Sufferer I Think It's Time...

[Snowflake]

I think it's time I introduce myself. I have a difficult time talking and sharing. It comes down to trust and the fear that no one really cares about me so why share. Anyhow, I am in my late 40's, married and have 2 wonderful children in college. None of them know about the true me-wouldn't be fair to my kids, and my husband is emotionally & verbally abusive-so I don't care to tell him anything. He hates I am in therapy and thinks I am nuts....well I probably am. Anyhow I was diagnosed with CPTSD and major depression about 15 years ago, when my kids were young and marital and family issues were rough. I had a social worker who was great but not trained in trauma so about 2 years ago I began to look for a trauma therapist and found one who specialized in emdr. I see her 2x per week and have done about 15 EMDR sessions. Okay so me- I grew up on 500+ acres- and my only playmates were my moms brother and family and my dads brother and family. We were poor, struggled and my parents were strict. If I cried my mom chased me around with her breasts out saying suck the titty baba you baby. I had pets killed for not being a good girl. I was whipped with belt and tree branch for speaking when not given permission, and when I wet my bed (which happened often-till 10) my nose would be rubbed in my sheets and I would have to stay in my wet bed for the night. That's if I didn't have my dad come "clean me". I remember being little laying in my parents bed as they had sex, but using me as a object to foreplay with. I guess it was normal to have my cousins or brothers touch and play with my body till I was 18. My cousins were evil, threatening, and sadistic. I was burned with cigarette, a knife was used and even a gun if I moved when they were "playing" with me. My cousins even shot my cat when I didn't do things to them. I was urinated on as well. There was an uncle too. As I said it was considered normal . I became depressed in college and my mom said I was schizophrenic and suicidal so I was admitted into a hospital. Once I was released I shut down until 15 years ago. I have no support but my therapist -my brothers have little to no contact with me, my sisters feel and say it was normal and that my parents tried the best that they could. My father has passed and my mother health is failing and still looks at me as if I am different than the rest. So now I struggle with talking and sharing. There's a lot of stuff and I don't trust easily.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Well, a late welcome to the forums :hug:

I'm glad you came out and introduced yourself :) I'm glad you are here with us

 

[Poofycat]

Thanks for the introduction @Snowflake. It's really great that you're working through these issues.

Just know that none of that shit was normal. And I mean this in a super supportive way. You have every right to feel protective of yourself right now. Hopefully sharing when you're ready will be a healing experience.

 

[cat-lady]

Hi Snowflake, glad you are here. I also had pets killed. It's a very hard thing to deal with. I believe they are in a better place and I enjoy spoiling the cats I now have. It still gets to me though.

As far as I understand it's very common for abusive parents to try to claim that their kids have disorders that make them delusional. In case the kids start to speak out they want everyone to already think they're crazy and thus that it's not true. My parents tried the same thing.

Anyway, you're not alone. I know how it is to come from a family like that. Good to meet you :)

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Oh, Snowflake, what a sad story! My heart aches for that poor little girl! I'm glad you're doing EMDR. I am, too, and feel really hopeful about it.

I'm glad you're here with people who know you're not insane. :hug: if you accept

 

[intothelight]

@Snowflake Welcome! :)

I am sorry you had to grow up that way and glad you are addressing the effects. I hope you find therapy, and the support of members here beneficial to your healing.