I Want "me" Back Again.

[Jen93]

I just don't know what to do. I've been through these thoughts several times- they're all merely just thoughts; but since I've uncovered more of my trauma, it's gotten worse. I've tried to suppress it from everyone, just like I tried to suppress my new flashbacks.

It doesn't help that feeling this way is a trigger. I've always felt that it was a sin to commit suicide and all, because I couldn't force that pain onto my parents and my brother and so on... but what if it's easier for them? To just have me out of their life? I'm tired of feeling like I'm a bad person, and as if I don't deserve anything good to happen to me. I've been bullied for my hearing impairment which I've had since birth (new flashback) and now I feel as if I'm going to infect everyone and cause them to lose their hearing. I couldn't live with myself if that happened to anyone, and lately my grandmother's hearing has been a little suspicious... I can't help but blame myself. I feel so awful. It'd be safer for everyone... I've been prescribed Ciprolax or whatever it's called in the past two weeks, and I know it takes a month to take effect, but is this feeling a side effect, because I'm not shaking off the thought like I'm usually able to.

I'm tired of being a burden, and feeling like I'm scaring my friends. I feel like I'm dangerous to them all, and it hurts so much. I don't know what to do. It's just a never ending cycle with the anxiety causing flashbacks, which causes these feelings, which cause the flashbacks which cause these feelings....

I want "me" back again. The happy, fun, hyper, excitable me I was before. Is that too much to ask for? I guess so, because I haven't seen her for a while. She usually comes out with my friends... but not in the past month. :(

 

[sea]

Do you have contact with who prescribed the med to you? Maybe you should tell them how you are feeling. Suicidal preoccupation and ideation can be a side effect of meds too and if this got worse just as you started taking them it could be exacerbated by the meds as well. Not to say that your feelings arent legitimate but that the meds might be making it harder to cope with instead of easier. Sorry you feel so bad :(

 

[Jen93]

Do you have contact with who prescribed the med to you? Maybe you should tell them how you are feeling.

Yeah. I'm seeing my psychiatrist on Tuesday for more, and I'm seeing my T tomorrow. They're very "tag team", like they'll arrange appointments for the other with me, and they'll discuss me, and they'll both come to psych appointments if she wants to be there. I'm scared to tell my T though; she suggested meds about four months ago, and told me I was "depressed". If I tell her tomorrow how I'm feeling, she'll just say "I told you so." and I have enough anxiety about seeing her tomorrow already. :O_o:

 

[Philippa]

I often wondered what happened to me, when I was experiencing deep depression. I still don't know, and I never got an answer...I was just really sad and it changed my whole personality.

I don't feel like I have gotten that person back, but I do understand that it is about learning to accept the new person that I am now, because we are never really the same since we change every moment.

Change is a part of life so it's no use pining for the way I used to be. Not easy, but I think acceptance of Self is most important...wherever we are in life. Again, easier said than done though.

 

[Heather]

easier said than done

I agree with Philippa and I'm gonna take it one step further..... frustrating as hell. 'Cause for me it's feeling like I'm a "blank" person. Someone with no identity and that is really hard.

I definitely can relate.

 

[Jen93]

What an awful session with my Therapist. She didn't read what I'd written her, she told me not to email anymore and to PHONE if I wanted appointments. (I have a hearing impairment, I can't HEAR the phone.) She suggested that I was just "tensing up" when my shoulder started to hurt, and she mostly just took notes. She also said that I didn't like people sneaking up on me or "getting close to me" as she put it, because she thinks I have social problems. If she read what I'd written, she'd understand. Most of that stuff is BECAUSE I have a hearing impairment. You should NEVER sneak up behind a hearing impaired person, that can be traumatic in itself. When I muttered that I felt like I wanted to kill myself she snapped "I heard that." I spent the day crying yesterday afterwards and felt a million times worse. She also said that she wouldn't give me my medical records, and she's just made me so frustrated.

She also said that I would continue to feel this way, even with the medication. I can't believe the frankness. It's as if she's never heard of humouring someone EVER.

If she's at my appointment on Tuesday with my psychiatrist I'll run out of the room and cry. I'm moving to another counselling service that deals specifically from the hearing impairment perspective, if they have someone who knows about trauma too, I'll be set.

 

[Jen93]

I'm trying to keep myself safe by staying with my parents at all times; sleeping in their bed, my dad waited with me at the train station this morning-I have a feeling mom told him-but he didn't say anything to indicate it. I just don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. I can't tell the school-they'd probably send me home-I can't stay home, it's somewhat dangerous. I think I'll take the bus instead of the train tomorrow going to school, I'd feel safer. If someone else can give me other tips to keep me safe for the next 48 hours it'd be appreciated.

 

[Smallhold]

(((Jen93)))

Do you have any good, safe, nice memories? If so, please bring that to mind and hold onto it and remember the feeling of good. Even something as little as eating an icecream as a kid or a day out at the zoo.
Hope it gets you through the next 48 hours.

