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Why is Defending Myself So Triggering?

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Thanks for your help Anthony. I think Dad agrees with you in that, he said today my problem is not what I'm doing so much as how I feel about myself afterwards. He thinks it's because my self-esteem is still so low. He's trying to help me with that. I will try to be less hard on myself. I'm thinking now, if I have made mistakes, especially in the last couple of weeks, I need to quit dwelling on them and concentrate on learning from them. If there's stuff I've done wrong I mean. I'm still not sure, I still have to work all that out. I have been putting myself down way too much lately. Maybe I need to step back from this for a couple of days until I'm thinking a little less negatively about myself. In the past, I've had instances where I thought I was totally wrong and apologized profusely, only to discover later on that I wasn't wrong at all. Then I end up regretting my apology and feeling like a doormat. I hope I can avoid that this time and just apologize if I should. Anyways thanks again, I've really gotten a lot out of this thread.
 
Its easier for someone from an Army background to understand because they take a civilian with any type of self esteem and spit them out with high self esteem at the end of a 12 intense basic training program. The way the military do it is specific to them, though the self esteem is high from the majority of all who come out. Typically if someone has a low self esteem they will not make it through such training and be weeded out during the process.

It is hard to replicate such intense training to increase anothers self esteem without putting them through such training in the first place.

You see the problem with civilian aspects is that unless pushed by force beyond every physical and mental boundary, a person never knows just what they can achieve. The word cannot is no longer recognizable, instead its try and give it 110% before thinking of an alternative.

Just remember Evie that what your doing is progressive work. You can see for yourself your own personal results over the last year of your life. Use those positive results to continue pushing negativity and doubt from your life and shift yourself where you want to be, nothing more, nothing less. It is like a person who is just depressive in nature. It doesn't matter how much you work with them, they are happy being depressive, so they will remain that way. Those around them either accept that or remove themselves from that person and behaviours.

Your doing just fine Evie.... and you did answer your own statements above; being not so much that you must step back from things, but simply stop where you are and look around. If negativity exists period, you must identify it and work towards how to remove it from your life. Then continue forward. No need to go backwards in order to go forward from your point, just pause and look around a while if required. Its a constant game of push and pull basically that we play with ourselves. We push ourselves, we stop, we push, we stop. Each time we stop we look around beyond what maybe we just think and try to find everything that could affect us negatively. Then we push against those negatives for resolution, attempting to find a better way to achieve what we want without the negativity in our life.

Just remember Evie.... keep up the great work as your doing very well. Remember, it takes years to work at this, and even then it is constant work, just not as much. Use what you have achieved to motive you and guide you. That is the key to continuing your own self growth. Learn, educate.... take what works for you and throw the rest away.
 
remember there is a balance as 2quilt said
you always have the upper hand remember that and your'r in control
every thing is give and take keep honest to your're self but don't kill every one around you
it's healthy but never to much isn't
i'm not trying to shoot you down but remeber their poeple too
 
Just remember Evie.... keep up the great work as your doing very well. Remember, it takes years to work at this, and even then it is constant work, just not as much. Use what you have achieved to motive you and guide you. That is the key to continuing your own self growth. Learn, educate.... take what works for you and throw the rest away.

Thanks Anthony, I'm having a hard time believing that I am doing very well right now, I am really doubting myself. But I will try to hang on to what your saying here. I have made a lot of progress in the last year. A tremendous amount. Thanks for the reminder of that.
 
Defending yourself means that a few things...

One...someone could say "Naw.....screw you and what you think...I have the upper hand.."

or...

Two...They might leave you ( in your mind)....

Those are two reasons why I am triggred when I defend myself.....
 
But it's the grey areas where I get really confused. Like for example, if someone makes a statement that hurts my feelings

Evie, I don't know whether it helps but if I am not sure how to react to someone and they have hurt my feelings I simply just say "you have hurt my feelings" and if someone is being mean to me I say "I don't like you being mean to me" or "I don't like you when you are mean to me". If they then say they are not being mean but I feel different I say "while you say you have not been mean, I feel like you have and you have hurt my feelings".
 
Thanks Geneva, yeah... those are things I think too when I defend myself. I worry about what people will think, though I know I shouldn't. I guess it boils down again to self-esteem like my dad says.

Thanks Nicolette for those examples, they sound assertive and I will try to use them in future if I need to.
 
being assertive

I know exactly what you mean and it is really neat to see someone else is having the same experience. For me, I was brought up to be polite and never say anything to hurt anyone. In fact I was really taught to never be myself and to shut up, so as a result I kept it all in and it built up in me to such a point I thought I would explode. Never say anything that may hurt someone s feelings, but I was always being hurt.What it is like for me is this: If I say that someone is hurting me with their words it is just more abuse and I have gotten to the point that I can no longer handle abuse. It just brings up all the crap I went thru constantly being abused. I don t know if that is how it is for you. Just another thing to trigger the memories:naughty:
 
Good point dshanks. It didn't occur to me it might also be partially a gender issue, in the sense that women are traditionally expected to be compliant and not get angry. Men have way more "permission" to be angry and aggressive. I was never abused, my trauma comes from being shot and witnessing a murder/suicide, but... I was raised to be a polite girl. I went to a convent boarding school for 2 years, and the nuns really taught us to be self-effacing, and think of others before ourselves always. Thanks for the input, more food for thought and I really appreciate it.
 
Boy oh boy. Can you imagine what life must be like for a nun who feels she has to keep all that stuff inside all her whole life? Everyone's feelings before her own?
Thank god I am atheist.
 
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