I Told My Gp... And I'm Scared Now :(

[Muruluisku]

How do I know something really bad wont happen next cause I've told? The baddie said something REALLY BAD will happen if I ever told :(

The GP said she'll refer me to some assessment with a psychologist... That might mean telling some more and to somebody who won't be my therapist either but just an assessor.. I hate telling face to face and it makes me so scared afterwards.

She said I could go on antidepressants but I said no,I'm not depressed. She said I might feel worse when I start counselling and might need medication :( Is that true? I don't want to feel worse, I want to feel better ;(

<3: Muru

 

[digger]

Really well done for going to your GP :)

That might mean telling some more and to somebody who won't be my therapist either but just an assessor.. I hate telling face to face and it makes me so scared afterwards

Is this an IAPT assessment? Services vary a bit around the country, but yes, you will probably be assessed by someone first who will then decide with you what you should be referred for (where I am there are only two options through IAPT - time restricted counselling or CBT, but as I said, services do vary quite a lot - it is worth looking up on line what is available in your area and making yourself familiar with what you might expect before you go) I actually ended up having to get assessed twice with different people. I flat refused to go through it all again the second time and told him to look at my notes from the first assessment! What I would suggest if you are very uncomfortable with the idea of talking to someone face to face (which is completely understandable) is to write down what you consider to be the main points you want treatment for and a brief history and take it along with you for the assessor to read.

She said I might feel worse when I start counselling and might need medication :( Is that true?

The short answer to that I'm afraid is yes you are likely to feel worse before you feel better, but medication is not necessarily the answer to that. Medication is a very personal choice and it might be something you want to consider if you do feel worse, but cross one bridge at a time. Counselling isn't an instant fix, tell someone your story and it will all magically disappear. It is hard work and you need to be prepared for that. Having said that, do you want to carry on feeling how you feel now?

Again well done for taking that first step. It is a huge thing you have done. Be proud of you for doing it xx

 

[bluebird]

Muru, you are amazingly brave, I am really glad you managed to talk to your GP!
Anything he told you so many ears ago - it wasn´t true... He lied to you to make sure you won´t tell anyone, as he tried to protect himself from being punished for his own bad deeds...Nothing of that was your fault. No one will cause you any harm. It´s gone. You are safe now and you are seeking for help, which is very good. Please, don´t be afraid, his words have no power over you...

I understand it must be difficult to speak, it was horribly difficult for me as well... Just try to keep in mind that the therapy will help you. You are doing this for yourself, you deserve help and this is the way to get it, although it´s not an easy way... I believe you will find courage, maybe you could write your story down and let the assessor just read it? Anyway, you are very strong person. And very good person as well, remember that ;-).

As Splinter wrote, medication is up to you, it´s not neccessary, what is crucial is the therapy. But even if you needed some medication temporarily to bring you some relief, it wouldn´t mean you are weak or getting crazy or something like that. There would be no need to be ashamed.

My dear Muru, about your last concern... yes, I am afraid that is true. Try to imagine this situation:
You were hurt really badly by somebody, very long time ago. Nobody saw you injuries and you had to live with them, with these bleeding wounds inside your soul and body. You were doing your best to survive and the only possible way was to cover these wounds by loads of gaze and bandage... It wasn´t bad, it wasn´t your fault, it was simply the only way a child could cope with these experiences. But these injuries of yours are still bleeding, still festering, still torturing your mind and heart. If they are to be healed (and I do believe they would be), you need to uncover them. Which hurts, of course... You realize all the pain and it will seem overwhelming. But then you can stop the bleeding and clean the pus. Healing is possible, but it´s not easy.

I know this is not an easy way, but you have already started, you don´t want to live the way you used to live, trapped in lies and self-blame - you have already uncovered some of these unspoken nightmares and fears... You are at the beginning right now. The following months won´t be easy. Sometimes you would feel scared to death. Sometimes you will feel desperately alone. But you are not. Try to remember your friends, your most beloved ones, seek their support. You deserve all the love and care, don´t be ashamed to ask for it. The darkness doesn´t last forever as dawn comes after night and spring comes after winter, there is recovering after being ill - there is always hope. Only it´s not solved in a few days or weeks and not even months... You will probably cry and blame yourself and you will shiver with fear, but that´s not the end. There will be ups and downs, at first more downs, but in time the ups will become longer and more persistent.

Nothing of that was ever your fault. You are strong and brave and - which is most important - you are a good person. You deserve help. You deserve love. And you deserve to feel better and I believe with all my heart you will feel better and you will be healed.

<3 bluebird

 

[Lucycat]

Is this an IAPT assessment?

Can you please define IAPT? It is not an abbreviation I have come across before.

@Muruluisku - well done! How difficult was it to talk to the GP? How much detail did you need to go into to get your message across? He clearly understood you as he is referring you to a psychologist. That is great news. Did he give you any indication of time scale? Do they have a waiting list etc?

 

[digger]

Sorry, IAPT stands for Improving Access to Psychological Therapies - this site won't allow me to put links in but if you Google NHS IAPT you will find it.

It is a relatively new scheme, I think only in England at the moment. It is supposed to make it easier for people to access therapy other than just their GP and medication.

As with many services it seems to be a bit of a postcode lottery what is actually available. Personally I had a bad experience with the service in my area, but I have heard good things about it from other people.

 

[Lucycat]

Thanks @splinter . I just Googled and am impressed by the website. You are quite right it does give lots of information about services available in England. I hope @Muruluisku has a chance to have a look and consider the options.

 

[Muruluisku]

Thank you Splinter for explaining about the next step. I had a look at the website and there is lots of information about options..it's a bit overwhelming really.

