I Thought I Was Better....

[macca]

I made a big mistake. :banghead: I thought I was "cured" because my 3 year old fragmented part seemed to be gone. I think she is still gone, I don't think I can feel her, but I've been triggered tonight. That's the disappointing part - I was silly enough to think it wouldn't happen again, as I've been "normal" for about a week and a half. I thought it was the fragmented part that was responsible for me punching myself in the head, but unless she's come back, it wasn't her. I don't feel in control of my own arms, and I don't want to do it. My T thinks it's a fragmented part that's leading to it happening. I wonder if I have another part. Dammit. My husband's anger got out of control, and he was nasty. I was triggered due to my past emotional abuse from my father. That happened my whole childhood /adolescence. I feel like cr@p.

 

[Echo]

Hugs and big sympathy to you, @macca. If you've dealt with one split, you can deal with another. I don't think you made a mistake. You made big progress and now it is unfortunately the next stage. Male anger, whether you've been subjected to that as a child or not, is pretty difficult to deal with as a woman at any tiime. Of course, we're going to feel threatened; we are physically smaller and less strong. I'm so sorry it has ended in you being triggered. Just keep doing all the grounding things you know so well. Let it become clear in its own time whether it is your 3-year old self or another part. In the long run it is best to get it healed, isn't it? You can do it. Think of your lovely avatar and be really gentle with yourself.

 

[macca]

Thank you Echo, you are so lovely.

My husband was furious, swore at me profusely and punched a hole in the wall. It just brought me back to childhood and my father. My husband called it "cranky", and felt justified in losing it too.

I think now that it's the emotional abuse and fear of my father in childhood that's behind this episode. You are right, I have still made the great progress that came through recently. That was significant, but was a different trauma. So maybe my self-harm was tied to the emotional abuse, and that's really helpful to realise.

 

[Echo]

@macca - that does sound frightening. I hope he's apologised profusely, too. Does he have PTSD or anger issues, himself? That's a massive reaction. I hope you are both able to resolve things between you so that you feel safe.

More hugs, Echo

 

[franciemarnie]

(((macca)))

When anything mimics the original trauma environment, I have a reaction.

It may not be a split. It could be a natural response to the kind of frightening irrational display of violence you experienced over and over growing up. It could be the three year old is integrated but still there and scared and mad. It could be another split too (I have a bunch) and whoever it is does not like what your husband did either.

The important thing is to take care of you - all of you. To comfort and protect. I am concerned that your husband has a problem, but first things first. What can you do to feel stable and centered and safe safe safe today. That will help you and any inner part.

What you did last week was tremendous. This doesn't undo it.

I wish he didn't respond like that.

 

[Bedbug]

Oh @macca, I'm so sorry! But please don't be too disheartened by your reaction. Self-harm is an awful, awful thing but, just because it took a familiar form, that does not mean it had the same cause. It may not be a fragmented part, either your three year old or another one. There are many reasons why people self-harm. Even if it is, you can deal with this.

I hope the situation with your husband has calmed down since you wrote this. Please take care of yourself. I'll be thinking of you.

 

[HelenB]

I also agree with what everyone else had said that this does not mean you have not come a very long way and do not think you have made a mistake. It is totally normal that you would respond like that to the situation, and I really hope you are able to find some safety within it all and am thinking of you so much.

God bless
Helen

 

[macca]

Thanks guys. I kind of dropped out for a bit there, but I really appreciate your support. I panicked a bit about this. I am still ok, now. Before I would have still been messed up. I don't really know what happened. My husband was tired and became nasty and impatient with our son who was taking too long to vacate the bathroom, due to his OCD. I found it triggering, due to my father's treatment of me, and concern for how my son was being treated.

I feel like there is a part of me that punishes me, if that makes sense. I don't know if it is a fragmented part like before, or if it is a part in the usual sense. This came into action anyway, and my husband reacted with contempt, anger and disgust, which was even more triggering. He then punched the wall and abused me. He cracked because he thought I was better, and he was over me having issues. He justified it and said he'd only been "cranky". He then woke me in the middle of the night to berate me for not "caring" enough. Trouble is, when he does this sort of thing, I do find it hard to care, about him, about anything, I go numb. I know he's had a hard run, and I do my best to try not to affect him, but I inevitably do.

I have tried what I started doing with the split off young child part that I had - I used to ask her to show me what happened. She showed me, and it was hard-core and messed me up. So I asked her to try to be more gentle, and she showed me a face, among other things. So, in case of there being another part, I tried to ask my "part" to talk to me in my dreams. Nothing has happened so far. I'm not sure there is a part. If there is, she really hates me, and thinks I'm useless, and it's to do with my father.

I'm so thankful for all of you - I felt so bad that night, you really made me feel like all was not lost. I appreciate that!

I hope you are all doing ok. I know you are all going through tough times at the moment. Hugs to all who could do with some!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think it helps to view PTSD as cyclical, up and down if you will. The downs become less pronounced and less frequent, but it's quite unlikely that one day we'll just "flatline" and be completely asymptomatic from then on out. The good times will become more frequent, but the possibility of a flare is possible when stressed.