Hugs.

 

[Jen93]

Took the bus. That was good. Triggered today- My English Lit class is studying plays, and they keep having these abusive scenes, and the teacher read it. Oh it was hell. Thank god my friend was next to me and realized about ten minutes later I was crying and my head was bowed down. (She was taking notes, so she didn't realize it sooner.) I feel like I'm going to strangle the psych and the T tomorrow, and it's a scary thought, as I've NEVER been physically aggressive in my life.

 

[Jen93]

All those feelings of hope are gone again. How could I have been so stupid? I saw my psych and my T weaseled her way in, (they talked before they came to get me, like I couldn't see through the glass in the receptionist area.:cautious: ) and I dissociated as usual. She was fake- smiled and seemed happy, it was only because the psych was there though- I was so mad, and I was shaking shifting over to the edge of the couch as far away from her as I could get, I couldn't look her in the eye, even when she had that stupid happy facade on, and I kept my conversation with her minimal. It was awful. It was like being manipulated by my teacher all over again- she was only "nice" when we were in the head's office when the head asked if I wanted an investigation done and I said no. I'm sure that they're deliberately trying to retraumatize me, since I told them this in a written note, I don't think it's paranoia. It's not. They're just trying to see how bad it can get. It's AWFUL.

At first, I wasn't going to touch this topic at all- considering my trauma. But I just need to know that there's hope. My mother's asked me outright and said that she hoped I didn't because then I'd have to go to the hospital. (She said it in a "You'll be sorry if you're just looking for attention." type of way she always does.) So I told her I wasn't serious.

Anyway, I was wondering, yeah I have loss of interest, (Sick of soccer, dance, hanging out with my family and watching TV with them), but what about loss of appetite and sleep? I've gone from 95 lbs to 89 lbs in a week, I'm not feeling as if there's any point in eating, and my sleep is off too. I'll try to go to bed at 7 PM, and I'll stay wide awake, and give up and just listen to the flashbacks in my head and experience the body memories; and it's just another day. There's just no... resisting it anymore, and not accepting it either, I'm just irritated with it. I end up falling asleep in my closet at 3 in the morning, and just wanting to sort of hide from the world. I'm not happy, I'm lethargic, my mind feels either always numb or I'm really really sad, and it's just... what am I experiencing? Is it depression? Am I seeking attention? I don't know.

Nobody seems to understand, or seems to want to understand. I feel invalidated all the time, and it's so frustrating because when I do try to talk, it just goes right over everyone's heads and they continue to talk about their own opinions of me based on the medical files and everything. I'm treated like a doll-something to be studied, and taken care of; but not really cared for, if you know what I mean.

Like, when I was younger, I used to have dolls, I'd have their strollers, and their little bottles and clothes, I'd dress them up, feed them, take them for walks, but at the end of the day, I just left them in a corner and went to do other things. My feelings aren't taken into account; just their own views.

 

[Red Feather]

What's wrong with seeking attention? Everybody needs love and attention. Everybody wants to be treated like a human being with respect. You know what is best for you. Listen to yourself instead of the people who aren't treating you well. Build a schield around you and dont let anyone in unless it is someone you trust. This is all about boundaries. It is like hygiene for the brain. Take care of yourself.

Sending lots of love and wishing you healing. Please do something that is only for yourself everyday. Give yourself a special treat. You are number one priority. And you can remind yourself of that by keeping yourself surrounded by things and people and thoughts that you love and help you feel good.

(((((Jen)))))

 

[Jen93]

I can't... I just... I'm never going to be me again. I'm pathetic. I can't be happy without getting sad right after and feeling guilty. I need... I need... I don't know what I need. I'd rather be dead than not be allowed to be me. I'm trapped. I can't laugh anymore, not without pain after and guilt for being happy. There's so many other people in need; people who are starving, people who are going through wars, or cancer, or poverty, and all I can think of is myself and being numb?

I find myself actually THANKING my abusers... it's almost as if they straightened me out to see that the world ISN'T a great place, and that before the age of 11 I was naive and stupid. I just... no wonder they picked on me- I deserved it. I need to feel more pain. I don't think I feel enough pain for all that I've done wrong. I feel like I need to cut myself, it's awful. I need to feel human, and I don't. I've never done one good thing for anybody, and I'm just so selfish. I don't want to feel so awful... I don't really know though if I want to live if there's nothing good. There must be a REASON this happens... there must be SOMETHING good. I look at my therapist, and my parents, and they're right. There's not reason I should feel this bad. It's just attention seeking and narcissistic. The only person I care about is myself.

I feel so nauseous right now coming to this realization. I feel so hopeless. I can't give up, I don't want to give up. There has to be something good I can find in my life, but I just can't right now. I'm so sad. I've just wanted to cry for the past week, NOT good for my exams- but I figure it's deserved. This pain happened because I deserve it, and I have no one to blame but myself.