I Think My Roommate May Very Well Be A Narcissist. Advice Needed.

[Justmehere]

wait, wait, wait... messing around with other people's mail and/or access to the mail is a freaking felony in the US. This is your legal residence, and they are delaying access to your mail delivered here, and holding the mail of others and delaying their access to it, and they could go to prison for it. Ugh.

I am amazed by this nonsense you have to deal with. I would set clear boundaries and maybe consider telling them if they continue to mess with the mail, then you will consider it a breach of the lease and move out. I would look up any information about "constructive eviction" - or read your agreement with her very carefully and if she is violating any part of it, hold her to it.

Boundaries. The more you can set boundaries, the more these kinds of folks will go away. Hopefully.

 

[Flowers In Bloom]

@Justmehere I just received the mailbox key. This was an ongoing situation between my roommate and I and suddenly she had no problem getting it for me. I suspect she had a copy of it the whole time.

She sent me a text telling me where she placed it and I decided not to respond. She sent me two more texts an hour later asking me to let her now that I got the key from the place she left it. It's definitely controlling behavior on her part. I decided not to respond to any of her text messages and if she asks me about them, I'm going to tell her I never received the texts asking me to confirm receipt of the mailbox key (I already deleted them).

I'm thinking it's best for me to act like a mean girl towards her. Stay composed and cool, keep responses to her short, simple, and to the point, and lie to her. I even think that maybe I should adopt a fake persona with her and say mean things, like she does to me, without getting emotionally involved. This is all very different from who I am, but I'm thinking this could be the best strategy.

She still thinks at this point that I'm a really nice, honest person and I think it's important that I change that. What do you think?

Also, she has a key to my room because she considers herself the landlord in this situation. It's very concerning to me. I know narcissists will stop at nothing -- my mother used to steal my stuff (and much worse) and I once knew a narcissist that faked his own death (he wanted to hurt me, but I immediately knew it was a lie when I heard about it.) I've been fired from jobs because of narcissists, etc. I am in the process of trying to find a new place, but I must find a place before I give her notice, so I'm not left without a place to live.

 

[Justmehere]

Stay composed and cool, keep responses to her short, simple, and to the point,

This is an excellent idea.

I even think that maybe I should adopt a fake persona with her and say mean things, like she does to me, without getting emotionally involved.

Stooping to her level will likely only add fuel to her fire, inadvertently cause her to escalate, and really gives her what she wants. Even if it doesn't do those things, it's still her being in control of who you are and how you respond. It's you changing you to respond to her. It's you being someone who isn't really you.

If she considers herself the landlord, this actually gives you more rights - you would have to check your laws in your state. Most states require landlords to do certain things or it's a breech of the lease. In most states, she would have to give you notice before any entry into your room or it's trespassing. At this point, I think it would be a good idea to keep your responses to her simple and short, and document all her behaviors and any possible breaches of the lease or law and you may be able to use it to get out of your lease sooner. It will also protect you and increase your options to take any legal recourse against her if she continues to escalate.

But in your direct responses to her, keep it cool and brief and avoid her as much as possible. It's like the saying, "Never fight with a pig, because the pig likes it and you get dirty."

Rise above and get out ASAP.

 

[Flowers In Bloom]

Okay. What about ignoring and pretending I never received them? Should I tell her that it is illegal for her boyfriend to have keys to the apartment since he is not a tenant? I live in NY and my contract with her is month to month.

*ignoring and pretending I never received some of her texts

 

[Flowers In Bloom]

Rise above it - I get it, but if these types of people don't get the type of response from you that they want (emotional involvement, drama, etc.), they really just up the ante. I've seen it many times.

 

[Justmehere]

They up the ante even if they do get what they want.

If it is a month to month lease, give your 30 days notice and get out. Spend your emotional energy in finding a new and safer place to live. That is going to further your goals for your life more than anything else you can do.

p.s. It isn't illegal for her to give keys to her boyfriend. It is illegal for her to delay access to the mail or enter your room without notice.

 

[Justmehere]

If you goggle "NY renters laws" there is a lot of helpful info that comes up about your rights and her responsibilities and options you have. There is a great tenant's guide published by the NY attorney general that may help in terms of understanding more.

 

[Flowers In Bloom]

Okay. I'm in the process of reading the tenant's guide now. I think I have to give her 30 days notice before the 1st of each month. My fear is that if I give her notice before securing a place, I could be left without a place to live. It's almost happened to me before and when I finally found a place on the very last day before I had to move it, it was a really bad place for me. Would you believe it?? Probably, yes. This girl is now calling me on the phone to follow up on the mailbox key. I don't want to respond. It's crazy shit.

And now she just sent me a text stating that she's sorry for confusing me but that the key she left for me is actually for the entire floor to share and is to be left outside in the corridor and that she should have clarified this with me originally and in person. She's really crazy.

I'm thinking that I'm not at all required to speak to her unless there's a real issue and to just ignore her completely because her behavior will not stop until I leave the apartment. If I bring up any issue, she will most definitely turn it around on me, so just let her do her thing and ignore her. If she breaks the law (enters my bedroom without permission, for instance), in the interim, what then? Cops don't help people.

(by the way, there is no one to share the key with because the only other apartment on the floor is occupied by the upstairs owner who has a key.)

 

[Justmehere]

Uh, yeah, she's trying to be controlling, even at the sake of defying logic and reason. You are right on to not engage her unless absolutely necessary. It would probably be good to tell her you have the key and that's it. Then keep avoiding her as much as possible.

If she breaks the law in a way that puts your safety in danger, call the police - they may not immediately help, but if anything ends up in court, you would be questioned as to why you didn't call the police.

Otherwise, lie low and get out as soon as you can. Start looking for a place now, and maybe you can find one by the end of this month and figure out a way to get out of the 30 day notice with her. She may agree to let you out early - who knows. For now, just try to secure that new place as soon as you can.

In some areas, there are non-profits that help renters with landlord problems. Your local united way may have a list of possible resources to help with a situation like this.

It's really tough to deal with this kind of stuff. Hang in there and you will get to a better place soon. :hug:

 

[Flowers In Bloom]

Thank you for your help. My focus right now is to find a new place. My primary concern is her entering my bedroom when I'm not home and stealing my stuff, so I'm thinking to buy a radio and keep it on in my bedroom when I'm out, so she thinks I'm home. There may be a way for me to wiggle out of the 30 day notice, true. I was also thinking that if I find a place soon and she doesn't allow me to out of the 30 day clause, to take her to court once I'm gone and try to get back my deposit back that way.

 

[Friday]

Why are you playing games?

You don't like her, and don't get on. Move.

ETA... Aha. Just saw the most recent add on. Yep.

 

[joeylittle]

Are you subleasing a room from her? Or is your name on the lease?

I agree with what others have said: trying to play her game back at her will only result in her escalating and you gaining a bad set of coping strategies. Better to just practice non-attachment. Find good places to vent (like here) so when you need to deal with her, you can just rise above it all.

Find a new place as soon as you can - don't tell her you are looking.

Is your deposit allowed to count as your last months' rent? If so, and if you have not signed anything, it's likely you can get away without giving notice at all. There's a difference between her acting like the landlord and being the landlord.