And Lucy, it was really hard to talk to her.. But it helped that I had written down the key things of what had happened to me, so I could show her when I lost my words..no detail though. I guess my GP saw how difficult it was for me, because she was really good and she said she can cut down the number of people I have to talk to by calling the IAPT assessment centre for me. She asked me questions that she needed to know for the telephone referral, mainly about how I'm coping now. She said to call our surgery in a week and she'll call me back and update what will happen next. She estimated it will probably take 2-4 weeks for the face to face assessment, where it'll be reviewed what type of therapy might be best for me.

Lovely Bluebird... Thank you so much for your kind message *hug* You are really good with your words, they gave me hope and made me feel a bit better, less alone with this.

I'm so grateful for all of your support *safe hugs*

<3: Muru

 

[Lucycat]

@Muruluisku - it sounds as if you have a lovely compassionate GP. It is good that she offered to make calls on your behalf. It really sounds as if she understands.

So, it won't be too long before the assessment. Thats good. Then you will be better placed to know what sort of therapy they are recommending. You may not think so, but I find it kind of exciting. You are going to get healed and improve your life and your outlook. It is a wonderful future. Sure, you will be nervous now - but keep looking forward.

 

[Muruluisku]

Thank you Lucy, thanks for believing in me getting better, it gives me hope :)

Maybe I could get someone come with me to the assessment...so I wouldn't feel so alone doing it. I'll think about who that could be.

I understand what you guys say about it having to hurt a bit before the wounds can heal, but I'm not sure if I can do it..yet. How do I know if I'm ready/strong enough/ won't fall into pieces completely in the healing process?

<3: Muru

 

[Lucycat]

I understand what you guys say about it having to hurt a bit before the wounds can heal, but I'm not sure if I can do it..yet. How do I know if I'm ready/strong enough/ won't fall into pieces completely in the healing process?

You can do it. You are not alone any more. You have a very strong team supporting you - Your GP, the psychologist, the therapist you are yet to meet - and all of us on the forum of course:)

When the going gets tough, imagine all of us linking arms in a circle surrounding you. We are the protectors, and won't let anyone in unless they tell you the password.

Are you ready for this? You will never feel ready. You just have to take on the challenge. You know you need to do it, your mind will now keep trying to find excuses for not moving forward. That is yet another trick of the brain, trying to keep you in your comfort zone. But I bet even the comfort zone is no longer comfortable now that you have taken a small step outside.

Your therapist will not allow you to fall apart. I am not saying it will be easy, and you have to be completely honest with the therapist so that they know how you are feeling, when things are a bit more difficult for you and when things are fine. If you can be honest with the therapist then they can take things at your pace. Not going so slow that you get bored and disheartened with lack of progress, but not going so fast that you feel overwhelmed.The pace will change depending on what else is going on in your life.

At first I thought therapy was only about the past. I quickly realised that the present is also important. An extreme example is a couple of years ago our house got flooded by a burst pipe when we were away. That became my priority, not surprisingly - as we had to move out for 3 months. However I had more therapy during that time - not less. We didn't deal with the memories for a while, but we discussed how I was feeling and coping with the current crisis. We talked about how to deal with the loss of posessions. We talked about the positive aspect of having the house decorated, and having the opportunity to choose new colours etc. At no time did I feel like I was wasting my precious therapy sessions, I needed them to get through the day-to-day stuff. Once stabilised again we returned to memories.

It sounds to me as if you are scared, but enthusiastic to meet this new challenge. As such I think you will do very well. Positive mental attitude and all that!

 

[cherryblossom]

Lucy is right, I don't know if any of us know for certain that we are 'ready' for therapy.

However, a good indication for me was that I knew I couldn't just try to keep going the way things were. I was utterly broken. I realised that the only person who could even attempt to 'fix' me was me.

But part of your therapists job is to assess your stability and assist you with this, before you go anywhere near processing your trauma. So that means looking at your life now, minimising any stress and difficult situations and giving you skills to cope (relaxation, grounding, self care, etc), once the difficult parts of therapy get going.

There are some things which you can do for yourself before starting therapy. That is to make your life as stress free as possible. The more stable your life is, the more attention you can pay to therapy, and the better and quicker the results. For example if you were going through a relationship break up, or had serious financial worries, had recently suffered a bereavement, or had serious health concerns then that wouldn't be the right time to start trauma therapy.

One thing you can do is to build up some support around you. So you have someone to call when you feel overwhelmed, or someone who can go and get some groceries when you don't feel like leaving the house.

Your therapist wont just throw you in at the deep end, with intense trauma processing without giving you skills to cope first, and getting to know you. This also gives you the opportunity to build up trust between you.

Certainly, for the assessment they will need to brief details, so they can decide whether they can help you. Try not to worry. You have sought help, because you need it. You want to deal with this. You can do it!

 

[Muruluisku]

Lucy, thank you for sharing your experience and for the positive attitude that I would do well....if I dared to "jump"... And I'll try and hold on to the image of all you lovely people surrounding me in a protective circle, that's a nice thought :) And that if I want to call and cancel the assessment, it's just my mind playing a trick trying to keep me in the old familiar bad place, and not to listen to it...

And Cherryblossom, thank you for your kind message...I do realise I shouldn't keep going the way I am, so I guess I'm ready when thinking about it like that. Only, I've been going through cycles of good times and bad times for a while... And I'd like to think this is only a bad patch and maybe it'll get better after a while anyway...even without me going to therapy...

So, my GP called me back this afternoon, and said my referral has been sorted. I should get a letter this week with date and time for the face to face assessment with a psychologist... Likely sometime in February. I'm not sure how I'm feeling now.. Numb I guess. But after the assessment there will probably be another wait for the actual therapy to start anyway...probably even a bit longer wait, right?

<3: Muru