I Think That My Need To Protect Me Is My Defending Myself.

[Deleted member 12723]

I have a book called From Conflict to Caring and I do not have it anymore and so do not know the authors names.

I was thinking about it today and realized that some work I could do on myself is to not get defensive to protect myself. I think that this was a root cause for arguements with my husband when he was alive. Much misunderstandings because we would both be protecting ourselves until we went to marriage counseling and had to relearn how to talk to each other without the need to defend ourselves.

It is all very subtle to me.

I think that it is a survivor skill I learned as a child that is counterproductive now and works against me.

One thing that really has helped me is to notice if the person I am with sees, hears, and understands me. That is my litmus test for developing friendships now...I used to be really overreactive,but have learned not to do this in my life anymore.

Does this make sense? Comments and opinions are welcome. Thanks.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Those with PTSD tend to be highly defensive - myself included.

I suspect the defensiveness might be one of the last walls to come down.

Ben

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Ben I think you are right about this wall coming down last it is for me anyway.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

I suspect that, when we feel safe, and in charge of ourselves and our lives, we will no longer need to feel so defensive.

Ben

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I suspect that, when we feel safe, and in charge of ourselves and our lives, we will no longer need to feel so defensive.

I think you nailed it on the feeling safe and in charge of my life. The need to feel safe is very important to me. I do not obsess over that but it is a deep need in my life.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am just realizing that people hear what they want to hear is a common experience for me. Thus my litmus test. I take about a year to really get to know someone new. I give a lot of chances to them so I guess I am pretty tolerant to a point.

But I also look for patterns, does the same thing happen over and over? I am pretty introspective at times.

I think a really deep need of mine is to feel heard and listened to without someone being defensive to protect themselves from me too. So it all gets pretty complicated at times.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

So it all gets pretty complicated at times.

Relationships are complicated, period - even for those without PTSD. :)

Ben

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Ben thank you so much for your common sense approach to this, I really appreciate this so much.

I have to find my center once again, because I am starting to get lost in this. You are so right about relationships being complicated even for a normal person and I so appreciate this perspective.

I think I understand where the need to protect myself comes from, my childhood with my toxic and abusive parents. They were so sick and messed up people, both being the only child in their families and both acted like a team to hurt us kids. They were so ruthless and i never was able to defend myself with either of them, ever.

So I find the root and can trace things back to this need. Now that I am aware I am in a position to change me.I have to find a healthier way of meeting this deep need inside of me.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Certainly, there is a good reason for your interpersonal defensiveness - no doubt about that. I, and probably most others on this site, as well, have similar problems, and for similar reasons. When a young person grows up constantly having to defend herself, she will grow to be a defensive adult; we are what we practice.

I am sad to know you had to work so hard to protect yourself from your parents. Growing up shouldn't be about having to watch your back, either literally or figuratively. And, if there must be tough people in one's childhood, they certainly should not be one's parents!

Now that I am aware I am in a position to change me.I have to find a healthier way of meeting this deep need inside of me.

I applaud you for reaching this point. So many of us never do. You must be very strong to be willing and able to critique yourself.

I want to warn you not to be too hard on yourself. Healing is a process - it doesn't happen over night - and you are engaged in undoing interpersonal scripts that were set down in your childhood. So, kudos for moving forward, but please be gentle with yourself. :)

If it helps, I don't see a trace of defensiveness in you. Not at all. It might be that your defenses only arise in certain types of relationships, I don't know. But, the fact that I not only fail to see your defensiveness here, but rather see someone who consistently and kindly interacts in only healthy ways with others, tells me that defensiveness is really not a part of your nature. You may act defensive out of what you perceive to be necessity out in the 'real world', but you are not at heart a defensive person.

And, this is important because many people have personality disorders that truly do set them up for altercations day-in and day-out. THEY are the ones with defense problems!

But, happily, you are not like that, Gizmo. You are a pleasure.

Ben

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you Ben so much for the perspective of me that you have shared. I really appreciate this. I will be kinder to me no worries. Maybe I have been overthinking this one perhaps.:hug:

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Yes, I suspect you've been over thinking this but, you know, that's a sign of an intelligent and responsible individual.

Ben

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you so much.:)