and not going anywhere. He was good with that.
Both of us have kept our promises. He has not gone more than 3 to 4 days without texting me. I am sending him GM and GN daily and on occasion, I send him something else. I've left one voicemail and sent one video message. I've probably emailed him once each week - almost a summary of the things I wanted to share. He's been very responsive on the good days and unresponsive on the bad days, but he's kept his promise and I have learned to be thankful and to focus on what we do have, rather than what we don't. I am keeping my promise because actions speak louder than words and follow through is important.
I've spent most of November thinking about that "Just be yourself" conversation. The girl that he adored was the girl he met before September happened. The one who wasn't hyper focused on PTSD. I let PTSD become a third party in our relationship. I realized that what he must have loved about me prior to this was that he could talk to me about whatever, and there was no elephant in the room. I also realize that my inability in the previous months, to cope effectively, has given him a lot of guilt. So, I want to now show him, through my actions and behaviors, that I am good and I'm back to being myself.
I'm not saying that PTSD isn't part of our relationship or that I should forget about it. I know that he is always fighting his demons, and that I need to be cognizant of the PTSD so that I don't take related behaviors personally. However, I need to go back to having boring day-to-day conversations about what I'm making for dinner, or the new song I heard on the radio and loved, or something my dog did, rather than walking on eggshells. He will let me know if he wants me to stop texting or sharing. I know that deep down he doesn't want me to stop or he would have said so. I also know (from his own words) that for him, no response is a response. By him not responding he is saying "I still want you to message me."
There was a great quote in another post (which was taken from a blog) that really spoke to me.
"He doesn't want a mirror following him around reflecting his pain, frustration and misery. He wants a lovely woman to look at, one that beams up at him, smiling at the man who belongs to only her, telling him straight how good it is that he is there in her life and how no one else could replace him."
~The Veterans PTSD Project
So, to the Combat Veterans: I've thought and I've made educated guesses, but am I on point? Are you basically looking for your supporters to be understanding of the PTSD, but not to focus on it so much? Does our day-to-day offer you a distraction, and allow you to shift your focus for a time?
Can you share what would be the best supporter behavior in your opinion? Not saying I'm going to be the best, but I am certainly going to try to be the best ME that I can be. I want to support him the best that I can.
My Vet did share with me that September, October and November are "bad months" for him. He is technology averse and he isolates and withdraws. They are also bad months for me, for other reasons. I'm taking the steps to work through my own issues.
I know that during September, when he isolated, I was blindsided and so I reacted badly. I didn't know any details then that I do now and I thought he was breaking up with me. He was not. He stopped calling, sent my calls to voicemail, ignored texts. It hurt a lot because I didn't know. It doesn't hurt when he does that anymore because I know now that he's both protecting me from himself and taking care of his needs.
In October, I understood not to take things personally, but I was walking on eggshells a lot, trying to figure out the balancing act. Do I text him or don't I? I stopped trying to call him at all. When we were face to face and I told him that I never knew whether it was ok to text him or not, or call him, so I had backed off so as not to stress him out, he let out a very loud sigh and said "Just be yourself." I explained that I didn't want to overwhelm him and he said that he would let me know if things got to be too much, or he would just ignore what I was sending him.
So, end of October we had the conversation "November is a worse month than September was" and I thanked him for sharing and said that I would prepare myself for little to no interaction in November (because September was one text a week max) and he said "No, I won't let that happen again." I, in turn, let him know that during this difficult month I would send him good morning and good night texts, as well as the occasional email, video message or voicemail if there was something I wanted to share that would be too much to text. (that is what I did prior to September - Just being me). I would do this to let him know that I was still there, and thinking of him, and not going anywhere. He was good with that.
Both of us have kept our promises. He has not gone more than 3 to 4 days without texting me. I am sending him GM and GN daily and on occasion, I send him something else. I've left one voicemail and sent one video message. I've probably emailed him once each week - almost a summary of the things I wanted to share. He's been very responsive on the good days and unresponsive on the bad days, but he's kept his promise and I have learned to be thankful and to focus on what we do have, rather than what we don't. I am keeping my promise because actions speak louder than words and follow through is important.
I've spent most of November thinking about that "Just be yourself" conversation. The girl that he adored was the girl he met before September happened. The one who wasn't hyper focused on PTSD. I let PTSD become a third party in our relationship. I realized that what he must have loved about me prior to this was that he could talk to me about whatever, and there was no elephant in the room. I also realize that my inability in the previous months, to cope effectively, has given him a lot of guilt. So, I want to now show him, through my actions and behaviors, that I am good and I'm back to being myself.
I'm not saying that PTSD isn't part of our relationship or that I should forget about it. I know that he is always fighting his demons, and that I need to be cognizant of the PTSD so that I don't take related behaviors personally. However, I need to go back to having boring day-to-day conversations about what I'm making for dinner, or the new song I heard on the radio and loved, or something my dog did, rather than walking on eggshells. He will let me know if he wants me to stop texting or sharing. I know that deep down he doesn't want me to stop or he would have said so. I also know (from his own words) that for him, no response is a response. By him not responding he is saying "I still want you to message me."
There was a great quote in another post (which was taken from a blog) that really spoke to me.
"He doesn't want a mirror following him around reflecting his pain, frustration and misery. He wants a lovely woman to look at, one that beams up at him, smiling at the man who belongs to only her, telling him straight how good it is that he is there in her life and how no one else could replace him."
~The Veterans PTSD Project
So, to the Combat Veterans: I've thought and I've made educated guesses, but am I on point? Are you basically looking for your supporters to be understanding of the PTSD, but not to focus on it so much? Does our day-to-day offer you a distraction, and allow you to shift your focus for a time?
Can you share what would be the best supporter behavior in your opinion? Not saying I'm going to be the best, but I am certainly going to try to be the best ME that I can be. I want to support him the best that I can.
